The Storm Rages On

I said I was not going to post any updates until tomorrow, but due to getting messages asking for any news and posts on my wall asking for an update, here it is. We are NOT pregnant. I took a home pregnancy test this morning before I left my house to get the blood work done. The words "Not Pregnant" crushed me. I tried to remember that I was told not to take a home pregnancy test because it likely would be negative because there wouldn't be enough HCG in my urine to show a positive result. All day I have been depressed. All day I have been crying off an on. I waited as patiently as I could for the phone call from the nurse at Ohio Reproductive Medicine. The phone finally rang at 4:37pm. I was in the middle of transferring a patient from the medical unit to the psychiatric unit and had just gotten done talking to the psychiatrist about another patient whose medical unit doctor wanted transferred to the geriatric psychiatric unit. I knew the words were coming out of the nurses mouth as soon as she called and asked in a saddened voice "how are you Lindsay?" "Nervous," I replied. "It's not good," She said.

My HCG came back at less than 5...meaning None. My Progesterone was 7.2 so the Progesterone shots I have been taking for 2 weeks did absolutely nothing accept bruise my ass. I was told to repeat the blood work on Monday but not to get my hopes up because it likely will not show anything different. There should at least be some HCG in my blood today if I were pregnant but there was none at all. I got off the phone with the nurse, went immediately to the bathroom, locked myself in, called my husband, and cried..and cried..and cried.

I ask myself constantly why life is beating us down like it has. What did we do so wrong? Don't we deserve to be parents? We don't smoke, we don't do drugs, I've never had an abortion, I've never prostituted myself, I don't drink alcohol when I'm pregnant, I quit drinking caffeine, we both have college degrees and great jobs, we have a roof over our heads, we are caring towards other people....why can't we have the one thing we need to make our lives complete?? When will this raging storm ever be over? When we will get our Rainbow?

I would do anything to trade places with the 24 year old heroin addict that I saw on Wednesday whose on Methadone treatment and is 6 months pregnant with twin girls...except there would be no way in hell I'd ever do heroin or methadone, pregnant or not! Why does she deserve 1 child let alone 2?? I just don't understand how this works.

As I left my house this morning, after getting the negative pregnancy test, to go get my blood work done, this song was the first song I heard. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5oHqR_LKMU

Everyone says "God is good" when they get something they want, when a sick family member is cured, when their life seems to be falling into place perfectly. Everyone says "God has a plan" and "He only gives you what you can handle" and "He will replace what you have lost" and "He PROMISES to never leave you." What do you say when it feels like God has forgotten about you, when he does not provide the desires of your heart, when he has not been good to you, and when you have had more than you can handle? I try to have faith in God-I really do...but my faith has worn so thin after everything we have been through. My heart feels like it could explode in a million pieces sometimes, and right now is one of those times. I try to "Hold on to the Promises" that God supposedly made to each and every one of us...but do you honestly blame me for distrusting in God at the moment?

I have said time and time again...we will adopt if this didn't work for us. I said it last week after the transfer. Since then my mind has been in a million places...running multiple scenarios through my head. I am NOT OKAY with not having our biological child...I'm just not. And I hate that...I hate that I cannot surrender my own desires and accept the path that it feels like we are being lead to. I honestly don't know what is next for us. It might very well be adoption. Do I really want it to be adoption, no. Logically and Financially it makes the most sense. My heart can't handle any more pain and I don't want to torture my body any more than we have. Yet my heart aches and burns to have a child that I can love from the moment it is created until the day I day...a child that I can love on this Earth. After losing Audrey, I started praying that there would be a child created just for us...I was really leaning towards adoption. And then we got the Baby Quest Foundation grant, and it just felt like our prayers were answered and there was going to be a child created just for us, by us. Now that we went through an IVF cycle and have no frozen embryos....I just don't know what we will do next.

I do want to say that I know we did not fail from a lack of support or a lack of prayers. Every one of you have been amazing and we appreciate all the support we have had. Even Alex, who is pretty private about his grief and our struggles, has said to me how much comfort he has gotten from his friends sending him a simply text message saying they are praying and thinking about us. We might not be "okay" today...but we will be okay in the end. We are always okay, because we have each other and our family and friends.

Our Baby Quest is not over. We just don't know what direction we will go next.