Not Giving Up

Having a complete failed IVF cycle has been difficult on us emotionally. The moment I heard that the blood work was negative and we were not pregnant, I lost the last ounce of hope that I had left. I felt like we wasted $15,000 and I was grieving the loss of what could have been with the one embryo we did transfer. The whole process since the egg retrieval was a grieving process. Each and every day we grieved the eggs we lost, then the embryos we lost, and finally the embryos we could not transfer due to their chromosome issues. Once the initial heartbreak of having a failed cycle wore off, I knew that this pain could not compare to the pain of having another miscarriage which was completely a possibility if the baby had implanted.

Every experience that we have been through on this journey to becoming parents has strengthen me. It has made me feel weak for a temporary amount of time, over and over each time we lose another baby, but it has shown me just how strong I really am. It has shown me that I am one determined as hell women. It has shown me that I will not stop trying until I achieve my dream. It has shown me that I will always put myself back together after I've been broken.

While one door just closed on us, there has been many more that have been opened. It has been amazing to see and feel the compassion of those who know us and our desire to become parents. We have had friends offer to donate their eggs to us, even for free. We have had a friend and my cousin's ex-girlfriend offer to be a surrogate for us. These offers are tremendously generous and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for showing us such love and support! My ultimate desire is of course to have our own biological child that is part me and part my husband; a child that I carried for 9 months and gave birth to myself. We know that this dream is seeming impossible to us after all we have been through so far. We know that if it's not going to be possible for us to have a child that is part me and part my husband, or if it's not going to be possible for me to carry a baby to term-we want our child to be as much of me as it possibly could be.

On Friday night my younger sister and I had a conversation we've never had before. She told me she has been thinking about ways she could help us become parents, by either donating her eggs or being a surrogate for us. I really cannot explain what this conversation meant to me. It immediately made me go from feeling defeated to feeling like there was hope again. My sister will be 23 years old in June. She has a 4 year old daughter that I watched her deliver, that I got to cut the umbilical cord for, and that I got to help her with during the first week after my niece was born. My niece and I have a strong bond, and even on days when she doesn't feel like giving me kisses or wipes my kisses off her face I know she still loves me. My niece has been learning more about her cousin Riley who is in Heaven and was in Heaven 2 years before my niece was born. I look at my niece Raegan and she has always acted so much like me that she could be my own daughter. If I cannot have a child with my own eggs, there honestly is no one else I would rather create a child with, and if I cannot carry a child in my own body there is no one else I would rather carry my child for me than my own sister...the one person who I trust and love the most in my life and the one person who resembles me the most as well! It brings me to tears to think about how much love a child would have from all of us from the very moment it is created, and to know that my sister could have just as strong of a bond, if not stronger, with my child as I have with hers!

Being an egg donor or a surrogate is not an easy decision for anyone to make, nor is it an easy decision for us to make either. It requires me to surrender the dream of our child being part me/part Alex and the dream of being the one who gives birth to our child. The decision is a lot easier to make when it involves family, especially when I have natural maternal instincts to want to protect my baby as much as I possibly can! IF we all decide that surrogacy is the route we are going to go, it will be easier on me to know that I can see my sister(and baby) as often as I can and want to and I would be able to be at every doctor appointment with her to make sure our baby is doing well, hear the heart beating, and see how much it has grown each visit.

There is a lot to think about and consider as we move forward in our baby quest. Especially on my sister's end of things. We will not push her into doing any of this for us, and we certainly don't want to create tension between us. We've decided to find a new fertility clinic going forward-one that uses sedation for the egg retrieval, because I would not put myself through another egg retrieval without sedation let alone putting my sister through it without sedation! Today I scheduled a consultation appointment with Institute for Reproductive Health in Cincinnati on Tuesday May 13th and another consultation appointment with Bethesda Fertility Clinic in Cincinnati on Wednesday May 28th. We want to compare clinics, doctors, nursing staff, and their professional opinions on what further testing we may need done and which option would make the most financial sense with the least amount of risk involved.

On another note-I had a meeting today with my supervisor to go over my annual review. It was the best review I have ever received! I will be getting an annual raise. My supervisor pointed out to me today that I "look really good." She knew I was going through an IVF cycle and had our transfer and I know she was thinking I must be pregnant when she said it to me...but when I told her our IVF cycle failed and how traumatic it was for us, she also reminded me that I am a very strong person and have always been able to remain professional at work despite what I've gone through since I've worked here. It was a reminder to me that it's because I work with such wonderful people between the other crisis workers who I vent to on a daily basis and even the ones I've been able to cry around as well as the nurses who give me hugs when they can see I need them and the doctors that I can talk to openly about what we are going through. If any of you are reading this...just know how much you are truly appreciated in my life! I am so very lucky to work for a place like Grandview with people who care about me. It is a completely different experience from my previous job. I never feel like I have to cry alone or shut myself in my office to hide my emotions. When I told my supervisor what options we are looking at moving forward she began crying out of complete joy for us, because she too had two miscarriages and only one child, but did not have any sisters who she could lean on to for this kind of support that my sister is willing to provide for us.

So to end this post, I need to say this to my sister Ashley: You have created new hope for us. You are a true testament of what a sister should be. I know you will never let me feel like I am alone in this world. Even when it feels like no one can possibly understand what it is that I am going through, you try to understand. You and I have always been each others best friend from the time you were born despite being 4 years apart in age and despite the moments I chased you to your room and kicked your door in because you were a tattle tail! We've held each other while we cried until our tears were all dried up, we've laughed together until we've snorted like pigs....but there is nothing that could bring us closer together than this experience we are about to embark on in an effort to create a child to fulfill our hearts desire.