Have you ever wondered why the rain is constantly pouring down on you? Are you like me that when you hear people say this top statement you reply by rolling your eyes and thinking the bottom statement?
Have you questioned God's plan for your life and wondered why he continuously causes you to feel pain, anger, depression, anxiety, fear, jealousy, and resentment. Are you like me and question "what the hell did I do to deserve all this?" Or maybe you've questioned if there really is a God like I have. And maybe, like me, you've looked around at everyone else's life and wondered how the hell did they get so lucky when you're life is one continuous heartache after another. Or maybe, like me, you've built friendships through the common struggles you've both faced and wondered why your friend was more deserving of a happy ending than you were. And the more you think about these questions the more angry you become with God because he let you down...not just this one time, but every.single.time.
You know what friends....God doesn't put us through bad shit to test our strength or our faith. But Satan does. Satan doesn't care about our happiness like God does. Satan doesn't care about our relationships with others but God does. Satan doesn't care about our financial security but God wants us to be financially secure. Satan only cares about our relationship with God. He attacks us to make us feel like God doesn't love us or God doesn't even exist. He wants us to be angry at God. He wants us to curse at God-like he has led me to do so many times. Satan knows our weaknesses, but he also knows where we draw our strength from and he wants to destroy that-he wants our relationship with God to be non-existent.
I'm going to be honest. When people have told me that they know our son is going to be healed of his skin disease I rolled my eyes. Not because I don't want him to be healed. Because I'd do anything to take this awful disease from my son. But because there is no cure for it. And because it's not just a skin disease....it's a genetic disease. And I thought-God helped to create our son....he knew that our son was going to be born with this specific genetic make-up, why would he do that to him....to us? I honestly didn't have any faith that God could cure a genetic disease-this is DNA....it's not like an illness that spontaneously happened like cancer. And if God was going to heal or cure our son-why hasn't he already done it?!
But over the last couple of weeks I have come to understand why we have been going through the battles that we have. What better way for Satan to attack someone than to attack their child?!?! Attack me...that's fine....I can get through that much easier and much faster. But attack my child.....my heart is completely broken and I become angry with God and question his goodness. Satan knows that...because he's done it not once, not even twice, but FIVE times now. And every time our baby died before even getting the chance to live....I screamed and yelled and raised my fists to God while Satan smiled because he won. But he only won for a short time before I started rebuilding my trust into God and believing in God's power to bless us and to provide the desires of our hearts.
Our faith was shaken after Eli's birth. Sometimes we prayed for God to heal our son. Sometimes we thanked him for allowing Eli to even be born. Sometimes we felt God giving us the strength we needed to care for our fragile baby. But a lot of times we were angry with God. I had moments of screaming at God and telling him that I hated him. I had moments where I resented God for giving us a child that tested every aspect of our marriage and that could cause more heartache than we've ever felt by dying at a young age. We were going through a spiritual war and I didn't even realize it. While God was trying to calm our fears Satan continuously attacked our son and instilled fear in us while sitting back laughing because he was winning.
I came to realize all of this while attending a woman's conference at my church a couple weekends ago. The conference was titled "Become a Brave Warrior" and focused on being a warrior of faith and fighting off Satan when he attacks. The testimonies that I heard during this conference spoke so much to me that I found myself doing things I would never do. During the worship portion of the conference spirit lead me to the alter where I collapsed to my knees and cried hysterically as I begged God to heal our son. A dear friend from college that invited me to this church over a year ago when we were gearing up for our egg donor cycle came over to me and held my hand as I cried. She saw the sword that was leaning against the wooden cross in front of us and brought it to me. She encouraged me to use the sword to fight the spirit of Satan that has been attacking not only my son since he was born but me and my husband for the last several years. She put the sword in my hands and I turned into a warrior of God-I swung that sword around in front of me and over my head-I swung it everywhere that I felt a negative presence. I swung it over, and over, and over. And when I finally felt as though I had killed Satan's spirit over me-I used that sword to give Satan one final stab in the heart. I've never felt so powerful in my life. I've never felt so relieved and freed from the darkness in my life.
Since this conference two weeks ago I have felt more hopeful. I have felt less depressed and anxious about what the future could look like for our son. I have had more faith in God to heal our son. I have felt strong enough and brave enough to command Satan away when I start to feel his presence-and I've never in my life have felt powerful enough to do this.
I am convinced that our son has a special gift and can see spirits that as adults we do not have the ability to see. He is constantly looking past us and smiling as if there is an angel watching over him. He has been getting through his dressing changes with no pain meds at all-not even Tylenol. He often will cry and then all of the sudden he stops and starts smiling-that there my friends is Jesus laying his hands on Eli and telling him "be calm my child" and taking away his feelings of pain. We have started using Holy Water that my husband's grandparents brought back from Lords, France, where miracles have taken place, on Eli's skin and praying over him for healing. His skin has started healing better than we have ever seen and we have been able to wrap less of his body. There are days like Monday where Satan still attacks him and causes a new area of skin to become wounded. But we continue to put our faith into God for healing. Monday night I came home from work and used some Holy Water on some areas of Eli's skin and prayed over him for continuous healing. As I was praying Eli had the biggest smile on his face and then out of no where started screaming. I knew Satan was back and he was trying to attack us. I started commanding Satan to leave our home and told him he is NOT welcomed in our lives. Within seconds Eli stopped crying. He has been such a happy baby these last two weeks because we are happier parents. I know I've been a happier parent because I feel more capable of protecting my son from the enemy and more determined to win this spiritual war for my family. I've become more confident that God WILL heal Eli and won't allow the enemy to win by taking our son from us.
If you are going through a storm right now, take a step back and ask yourself-is this really God's plan for me or is this Satan's plan for me? They both have plans for our lives and you need to know whose plan you're working with. Do not let the Enemy win. And remember God is good all the time, and all the time God is good. He will give you the strength you need to get through if you learn to lean on him.