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Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Taking a Chance for Life

Alex and I started making our way to Columbus this morning around 9:15am. We had a couple things to take care of before our transfer while we were in Columbus so we needed to get there early. At about 9:30am we received a call from the lab. They wanted to give us our genetic testing results before we came all the way to Columbus. It wasn't good news. As they discussed the chromosome issues with each embryo, my heart just sank. The results had nothing to do with my translocation, and each chromosome issue was considered "one of those fluke things." I just sat there trying to wrap my head around the information, all the while wondering why the hell nothing in our lives can ever be easy, consistent, or make any sense at all.

Here are the results we were given:

Embryo 1: 46 chromosomes, XX, with a deletion of the short arm on 1 chromosome 2 and a duplication on the long arm of the other chromosome 2. 8 cells, grade 3. On Wednesday this little lady was a 4 cell, grade 1.

Embryo 2: 47 chromosomes, XX, with an extra chromosome 8 causing Trisomy 8. 8 cells, grade 1. On Wednesday, this little lady was a 6 cell, grade 3.

Embryo 3: 47 chromosomes, XY, with an extra chromosome 21 causing Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome). Morula, grade 3. On Wednesday, this little guy was an 8 cell, grade 4.

Embryo 4: Inconclusive genetic results. Unknown chromosome make-up and gender. Morsula, grade 2. On Wednesday, this little turkey was a 10 cell, grade 2.

Based on these results, we knew embryos 1, 2, & 3 had genetic abnormalities and the doctor would not transfer any of them. We were told the only one the doctor would consider transferring was embryo 4, but that we needed to consider the risks of not having any genetic information and know that there could still be a genetic abnormality with embryo 4 that could result in miscarriage or birth defects. The lab explained that a Morsula is basically a day 4 embryo-they can no longer count how many cells there are. They explained that since day 3, embryo 4 has been the one who has shown the best growth and has remained consistently a grade 2 quality which is good.

I got off the phone and shared the results with Alex. We could have turned our car around, went home, and given up the little sliver of hope that we had left yesterday. But we kept driving. We decided to take a chance to create a life. A life that could very possibly end in a few weeks, or a few months. A life that could possibly be born with mental and physical disabilities. And a life that could possibly be completely healthy. We don't know the future of this life-but we knew we had to take that risk. We knew we did not come this far to give up completely. We knew that we could not risk giving up and throwing away our potential Rainbow Baby.

Our decision was made in a split second. But to be completely honest, it was not easy. A small part of me felt so broken and terrified of potentially carrying another baby who might die on me that I want to throw in the towel and surrender my desire to have a biological child. A small part of me didn't want to trust God again, because we've done that 4 other times and he failed us. The only thing he has ever given us has been heartache after heartache. A big part of me was angry, that we spent $15,000 and did not get any different result....that we would still be going into another pregnancy blind, not knowing what could happen and risking another devastation. A huge part of me was angry that we spent this money expecting to have multiple good embryos we could transfer and freeze but we only have one potential good one....that we don't even know for sure is good. We could have gotten these same results by getting pregnant on our own, without spending an astronomical amount.

As I sent our family members a text message to update them on our results and our decision, I finally released all my emotions and broke down crying. I cried because I was scared. I cried because of what I said to our family. "But as our life has always been a matter of chance, we are going to take this chance on baby 4, let go, and let God." I felt completely out of control, not knowing the future of this baby we were going to transfer, and especially not knowing our future and rather or not we would get to have this one biological child. It all was coming down to trusting God, and I didn't feel any sense of comfort in that.

We transferred baby 4 around 1:00pm. The transfer was not painful, quick, and simple. We were not allowed to get a picture of our baby before it was transferred because the lab did not want it exposed to light. I had to lay on the bed for 30 minutes after the transfer, and now I am on bed rest for 2 days. We decided to drive back home instead of staying with Alex's cousin in Columbus. We didn't get home until close to 5pm and I've been catching up on episodes of The Bachelor and American Idol while laying on the couch being lazy.

Alex and I are both overwhelmed by the amount of support and prayers we have been receiving! We just cannot thank you enough. Despite how difficult this journey has been for us so far-we do not feel alone, for the first time ever. We know that our journey could get harder since we do not know the genetic results of the baby we transferred. We ask that you continue to follow our pregnancy journey and continue to pray for Baby Monnier.

If the baby implants, I should feel some cramping....which I have been feeling tonight. I have no clue how soon the implantation is supposed to happen though! We really will not know anything else until March 21st when I get my first HCG blood test. I was told not to take a home pregnancy I will see if I can hold out on that one-I don't know if I will be able to!

Ultimately, we do pray this is our Rainbow Baby. And despite feeling uneasy about trusting God with my baby's life...quite possibly not knowing the results was his way of saying "I got this for you, just trust me." I sure hope so anyway. No matter what happens....if this works or if this doesn't work-there will be no more attempts at IVF or even natural conception. We will be adopting to make our family complete. Financially we cannot afford to keep taking these risks. Physically my body cannot handle all the stress we are putting it through. And Emotionally we are tired of feeling the heartache that we have along this journey.

1 comment:

Teresa Friday said...

God has a plan. We will never understand but we have to trust. I am praying for number four.