Holding On to Faith

Despite having a massive panic attack on my hour drive home from work last night, screaming at God and hyperventilating from crying hysterically, I woke up this morning and I did what I said I was going to do yesterday. I put one foot in front of the other and got ready for another day of work. I might have had several break downs on my way here, and every song on the radio I heard was somehow able to be applied to what we have been through and are going through, but I am still standing.

I am blessed beyond belief at how many people across the country and even across the world are reading my blog. I am blessed that I have hundreds of people that I don't even know who are praying for us. I am blessed to be inspiration to just one person, but I know I have been an inspiration to many more.

Our hearts will not be complete until we have our little one in our arms. I may not be pregnant with a baby right now, but there are 4 babies that I have been praying for the past four days and every day my heart yearns for them more...every day I am falling more in love with them, knowing they are mine no matter what happens. It is the hardest thing as a mother to trust your children's lives in someone elses hands, which is essentially what we are doing now.

All I can do at this point is hold on to faith. I knew when we started this new journey with IVF it was a long shot. I knew there was a chance it wouldn't work. I just didn't know how badly I would hurt when there was only a sliver of hope left that this might work. I have no idea what God's plans are for our life, and that uncertainly scares the hell out of me. But I have to hold on to my faith that whatever the plan is, it is a beautiful one.

Tomorrow we will arrive to our fertility clinic at 12:30pm. We will review the genetic reports along with the lab reports. If, by the grace of God, there is at least one that we can transfer, the transfer will be at 12:45pm. Following the transfer I will be on bed rest for 2 days. Alex's cousins in Columbus have graciously opened their homes to us for the night and we couldn't be more thankful to them for that.

Please continue to pray. This isn't over yet. Tomorrow will be a difficult day.