The Final Four

As I stare at the computer screen I am struggling how to put in words how I feel today. I'm at a breaking point to be honest. This is far harder than I ever imagined. It is so easy for everyone who is not in my shoes to tell me to "stay positive" and "don't give up." But have you lost 4 babies? Have you paid $15,000 at a chance to have a child? Have you ever had to wonder every day if you would ever get the chance to give birth to living baby? Have you ever had to face the uncertainty that I am facing right now? Have you ever had a needle poke into your ovaries while fully awake and felt ever bit of pain there was to feel? Have you ever had to hear the news that we have heard over the last three days, waiting and wondering if the babies we have created are even going to survive?

I don't mean to be rude or angry at anyone else-but if you haven't walked in the shoes that I have been walking in the past 6 years, and especially the past 2 years-please don't give me any advise. At this point I don't need advise. I don't need to hear that I need to stay strong, that I need to have faith, that I need to be positive, that I need to trust in God, that I need to believe everything will work out, that I need to not focus on numbers, or that I need to remember everything happens for a reason. I just need you to pray for me, for my husband, and for our 4 remaining babies.

Some people would say "You still have 4-that's great!" But here's the thing-each one of them are at a different cell stage and each one of them are on a different grading scale. I received a call today from the lab around Noon. They informed me that the 2 fertilized embryos who hadn't started any cell division yesterday did not make any progress and were discarded by the lab. They were able to biopsy the 4 that had cell division yesterday. However, yesterday all 4 were at a grade 1, the best quality. Today that is not the case. This is what we have today:

1 embryo with 4 cells, grade 1. Grade 1 is the best-but by today there should be 8 cells. As this embryo continues to grow-the quality might worsen. There is also a chance this embryo could stop growing by Wednesday when we have our transfer.

1 embryo with 6 cells, grade 3. Grade 3 means that the cells could be different shapes and sizes and there could be fragmentation seen throughout the embryo.

1 embryo with 8 cells, grade 4. Grade 4 embryos are considered non-viable. This one will likely not even make it to Wednesday, and if it did, they would not be able to transfer this one because of the poor quality and likelihood of development issues.

1 embryo with 10 cells, grade 2. Grade 2 embryos have even cells and slight fragmentation. This is the one I am counting on, that one that is giving me the only once of hope that I have left.

Based on some research, here is a picture to explain how the lab grades the embryos.

This is what fragmentation is:

"Embryo fragmentation is, essentially, an uneven, unclean division of the cells of the embryo. One can think of it as if you were breaking apart a piece of crusty bread. When you try to break the bread apart, crumbs, or fragments are formed. These fragments are of no use to the embryo and are considered “junk” pieces of cytoplasm. A rule that is good to go by when considering how fragmentation affects pregnancy is, the higher the degree of fragmentation, the lower the likelihood of pregnancy.

Typically the degree of fragmentation is denoted by using a grading scale that is assigned by the laboratory. The grading scale is usually a four-point grading scale, with 1 being an embryo with little fragmentation (<5 data-blogger-escaped-and="" data-blogger-escaped-being="" data-blogger-escaped-four="" data-blogger-escaped-fragmented="" data-blogger-escaped-highly="">40%) and considered non-viable. Excessive embryo fragmentation (grade 3-4) is considered a marker for embryos with compromised developmental potential. These embryos rarely make it past the 8-cell stage and it is unlikely that they will make it to the blastocyst stage. Embryos with >20% fragmentation may continue to develop normally to the blastocyst stage, although pregnancy rates may be compromised."

The problem is that now, not only do I have to worry about what genetically could be "wrong" with our embryos, I also have to worry about the quality of the cell division and rate of the cell division. The ones with the high amounts of fragmentation could very well be genetically normal, and the ones with low fragmentation could very well have genetic issues. Fragmentation is NOT caused by any genetic/chromosome/DNA issue.

So right now I am about to explode. I am about to explode because there are a thousand thoughts running through my mind. I am about to explode because we won't get a call tomorrow from the lab to let us know how our embryos are doing. I am about to explode because I am calling them embryos so I don't get attached-but the fact is I was attached before they were even created. I am about to explode because we will not know anything more until Wednesday when we arrive to the fertility clinic to view the genetic reports. I am about to explode because realistically I know there is a chance we will not have any we will be able to transfer. I am about to explode because realistically, even if we do get to transfer 1-the quality is compromised and very well may not result in a full pregnancy.

At the end of the day-I am not a quitter. I will get back up. I will stand on my feet again. I will make it through tomorrow, the next day, the day after that, and every day until I die from some medical illness that takes my life. But today, I am having a hard day. And I'm allowed to have a hard day.



I met with a reporter today with The Daily Standard who is going to run an article on my support group, Honoring Angels. She has been reading my blog. She told me she lit a candle for me and my husband at her church and put us on the prayer list. I have a favor to ask of you, the one reading this right now. Will you please light a candle for us, tonight or tomorrow, and say a prayer for us? Can you post the picture on my Facebook wall to let me know you are praying for us? All I need in this moment are prayers.