The most upsetting words people have spoken to me after each of my losses have to do with God. I've always hated hearing words like "Everything happens for a reason," "It wasn't God's Plan," and "Trust in God-he is so good." When you are going through miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss, there is nothing anyone can say or do to make you understand why it happened. It's natural to be angry at God.
I never grew up attending church, other than the occasional here and there with friends. But I was honestly never interested in church-it was boring to me. When we lost Riley, it was the first time in my life that I felt I needed to attend church for any sort of closure. I thought if I went to church it would bring me closer to God. As an adult, I found churches that kept my interest...but the part that always kept my interest was the worship music. I loved praising God with music....it put words to how I felt when I couldn't come up with the words myself.
Throughout my times of loss, I've questioned if there really is a God. I've questioned his ability to make miracles. I've questioned why he would cause me so much pain. I've questioned if there really is a set plan for our lives. I've questioned if my babys are really in Heaven waiting on me, or is Riley just laying cold in the ground and are Braylen,Logan,and Audrey just pieces of trash that were flushed down the toilet and thrown away.
Somehow I always go back to believing there is a God, my baby's are waiting for me in Heaven, and he can make miracles happen. I always go back to worshiping God through music. It's the kind of music I listen to most frequently. It has helped me through times of feeling defeated and has helped me to always regain hope. I am by far not the best Christian-my faith wavers often. My spirit feels broken the majority of the time. Yet in my brokenness, I still pray for our miracle and seek guidance from God on a daily basis.
This song has been one of my favorites over the last couple of months. These are my favorite lyrics in the song. We don't know what God's plan for us is, and I question myself everyday if we are making the right decisions. There are days where I am overcomed with fear that we are making the wrong turn and God will once again show us this is not the path he paved for us. So as we continue down the road we want to travel over the next year, I will be praying to God every day that this is part of the plan, and that he allows us to have our miracle. No matter what happens-I know he is making something beautiful out of our pain.
"You know the things that have brought me here.
You know the story of every tear.
‘Cause You've been here from the very start.
Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.
I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah."
This link will take you to the video for this song: