8 Years Later

"Life's a long and winding ride, better have the right one by your side."

Eight years ago on St. Patricks Day 2006, I met my husband while riding around Lake St. Marys on a party bus. I didn't know if I should have felt flattered or weirded out by him telling all his friends that I was "his girl" all night long, especially since we just met each other! From that day on though, his charming personality swooped me up and I have been "his girl" ever since.

Eight years is a long time. We've had years where no one would have thought we would have remained together. We've not always treated each other with respect. We've questioned if we were right for one another many times. Yet, at the end of every day, there is no one else we would rather be with. We've been together through 4 pregnancies, the funeral of our daughter, and three miscarriages. We've lived in three cities, three apartments, and three houses together. We've remodeled one entire home together and now we are working on remodeling our second home together. We've both graduate from college twice since we've been together and rooted each other on all the way. We've been together through 4 eye surgeries. We've been with each other through my three job changes since graduating college, and Alex's three job promotions. We've been each other's best friend, biggest supporter, and shoulder to cry on. Despite how many times we've made each other angry and how many arguments we have gotten into over the last 8 years...there is no body else that I would want to call me "his girl."

It is true...life is a long a winding ride, so you better have the right one by your side. I don't know anyone who I would rather have by my side on this long journey to parenthood. Alex and I have everything we need really, except children. Ever since getting a kitten our daily conversations consist of telling each other about what Farrah did that day and how Farrah and Lucky (his mother's cat we are cat sitting) got along that day. I can't wait to have children to be even more excited about talking to my husband about their daily accomplishments and how proud we are of them. We are going to be great parents together...there's no doubt in my mind about that!

Bed Rest and Butt Shots

Part of anyone's IVF cycle are Progesterone shots that go in your butt. They are intramuscular shots and the needle is very long and scary looking. I've been getting these shots every night by my husband since the night of our egg retrieval. The purpose of the shots are to thicken the uterine lining to support a growing baby. Typically, when we ovulate and become pregnant naturally, the follicle that released the egg becomes a corpus luteum cyst and naturally releases progesterone. In the case of IVF, your body has no natural way of releasing Progesterone so it must be supplemented through injections. As scary as the shots look, they aren't terrible. We just ice my bottom down before hand and then use a heating pad on it afterwards. My husband is doing a good job at giving them too, despite how nervous I was about it in the beginning. Tonight will be night 8 of the shots. As much as I thought all these shots were going to be the worst part of doing IVF-they have actually been the easiest. Far easier than the egg retrieval and getting the daily updates on our embryos and the waiting after the transfer.

Since the embryo transfer I have been on bed rest. I've been taking it easy, watching t.v. mostly and folding laundry on the couch. It is very weird to me that I know there was a ball of cells inserted into my uterus two days ago that should hopefully grow into a baby. I haven't been able to get excited about that possibility yet, because I know of the other possible outcomes and how bad those outcomes hurt. I was so hopeful in the beginning of this cycle and everything had been going so smoothly up until our egg retrieval. From there, things went down hill very fast. It always seems to happen that way. I get super hopeful and excited, I start buying baby items (which I did this time too), and then BAM-everything crashes around me.

Alex is more hopeful than I have ever seen him. He is so hopeful that he thinks the cells are going to divide and we will end up with twins or triplets. He is so hopeful that he has been putting his hand over my uterus ever since the transfer, as if he is holding his baby. I am glad he has this sense of hope, but at the same time, it makes me scared because I remember him doing the same thing when I was pregnant with Riley and Logan. He would always touch my belly, kiss my belly, and talk to our baby. It makes me sad that he can get that excited and then never has the chance to show that same kind of love to our children outside of my belly. At the same time, it helps me to know that our babies had so much love from us from the very beginning and didn't know anything else but our love. I hate that this time I am so guarded and trying to protect my own heart that I can't see past today.

For me, it is a day by day process. In a week from today I will have had my first pregnancy test. I will know if the baby actually implanted itself and continued to develop. In three weeks from today we will have our first ultrasound and will know if the baby has continued to grow enough to develop a heartbeat. From now until next Friday, all I can do is wait and wonder, pray and remain calm.

Taking a Chance for Life

Alex and I started making our way to Columbus this morning around 9:15am. We had a couple things to take care of before our transfer while we were in Columbus so we needed to get there early. At about 9:30am we received a call from the lab. They wanted to give us our genetic testing results before we came all the way to Columbus. It wasn't good news. As they discussed the chromosome issues with each embryo, my heart just sank. The results had nothing to do with my translocation, and each chromosome issue was considered "one of those fluke things." I just sat there trying to wrap my head around the information, all the while wondering why the hell nothing in our lives can ever be easy, consistent, or make any sense at all.

Here are the results we were given:

Embryo 1: 46 chromosomes, XX, with a deletion of the short arm on 1 chromosome 2 and a duplication on the long arm of the other chromosome 2. 8 cells, grade 3. On Wednesday this little lady was a 4 cell, grade 1.

Embryo 2: 47 chromosomes, XX, with an extra chromosome 8 causing Trisomy 8. 8 cells, grade 1. On Wednesday, this little lady was a 6 cell, grade 3.

Embryo 3: 47 chromosomes, XY, with an extra chromosome 21 causing Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome). Morula, grade 3. On Wednesday, this little guy was an 8 cell, grade 4.

Embryo 4: Inconclusive genetic results. Unknown chromosome make-up and gender. Morsula, grade 2. On Wednesday, this little turkey was a 10 cell, grade 2.

Based on these results, we knew embryos 1, 2, & 3 had genetic abnormalities and the doctor would not transfer any of them. We were told the only one the doctor would consider transferring was embryo 4, but that we needed to consider the risks of not having any genetic information and know that there could still be a genetic abnormality with embryo 4 that could result in miscarriage or birth defects. The lab explained that a Morsula is basically a day 4 embryo-they can no longer count how many cells there are. They explained that since day 3, embryo 4 has been the one who has shown the best growth and has remained consistently a grade 2 quality which is good.

I got off the phone and shared the results with Alex. We could have turned our car around, went home, and given up the little sliver of hope that we had left yesterday. But we kept driving. We decided to take a chance to create a life. A life that could very possibly end in a few weeks, or a few months. A life that could possibly be born with mental and physical disabilities. And a life that could possibly be completely healthy. We don't know the future of this life-but we knew we had to take that risk. We knew we did not come this far to give up completely. We knew that we could not risk giving up and throwing away our potential Rainbow Baby.

Our decision was made in a split second. But to be completely honest, it was not easy. A small part of me felt so broken and terrified of potentially carrying another baby who might die on me that I want to throw in the towel and surrender my desire to have a biological child. A small part of me didn't want to trust God again, because we've done that 4 other times and he failed us. The only thing he has ever given us has been heartache after heartache. A big part of me was angry, that we spent $15,000 and did not get any different result....that we would still be going into another pregnancy blind, not knowing what could happen and risking another devastation. A huge part of me was angry that we spent this money expecting to have multiple good embryos we could transfer and freeze but we only have one potential good one....that we don't even know for sure is good. We could have gotten these same results by getting pregnant on our own, without spending an astronomical amount.

As I sent our family members a text message to update them on our results and our decision, I finally released all my emotions and broke down crying. I cried because I was scared. I cried because of what I said to our family. "But as our life has always been a matter of chance, we are going to take this chance on baby 4, let go, and let God." I felt completely out of control, not knowing the future of this baby we were going to transfer, and especially not knowing our future and rather or not we would get to have this one biological child. It all was coming down to trusting God, and I didn't feel any sense of comfort in that.

We transferred baby 4 around 1:00pm. The transfer was not painful, quick, and simple. We were not allowed to get a picture of our baby before it was transferred because the lab did not want it exposed to light. I had to lay on the bed for 30 minutes after the transfer, and now I am on bed rest for 2 days. We decided to drive back home instead of staying with Alex's cousin in Columbus. We didn't get home until close to 5pm and I've been catching up on episodes of The Bachelor and American Idol while laying on the couch being lazy.

Alex and I are both overwhelmed by the amount of support and prayers we have been receiving! We just cannot thank you enough. Despite how difficult this journey has been for us so far-we do not feel alone, for the first time ever. We know that our journey could get harder since we do not know the genetic results of the baby we transferred. We ask that you continue to follow our pregnancy journey and continue to pray for Baby Monnier.

If the baby implants, I should feel some cramping....which I have been feeling tonight. I have no clue how soon the implantation is supposed to happen though! We really will not know anything else until March 21st when I get my first HCG blood test. I was told not to take a home pregnancy test...so I will see if I can hold out on that one-I don't know if I will be able to!

Ultimately, we do pray this is our Rainbow Baby. And despite feeling uneasy about trusting God with my baby's life...quite possibly not knowing the results was his way of saying "I got this for you, just trust me." I sure hope so anyway. No matter what happens....if this works or if this doesn't work-there will be no more attempts at IVF or even natural conception. We will be adopting to make our family complete. Financially we cannot afford to keep taking these risks. Physically my body cannot handle all the stress we are putting it through. And Emotionally we are tired of feeling the heartache that we have along this journey.

Holding On to Faith

Despite having a massive panic attack on my hour drive home from work last night, screaming at God and hyperventilating from crying hysterically, I woke up this morning and I did what I said I was going to do yesterday. I put one foot in front of the other and got ready for another day of work. I might have had several break downs on my way here, and every song on the radio I heard was somehow able to be applied to what we have been through and are going through, but I am still standing.

I am blessed beyond belief at how many people across the country and even across the world are reading my blog. I am blessed that I have hundreds of people that I don't even know who are praying for us. I am blessed to be inspiration to just one person, but I know I have been an inspiration to many more.

Our hearts will not be complete until we have our little one in our arms. I may not be pregnant with a baby right now, but there are 4 babies that I have been praying for the past four days and every day my heart yearns for them more...every day I am falling more in love with them, knowing they are mine no matter what happens. It is the hardest thing as a mother to trust your children's lives in someone elses hands, which is essentially what we are doing now.

All I can do at this point is hold on to faith. I knew when we started this new journey with IVF it was a long shot. I knew there was a chance it wouldn't work. I just didn't know how badly I would hurt when there was only a sliver of hope left that this might work. I have no idea what God's plans are for our life, and that uncertainly scares the hell out of me. But I have to hold on to my faith that whatever the plan is, it is a beautiful one.

Tomorrow we will arrive to our fertility clinic at 12:30pm. We will review the genetic reports along with the lab reports. If, by the grace of God, there is at least one that we can transfer, the transfer will be at 12:45pm. Following the transfer I will be on bed rest for 2 days. Alex's cousins in Columbus have graciously opened their homes to us for the night and we couldn't be more thankful to them for that.

Please continue to pray. This isn't over yet. Tomorrow will be a difficult day.

The Final Four

As I stare at the computer screen I am struggling how to put in words how I feel today. I'm at a breaking point to be honest. This is far harder than I ever imagined. It is so easy for everyone who is not in my shoes to tell me to "stay positive" and "don't give up." But have you lost 4 babies? Have you paid $15,000 at a chance to have a child? Have you ever had to wonder every day if you would ever get the chance to give birth to living baby? Have you ever had to face the uncertainty that I am facing right now? Have you ever had a needle poke into your ovaries while fully awake and felt ever bit of pain there was to feel? Have you ever had to hear the news that we have heard over the last three days, waiting and wondering if the babies we have created are even going to survive?

I don't mean to be rude or angry at anyone else-but if you haven't walked in the shoes that I have been walking in the past 6 years, and especially the past 2 years-please don't give me any advise. At this point I don't need advise. I don't need to hear that I need to stay strong, that I need to have faith, that I need to be positive, that I need to trust in God, that I need to believe everything will work out, that I need to not focus on numbers, or that I need to remember everything happens for a reason. I just need you to pray for me, for my husband, and for our 4 remaining babies.

Some people would say "You still have 4-that's great!" But here's the thing-each one of them are at a different cell stage and each one of them are on a different grading scale. I received a call today from the lab around Noon. They informed me that the 2 fertilized embryos who hadn't started any cell division yesterday did not make any progress and were discarded by the lab. They were able to biopsy the 4 that had cell division yesterday. However, yesterday all 4 were at a grade 1, the best quality. Today that is not the case. This is what we have today:

1 embryo with 4 cells, grade 1. Grade 1 is the best-but by today there should be 8 cells. As this embryo continues to grow-the quality might worsen. There is also a chance this embryo could stop growing by Wednesday when we have our transfer.

1 embryo with 6 cells, grade 3. Grade 3 means that the cells could be different shapes and sizes and there could be fragmentation seen throughout the embryo.

1 embryo with 8 cells, grade 4. Grade 4 embryos are considered non-viable. This one will likely not even make it to Wednesday, and if it did, they would not be able to transfer this one because of the poor quality and likelihood of development issues.

1 embryo with 10 cells, grade 2. Grade 2 embryos have even cells and slight fragmentation. This is the one I am counting on, that one that is giving me the only once of hope that I have left.

Based on some research, here is a picture to explain how the lab grades the embryos.

This is what fragmentation is:

"Embryo fragmentation is, essentially, an uneven, unclean division of the cells of the embryo. One can think of it as if you were breaking apart a piece of crusty bread. When you try to break the bread apart, crumbs, or fragments are formed. These fragments are of no use to the embryo and are considered “junk” pieces of cytoplasm. A rule that is good to go by when considering how fragmentation affects pregnancy is, the higher the degree of fragmentation, the lower the likelihood of pregnancy.

Typically the degree of fragmentation is denoted by using a grading scale that is assigned by the laboratory. The grading scale is usually a four-point grading scale, with 1 being an embryo with little fragmentation (<5 data-blogger-escaped-and="" data-blogger-escaped-being="" data-blogger-escaped-four="" data-blogger-escaped-fragmented="" data-blogger-escaped-highly="">40%) and considered non-viable. Excessive embryo fragmentation (grade 3-4) is considered a marker for embryos with compromised developmental potential. These embryos rarely make it past the 8-cell stage and it is unlikely that they will make it to the blastocyst stage. Embryos with >20% fragmentation may continue to develop normally to the blastocyst stage, although pregnancy rates may be compromised."

The problem is that now, not only do I have to worry about what genetically could be "wrong" with our embryos, I also have to worry about the quality of the cell division and rate of the cell division. The ones with the high amounts of fragmentation could very well be genetically normal, and the ones with low fragmentation could very well have genetic issues. Fragmentation is NOT caused by any genetic/chromosome/DNA issue.

So right now I am about to explode. I am about to explode because there are a thousand thoughts running through my mind. I am about to explode because we won't get a call tomorrow from the lab to let us know how our embryos are doing. I am about to explode because I am calling them embryos so I don't get attached-but the fact is I was attached before they were even created. I am about to explode because we will not know anything more until Wednesday when we arrive to the fertility clinic to view the genetic reports. I am about to explode because realistically I know there is a chance we will not have any we will be able to transfer. I am about to explode because realistically, even if we do get to transfer 1-the quality is compromised and very well may not result in a full pregnancy.

At the end of the day-I am not a quitter. I will get back up. I will stand on my feet again. I will make it through tomorrow, the next day, the day after that, and every day until I die from some medical illness that takes my life. But today, I am having a hard day. And I'm allowed to have a hard day.



I met with a reporter today with The Daily Standard who is going to run an article on my support group, Honoring Angels. She has been reading my blog. She told me she lit a candle for me and my husband at her church and put us on the prayer list. I have a favor to ask of you, the one reading this right now. Will you please light a candle for us, tonight or tomorrow, and say a prayer for us? Can you post the picture on my Facebook wall to let me know you are praying for us? All I need in this moment are prayers.

What Faith Can Do

At 10:38am we got our second update on how our 6 babies are growing. The doctor informed me that once the fertilized cells start dividing the embryo (baby) is placed on a grading system-Grade 1-5, based on the quality of the embryo. He informed me that out of our 6 fertilized eggs, 2 have not began dividing yet at all. However, he believes they could start dividing today so he is not going to take them out of the equation just yet. Of the other 4 whose cells have started dividing, we have 3 that are right on track at 4 cells each and he said they are grade 1, the best quality. Our other little one is at 2 cells today, but also a grade 1 quality. So to recap, we have 4 grade 1 quality embryos today, but 3 that are right on track. I asked if the ones who have not taken off yet are likely the ones with chromosome issues and he said they have no way of knowing that.

Yesterday I felt a huge dark cloud hovering over me all day after we got the call that we went from 12 eggs to only 6 that were fertilized. Going through this process is extremely stressful. There are days when our hope and faith are through the roof and days when it feels like our dream is no where near our reach. Yesterday was one of those days for me that it just felt no where near my reach. Especially knowing that my eggs carry chromosome issues that have resulted in death of at least 3 of our 4 babies we have been pregnant with. Knowing that out of these 4 that are dividing-there will be some with Down Syndrome and likely some with Trisomy 13, and we will be very lucky to have at least one that has all 46 chromosomes without any extra genetic material attached to them. It has made me feel like Satan has entered my mind and is trying to get me down, making me feel like this is impossible for us.

Today I am making myself kick out any negative thought that I have in my mind. I am going to remember that no matter what happens, we will be parents and God has a special plan for us. I am going to focus on keeping faith in God that he has brought us this far and he will not leave us. I am going to remember that faith, above all things, has to be the center of our lives right now.

Tomorrow is genetic testing day. We won't get a phone call until some time in the afternoon to let us know how the biopsies went and how many they were able to test. I will update once we have an answer. Until then-keep praying my friends. Pray that the 4 that are doing well keep doing well, and pray that the 2 struggling will get a hand from God and will start growing today.

This song is going to get us through these next couple of days.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1JBSQMkQEo

The 6 Pack

We got the call today from Reproductive Diagnostics in Columbus which is the lab who fertilizes our eggs and tests our embryos. Of the 12 eggs they were able to be retrieve yesterday, only 7 were actually mature enough for fertilization. Of those 7, 6 actually fertilized. As of today, we have created 6 babies that we hope will be with us all the way through. The reality is though, some of those 6 babies will likely stop growing over the next 4 days before our transfer date. We are going to try to remain hopeful that at least 2-4 of these babies will make it through the genetic testing and will be able to be transferred.

Today I am feeling less abdominal pain than I was yesterday, but it's not gone yet. I slept with a heating pad on my stomach most of the night last night. I'm trying not to use any pain meds today unless I have to. We have a birthday party to go to later today so I might need to take one before we go, just so I'm able to walk around without cramping.

Tomorrow we will have another update on how our little 6 pack is growing! Please keep praying:) We need all the prayers we can get!