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Thursday, January 1, 2015

Will 2015 be OUR Year?

Last night my husband and I spent our evening with my older sister, her husband, and a few strangers we just met.  I was one of two sober people at their small party and the other one was 8 months pregnant (but only looked 6 and I look 6 months pregnant when I'm only 2 months pregnant).  All night my sister kept telling everyone that I was pregnant and that we spent a lot of money to get pregnant and had a really rough year.  She was really intoxicated. But she was also very happy and excited for us too...and I could tell that she wants this for us as much as we want it for us.  And when I was holding the 3 month old baby who was there with his parents, she kept telling me that I'm so good with kids.  She genuinely cannot wait for me to add some babies to our family and believes that I will be a great mother.  It is a good feeling to have the support of my family when we have had to go to such unconventional ways to create our own.  It's an even better feeling to know that my family isn't looking at the baby that I am carrying as my younger sister's child even though genetically it came from her and not me. 

Throughout the night I had so many laughs, mainly at my sister and brother-in-law who are hilarious when they drink.  I never thought being sober on New Years Eve would be so much fun.  My stomach was hurting and many times I had tears in my eyes and trouble breathing because I was laughing so hard.  I would say it was a good night. 

But the moment that I will remember the most was 1 minute after the ball dropped and I got my New Year's kiss from my husband.  Everyone was passing around the Champagne bottle and I was staring at the TV watching the crowd in New York when my eyes began watering.  It hit me right then.  Will 2015 finally be our year?  Will it be the year that we welcome our first living child into the world?  Will it be the year that we become a family of three instead of two?  Will it be the year that I get to have the baby shower of my dreams or the year that we get to decorate a nursery?  And then my sister came over to give me a hug and tell me that 2015 WILL be our year...and my response was "I hope so." 

Those three words sum of everything.  I am still hoping.  I am still not 100% sure or confident.  I am still cautious.  I am still afraid.  Is it because it's still too early to say nothing will go wrong? Or Is it because I am trying to protect myself from the pain if something does go wrong?

All I know is that by this time in my last two pregnancies I had already bought some kind of baby item and I haven't purchased anything for the baby this time around.  I'm too scared to.  I haven't even gone into Babies R Us which is very unusual for me.  I created a Registry when I was 8 weeks pregnant with our third baby because I was so sure and so excited...and three weeks later was crushed into a million pieces.  So this time...I don't know when I will step foot into that store.  It might be awhile and that's okay.  When I was pregnant with Riley I bought over $200 worth of summer outfits for her right after finding out she was a girl, and two weeks later she was laying in a casket and couldn't wear a single outfit I bought her because she was the size of a doll baby.  So will 2015 finally be the year where I get to buy something for our baby that I don't have to return or put into storage?  I really, really hope so.

Last night was the first tear that I had shed for our baby since the egg retrieval when our baby was just a wish that we were wishing for. I freeze up emotionally during ultrasounds and instead of focusing on how I feel about seeing our baby's progress every week, I focus on the facts-what's the baby measuring, how many beats per minute is the heart rate.  When I leave the office I let out a sigh of relief...but the feeling of overwhelming love for the baby growing inside me doesn't hit me.  It finally hit me last night that this tiny baby could be in my arms come August of THIS 32 weeks or less. 

Here's to hoping these next 32 weeks are filled with moments of joy and happiness as we watch our baby grow inside me, and the remaining 20 weeks of 2015 are filled with dirty diapers, sleepless nights, nursery rhymes, cuddles and giggles, and a love beyond our comprehension!

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