My Mother's Day Wish

With Mother's Day fast approaching, there are so many emotions that I feel.  I think about how it should be. I think about how many Mother's Days I've been through as the childless mother.  I think about how I have felt on each of those Mother's Days....and I remember them all so clearly. 

Mother's Day 2008: I was planning to have my baby shower this weekend.  From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew it was the perfect weekend to have my baby shower. It was 8 weeks before my due date.  But my daughter died 2 months earlier, and instead, my sister-in-law had her baby shower that weekend.  What should have been one of the most exciting days of my life was filled with a pain no women should ever had to feel.

Mother's Day 2009: I should have had an 11 month old baby...my first mother's day spent with my baby in my arms instead of my belly.  But she wasn't there with me.  Instead, I took a rose to the cemetery and attached a note "Love Mom", and I laid it on her tombstone.  It was a lonely and depressing day, seeing my sisters and sister-in-law getting cards from our mothers and feeling like I was the invisible mother.

Mother's Day 2010:  I was due with my second baby one week earlier.  It should have been celebrated with a newborn baby in my arms.  I felt an overwhelming jealousy that my sister, 4 years younger than me, was a new mom with a 2 month old and I was still the invisible childless mother.

Mother's Day 2011:  Four Mother's Days later...no matter how much I cried and pleaded, my babies were not coming back.  Not only should I have a 3 year old, but I should have just celebrated my 1 year old's birthday.  The more that time goes by, the more awkward I just feel about my identity-what am I? I love my babies like a mother would love them. I hate the awkwardness around my family like they don't know if they should tell me "Happy Mothers Day" or not.

Mother's Day 2012: Five years...really?  It seems unreal that five years have passed since my life changed and I became the invisible mother.  As the time passes the pain lessened....except on this very day where everyone around me was celebrating with their children.  Knowing we were getting married in just over 2 months gave me hope, and I thought for sure next Mother's Day was going to be the year I would be a "real" mother in everyone else's eyes finally.

Mother's Day 2013:  The pain was so strong and so real.  I should have been entering my third trimester and ecstatic about being pregnant.  I shouldn't have had a third angel in heaven that I would never get to spend a single Mother's Day with.  That's not how it was supposed to be.  I shouldn't have been stressing out about the fertility grant we applied for to help us afford the $22,000 procedure our doctors were encouraging us to have.  I shouldn't have been feeling so much guilt about the thought of selecting a baby based on its genetic makeup.  It should have put a smile on my face when my mom told me "Happy Mother's Day" for the first time in 6 years...but it just felt like those words had no meaning..."happy?" What's happy about being a mother to children you can never hold, never kiss, never watch grow up?  It wasn't a happy day at all.  The ONLY happy thing that happened that day was, just as we were getting ready to leave, my niece pointed out a rainbow shinning on the hardwood floor in the hallway.  It was amazing, and honestly lifted my spirits.  Then we saw three more rainbows shinning on the wall of the stairway.  Was it a sign?  Was our rainbow coming soon??  Did this mean I would be a mother with a living child by next Mother's Day???

Mother's Day 2014:  I can only imagine how painful this day is going to be.  After finding out in September that I was pregnant again, due on May 18th, and knowing I would have been induced on May 10th had I not already given birth to Audrey, it was supposed to be a life changing weekend for me.  I was supposed to become a mother to our Rainbow Baby on Mother's Day weekend, or I would have already been the mother to our Rainbow Baby.  After losing Audrey to miscarriage, and finding out we got selected for the Baby Quest Foundation grant, my hope was restored that this Mother's Day would still be a happy one. I thought for sure we would become pregnant by doing IVF with pre-implantation genetic testing...and I thought for sure I would be 11 weeks pregnant with a baby that we knew was healthy and had a good chance of surviving the entire pregnancy.  But yet again, I am left with an empty womb and empty arms on my 7th Mother's day...bearing the overwhelming role as the childless mother once more.

My wish this Mother's Day is to receive the gift of life.  My wish is to have the remainder of our IVF bill paid off, so we can start fresh with a new clinic on May 13th.  My wish is to be able to afford to go to New York to be tested for autoimmune disorders that could be contributing to my lack of ability to carry to term, so that I can be treated if anything is discovered and so that I can have peace of mind if nothing is discovered.  My wish is to be able to start our new IVF cycle with my sister's donated eggs between August and November so the medication we have remaining does not expire and can't be used.  My wish is to be able to celebrate Mother's Day 2015 with a healthy pregnancy and the baby shower of my dreams for our Rainbow Baby.

You can help my wish come true.  You can participate in my Origami Owl fundraiser that our friend has graciously put together to help raise money to support our quest to our Rainbow Baby.  You can custom design your own locket to represent your story.  You can have your husband buy you a locket for Mother's Day and display your children's birthstones inside it.  These are perfect for capturing what's inside your heart with many unique charms to choose from. There are also inspirational tags with uplifting messages to choose from. I can't wait to create my own locket at my Origami Owl party on April 12th...there's a story in my heart waiting to be worn around my neck.

When placing an ONLINE ORDER, please go towww.oolocketdesigner.com and where your customer information is entered and where it says JEWELRY BAR CODE, enter LindsayMonnier265033. 

Thank you for your support and help to make my

 Mother's Day wish come true!