My blog has been viewed 23, 311 times, but I rarely get a comment on my actual blog site. Today, in honor of "bump day" in the pregnancy world-I want to hear about your struggles with infertility and/or recurrent pregnancy loss. I want to challenge you to write your story on my blog, which has been a symbol of my heart. I want you to educate the world on how different infertility looks for everyone, what you have been able to overcome, and what you are still dealing with. Share your infertility journey with me so I can be inspired by you, so I can pray for you, and so I can celebrate with you. 
This blog has freed me to be honest. It has allowed all the words that I wish I could say out loud to be spoken in writing. I has brought me closer to some family members. It has given others an opportunity to talk to me about what we have been going through. It has connected me to so many other women who are struggling with the same battles. And I hope that it has inspired others who may or may not being dealing with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss.
I encourage you to allow yourself to be freed too! Let it out...let it all out, right here! You can post as an "anonymous" person, with just your initials, or with your actual name. However you decide to post, I can guarantee you will feel the weight of the world lifted from your shoulders! I can also guarantee you that you will inspire at least one other person:)There is no need to be ashamed of your story-it has made you the incredible person that you are! 
20 comments:
Full details can be found on my blog, but we have conceived 8 using follistim + IUI. We have 4 kids in heaven, one that walks this earth and 1 that is currently growing.
I'm 32 years old, I have had three losses. The first two were 8 years ago. I lost friends. I had people mock my pain. They told me my grief was wrong. I should get over it even though it took 4 months for my body to be normal again after the second loss. No one took me seriously without a fight. I was incorrectly labeled borderline personality disorder when I got help for my complicated grief. Then I found online support groups. I found peace. Still struggling with infertility. No live children. The charting is exhausting. My dh doesn't seem to understand. I get so tired of the 'don't you want one of your own' I've been trying. I want to scream it. Right now I am a full time nanny to a little boy. I try to enjoy every moment because even though I'm trying, I may never have my own. I wish more would understand the pain. I wish more drs listened to us. I wish more research was done to prevent this because these children may be the most wanted in the universe, but they died.
Since I was 17 I have known that getting pregnant would be difficult. I was told I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) At 17 it was a devastating blow, but its true impact wasn't realized until I hit 28 years old. I'm getting married to a wonderful man who has a beautiful son from a past relationship that I love more than words can say. Yet while I love him dearly its hard to look at him and know that I may never have a baby of my own. It makes me feel hollow inside knowing that while a woman he doesn't love can give him a child, I likely will never be able to give him that.
From a physical aspect my body does not have periods. I don't ovulate... ever. When I do have a period, its just a chemical induced process that does not result in the release of an egg. Its frustrating. I can take fertility drugs, but with my hormone levels they aren't sure that I can actually stay pregnant. My hormones will not stay regulated. Litterally my hormones are like that of a woman going through menopause.... Hot flashes, cold chills, night sweats, my libido is non-existant, my breasts are tender all the time. Another doctor gave me a high dosage birth control to try and "regulate my periods..." All that did was cause the worst cramps I have ever felt followed by a 3 week long period.
I have tried lots of different hormone replacement options, one made me start growing a beard. Another made me break out in hives so bad I couldn't walk for a whole day.
Symptoms aside I really don't care. I would gladly shave a beard daily, deal with sore breasts and aweful cramps, and even lie in bed covered in hives if I knew in the end I would have a little one of my own to hold and love and comfort forever. I'm thankful for my little buddy and think he is perfect, but I really want a brother or sister for him one day.
Brianna-Can you share your blog with us?? I am praying your little one growing right now will continue to grow to be big and strong!!
Shauna-I am so glad you found the RIGHT support to bring you to a place of feeling understood and not labels with such a rediculous diagnosis for someone grieving such traumatic losses. I am praying your husband will find it in him to recognize what you are going through and I pray you will get your rainbow baby!
Anonymous-Your expression of emotions hit me to the core of what this journey feels like. While our journey's are much different...we both feel incredibly helpless and at times hopeless that it will ever turn out the way it is supposed to. I also struggle with fears that I may never be able to give my husband a baby of his own and it tears me apart. We are looking into egg donation from my sister because at least then the baby is still fully my husband's and, if I can carry the baby to term, I will feel like I gave him what he deserves to have. The hard part in this is that I feel like I deserve a baby that is part me too..and with egg donation, I wouldn't be the biological mother-but hopefully I will still be the birth mother. I think as long as I can give birth to the baby...It will help me feel like I did get what I deserved....I got to give birth to our baby, and every women deserves that.
Well my story begins when i was 14 i had irregular periods. Was put on i believe every oral contraceptive their was invluding the depo provera shot. Didnt think much of having kids until i got married in 2009. My gyno had still had me taking birth control pills to regulate my cycles. Went through so many blood tests, internal ultrasounds regular ultra sounds. So finally a year ago i was diagnosed with pcos. They hade taking metformin. I took it for 6 months and it kept making me sick so i stopped. My husband has a son that i have been helping raise for awhile now. It hurts to see the many women who are pregnant or having babies. I am happy for them but still feel sad.
I am now 26 and no luck with anything.
I was married in 2004, right out of college. I knew that I wanted children right away, and my husband said that he wanted children, but it was never the "right" time. We never had enough money, or time, or whatever. Finally, by 2007, I was ready to become a mother. I had already had one surgery to remove endometriosis from my ovaries, bladder, and fallopian tubes. I knew that it would come back and potentially prevent me from conceiving. I stopped my birth control and we started trying, although my husband protested. Every month that I didn't get pregnant, I was devastated and he was relieved. I knew something was wrong from the get-go. I started charting my basal body temperature and cervical mucus. As far as I could tell, I was ovulating. I asked my doctor about it and he literally brushed my charts aside and said that I had to wait a year. I asked my gynecologist and she said the same thing- wait a year. We waited a year. I went back to the gynecologist. I confided that my husband had been married previously and that his ex-wife had not taken birth control, but she never got pregnant. She eventually had an affair with his supervisor and became pregnant right away. I asked if the problem could be with him and not with me. She referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist for my husband to be evaluated. When I told my husband about my suspicions, he became absurdly angry and did not speak to me for two weeks. However, he finally agreed to be tested. That in itself was a very weird experience and he refused to let me participate. After several days, his tests results came back. He had close to zero sperm and the ones that he did have were deformed and unable to swim. We were referred to an endocrinologist for genetic and hormonal testing. My husband refused to go. He made excuse after excuse. He forgot the phone number. He couldn't afford the co-pay. This lasted for another year. I finally went back to see the reproductive endocrinologist who ordered another semen analysis. My husband went in for it. This time, the doctor called me himself to tell me the bad news- azoospermia. My husband had no sperm. The doctor was concerned for my husband's overall health. He was diagnosed with diabetes and was grossly overweight. He was 35 and had to use a CPAP machine just to breathe at night. My husband finally relented and went to see the endocrinologist. During the physical exam, the endocrinologist pointed out that my husband had developed breast tissue and that his testes were smaller than an infant's. He suspected that my husband had an extra X chromosome, effectively making him a female. After a battery of tests, we learned that my husband did not have an extra X chromosome, but that he had no testosterone. His testes had failed. The endocrinologist told him that he had to begin testosterone therapy right away or he would continue to experience breast development, testicular atrophy, muscle atrophy, weight gain and other health problems. This was serious. He could die. My husband refused the therapy. His reasoning was that he did not want the testosterone gel to be transferred from his skin to mine. I begged and pleaded with him only to be told that I could go marry someone else. This went on for several years. I still desperately wanted a baby. I didn't blame my husband for his infertility, but I blamed him for his inaction. I blamed him for blaming me when it had seemed like the problem was with me.
Finally, we went back to see the reproductive endocrinologist. At this point, our only option was either IUI or IVF with donor sperm. Oddly, my husband was happy with that and threw himself into picking out a donor. We inherited some money when his father died and we used it to pay for the treatment. At this point, I was living in a different state and in my third year of medical school. Every month I took Clomid and injected myself with Leutininzing hormone. I had to have multiple ultrasounds to time the treatment. This posed a logistical problem and I often had to leave a clinical rotation to have an ultrasound. Several doctors that were training me wrote very nasty letters about this that went into my permanent file used for residency applications. The Clomid gave me horrible migraines that caused me to lose my vision. I once spent the night in the ER, too sick to drive home after being evaluated for a stroke. This also went into my file when my preceptors complained. Once a month, I had to drive from Elkins, WV to Richmond, Va to a sperm bank. This was a 16 hour drive, round trip. I asked my husband to help me, but he refused. I was the one who wanted a baby, so I was the one who needed to do the work. I was also paying for the sperm ($1,000 per vial) with my student loans. A week or so after picking up the sperm, I had to travel to Charlottesville, Va for the IUI. While I have experienced worse things, IUI is in no way pleasant. The doctor inserted a catheter through my cervix and into my uterus and injected the sperm. It was painful. It was humiliating. My first procedure was the day before I took my board exam. It was a bad day, but I was hopeful. Nothing happened. Month after month I went through this. The doctors started evaluating me. Maybe I had PCOS? My periods were regular, but maybe. I started on Metformin.
That month, finally, my period was late. I took a test and there it was, that second pink line! I was filled with a sense of dread almost immediately. I left my husband to drive back to WV, all the while talking to the little creature growing inside me. I stopped at Dollar General along the way to use the restroom and walked out with a cute little onesie. "Handsome like Daddy" it said. I told the clerk I was pregnant. And then I stopped for Starbucks. I was so tired and I was falling asleep and I still had to cross a mountain range before I was back home. The next day at work, I told my preceptor that I was pregnant because I was concerned about exposures. She congratulated me. My doctor had ordered hcg levels and I went to the lab to have the blood drawn the next morning. I confided in my preceptor that I was nervous. She offered to pull my test results up. When they appeared on the screen, my heart sank. My preceptor said, "Well, that's not good". My levels were way too low. My baby was dead. I stood there, shocked, not knowing what to do. My preceptor thrust a chart into my hands and told me to go see the patient in room 3 and walked away. I still stood there. And then I fell apart. I went to the bathroom and cried and cried and cried. I came out and ran into a nurse waiting for the bathroom. I asked her to tell my preceptor that I was sick and I had to go home. She nodded and I left. I got home. I don't remember calling my husband, but he told me that he couldn't come get me because he had to work the next day and needed sleep. I was in no shape to drive. I called his cousin and my mother and they agreed to come and get me. I called my dean and told her what happened and she consoled me as best she could and said she would take care of it. My mom, brothers, and husband's cousin drove all night to come get me and take me home to my husband. The rest of the time is a blur. Because I wasn't bleeding, I was evaluated for an ectopic pregnancy. I was offered a D&C, but I refused. I couldn't get out of bed. Finally, I started bleeding. The pain was bad. I wanted to die. And then my two weeks were up and I had to go back to work. Oddly enough, I was on my OB rotation next. The first day I met a girl with my due date. She had been raped and wanted an abortion. I nearly lost it. And then my dean called me. My former preceptor had failed me because I left my last rotation, even though she knew the circumstances. The school wouldn't change the failure or defend me. There was nothing she could do, sorry. My husband called later. He had decided to stop paying our mortgage because he wanted to move into an apartment and our house had been foreclosed on. I needed to get my stuff out that weekend. Oh, and by the way, he had filed for divorce. He wanted a wife that "already had kids" and wouldn't care about his infertility, plus I wasn't Christian enough. All of my hopes and dreams and everything I had worked for crashed and burned before my eyes. I have never been so low. I slogged through my days, barely conscious, but somehow managed to make A's on my rotations. I couldn't cry, couldn't talk about it and I had no one to talk with. I was alone in rural WV without a single friend. I was too numb to even pay attention. My best friend told me, via Facebook that after four months of marriage, she was pregnant! Wasn't I happy for her? I wasn't. She told me that her pregnancy was "sacred" and I wasn't going to ruin it for her. We quit speaking. My family was angry with me because I was getting divorced, although I didn't want to. I had nobody. Nobody. I was all alone.
I look back on that time two years ago and I don't know how I survived, much less managed to actually continue my life. But I did.
P.S. Surprisingly, I fell in love with my best friend. Last year, we learned that I was pregnant! At 17 weeks, my sweet baby girl was diagnosed with Anencephaly, a fatal neural tube disorder. Denali was born on 12/27/13. She lived for three incredible, miraculous days!
www.denalihetzel.blogspot.com
Sure Lindsay. I think if you click on my name from my comment above it will give you the link, but here it is, too
http://whereivebeenandwhereimgoing.blogspot.com/
Ok well this last pregnancy was number 3. I had two early losses, one 13 weeks my aden the other 6 weeks, baby Angel (my exes last name was Angel, go figure). I thought for sure after the ffirsttrimester I was out of the woods. It was a fairly normal pregnancy and around 21 weeks we found out we were having a girl. We were so excited. A couple days later though we were called and told some facial abnormalities had shown up on the us and we needed to see a specialist.
It was confirmed she had a bilateral cleft lip and a cleft palate and it was pretty severe. We opted for an amnio to rule out any other issues because she was measuring several weeks behind as well though because she had no other visible defects we were confident she was ok.
A day before 23 weeks we got the call that bluntly told us she had Trisomy 13 and was offered abortion information.
We were so pissed they just called us like that! I demanded a meeting so that night we went up to see them a discuss what this meant. Trisomy 13 and 18 have a very high pregnancy and infant mortality rate. They gave her days to live told us any day now she'd die. We were devastated but demanded they respect our choice to give her every chance we could and that means carrying to term.
We named her Addison Quinn Russell the day we learned she was destined to die.
I went home a researched and learned many kids to make it to birth and beyond. We were hopeful but realistic. We were blessed with almost two more months with her when I had to be induced due to severe preeclampsia. She held on for 2 1/2 sweet hours and died in my arms on 1/6/14.
Stacey, I'm originally from buckhannon, wv so I'm familiar with the area. (((Hugs))) to everyone.
I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 23 and we started TTC when I was 29 so we always knew it would be difficult. My periods have always been sporadic. Over the past 2 years I've done countless rounds of Clomid and Femara and 1 IUI but no pregnancy yet. It has been so disappointing because I ovulate great every time I take medication.
Last year my husband and I got fed up with all the medical stuff and decided to pursue adoption, but within months we were denied due to a small technicality. It was devastating all over again, but we weren't ready to give up on being parents. We decided to try fertility treatments again, but a more natural approach this time. I've been losing weight and taking vitamins, which has helped my cycle.
We were frustrated because we still weren't getting pregnant after seeming to do everything right. So my husband decided to get a semen analysis done, he had one done soon after we started this journey and they told us everything looked fine but we wanted a 2nd opinion. We got the results back just today and come to find out we are dealing with male factor infertility and just didn't know it all this time. So back to the doctor he goes and we are keeping the faith that one day it will work out for us.
Stacey....I couldn't stop reading, and every time someone failed to be supportive of you I became incredibly angry for you! Your husband sounds like he was a piece of work!!! You were so patient with him...way more than I would have been. Something was wrong from the beginning with him. Im so glad you found real love. I am also so glad you received the joy of becoming a mother, and incredibly heart broken you have felt the pain of being a mother to an angel:(. You now live in Alaska, right?? Are you a practicing doctor?
Jexxy-I have a translocated chromosome that can cause Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome). Our last two precious babies were confirmed to have Down Syndrome and were lost in the first trimester. I have only carried out of the first trimester once, with my first daughter who was stillborn at 24 weeks with what we thought then was a cord accident. I would have done the same thing as you-I wouldnt have given up on my baby. Thank you for sharing sweet Addison's life with us, along with Baby Aden and Baby Angel's lives!
Amanda,
Sometimes the infertility battle seems so overwhelming. Its enough to break you when its just one issue...but then when you throw in male infertility as an issue too...its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My husband and I can get pregnant-but with my translocated chromosome and his poor quality sperm...we will likely miscarry every time d/t poor embryo quality. Even our IVF with ICSI and PGD was a complete bust. Now we are looking into IVF with donor eggs from my sister, as long as she does not carry the translocation too, and can hopefully to IMSI which is even better than ICSI (magnifys the sperm more than ICSI to make sure they are using the best quality sperms).
Thank you for sharing Tabetha! I am pulling for you hun!!
I am the face of full term stillbirth - on August 20, 2013 my third child and first born son silently slipped into this world. I was in shock.....numb - devastated that this could even happen. I felt like I was the only person in the world experiencing this because I didn't know it could happen to a healthy baby and for no reason. This has lead to my own awareness efforts in honor of my son. I have created a page on facebook where I am speaking out about pregnancy & infant loss - I also speak out about infertility because it is a form of pregnancy loss. www.facebook.com/AidensWingsofAwareness
Late to the game (and the full story is on my blog http://missingnoah.wordpress.com) But for DS1 after charting for 9m, we did 1 round of femara and 1 round of femara +progesterone. DS2 was conceived on our third cycle with just progesterone, and we lost him at 20w. After that we did a natural IUI with progesterone on cycle 6 that ended in miscarriage. We think we may have had several chemical pregnancies in the 5 cycles before that. If I had to guess, I'd say at least 2-3. On cycle 8 we will be doing a clomid IUI with progesterone.
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