I started writing my opinion on what it would be like to go through cancer as an adult or to watch my child go through cancer...but I erased it because I don't think it is my place to assume what it must be like. Just like I would expect anyone who has never experienced infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, or child loss to assume what that must feel like. 9 times out of 10-we would never be able to come close to describing how someone else feels going through something we have not experienced ourselves.
That being said-infertility can feel like a terminal illness sometimes. Just like being diagnosed with cancer-there is a cycle of emotions your go through: fear, devastation, anger, depression, hopefulness, excitement, acceptance, determination, helplessness, and defeat. One of the worst parts of infertility is the financial burden it causes due to lack of coverage from insurance companies. Some couples spend an upwards of $100,000 in an attempt to have just one child. That alone is traumatizing...adding so much financial debt when you already feel like your you are drowning emotionally.
The fertility medication can have so many negative side effects and can sometimes cause more problems. For example-I have always had regular cycles (28-30 days) prior to going through our IVF round, and now this month I am 6 days late with no signs of starting my period and I'm not pregnant (we weren't trying anyways). My IVF nurse has mentioned the possibility that I could have ovarian cysts which are preventing me from starting my period. Great. Add another medical issue to our list of infertility problems....one that developed BECAUSE I used fertility medication for one month and one month only. If my period doesn't start by Monday they want to do blood work and an ultrasound to see if I do have ovarian cysts. This alone makes me scared to even try egg donation with my sister because I would not want her to develop the same side effects and have issues later on when she does try to have more of her own children! Not to mention the fertility medications make you super emotional because of the rapid hormone changes in your body. They cause hot flashes and can cause you to go in premature ovarian failure due to overstimulation of your ovaries. IF you are LUCKY-the medication will HELP you have children...but remember, not ALL women are blessed with the same fate when going through infertility procedures.
When someone goes through cancer treatments they are fighting to save their own life. When someone goes through infertility treatments they are fighting to create a life to add meaning to their own life. In a sense...they are fighting to save their life. Some women start to feel like if they can't have children there is no point in them living. Some women whose bodies fail to protect their precious baby's life feel like they have nothing to life for anymore-especially after having multiple miscarriages or stillbirths. They have to cope with recurrent nightmares, flashbacks, intense fear and anxiety that sometimes feels like they are having a heart attack, and feeling like no one in their circle of friends and family can understand their emotions.
I personally feel like I have been fighting to a never ending battle against this disease. I feel like I am at war with my own body. I feel like I have been beat down and bruised up so many times that my whole body should be black and blue. I feel like my soul is dying to be completely honest. I breathe, I walk, I talk...but I barely smile and I'm rarely happy. This disease has stolen so much from my life that I will never be able to get back, because we can't bring our babies back to life. It has caused me to live a life of fear, constantly worried that no matter how we get pregnant the next time my body will fail us again. It has caused us debt that continues to increase because every potential option we choose costs another $20 grand. This disease has traumatized me, and it has traumatized so many other women around the world too. Don't ever think there is a simple quick fix to infertility-just like there is no simple quick fix to cancer.
5 comments:
What you write is exactly how I feel. I don't battle infertility but every word you say is how I feel after losing my full term baby to stillbirth. I suffer with PTSD - I have intense periods of grief and loss of self worth - I rarely smile and my happiness isn't deep and true. A part of me died the day my baby did. Not only was I left greiving the loss of my baby but I have to try to comprehend that healthy babies can die in the womb for absoletely no reason. I felt blind-sided by this ugly truth. Why didn't I know this could happen? That is what bothers me the most. Why wasn't I told of this possible undesireable outcome in pregnancy. That once you get past the 12th or 24th week that, essentially, that doesn't mean anything! The only certain thing is - you will take home a baby but it may not be the way you think......
While I have not personally had experience with cancer or infertility, I can't help but think that comparing the two is something that shouldn't be done. For one, a cancer patient has NO control over what is going on in their body. A person who goes through fertility treatments CHOOSES to do so because they want a child. I am not saying that what you went through and continue to deal with isn't difficult, but to compare it to cancer seems a bit dramatic and offensive. Yes, we know you are a victim of infertility, but if you stopped all of the treatments, you could live a seemingly normal life (unfortunately with no children), but a cancer patient fights and goes through vigorous treatments to have something that you already have, LIFE.
I typically do not comment on blogs but I think you are speaking from an area that you have no clue about. I lost my full term daughter during labor through no fault of my own and I am living with that and now trying to get pregnant again. It does not sound like you have any experience with losing a child so you really have no ground to speak on.
I have a friend who had cancer and she has been very supportive to me as I have been grieving the loss of my daughter. She feels that her cancer doesn't compare to the loss that I am experiencing.
I do not have a choice to live a complete life without a child because every day the empty nursery and emptiness in my heart is unbearable. Yes I will choose to go through fertility treatments if I need to just like I would choose to treat cancer if I had that.
I hope that you never have to feel the loss and pain that infertility and/or losing a child would bring.
I just want to make this clear-I am not saying Infertility is WORSE than cancer. I am saying Infertility is a disease. A horrible disease...that no one in their right mind would CHOOSE to have or put themselves through just like no one in their right mind would CHOOSE to go through cancer. I as well lost my daughter to stillbirth-I did not CHOOSE that. I then lost three more babies to miscarriage and I did not CHOOSE that. I have NO CONTROL what is happening to my body EITHER. You are absolutely right....I CHOSE to try an infertility treatment which cost me $15,000 out of my OWN POCKET to TRY to have a HEALTHY BABY that would not DIE and it did not WORK. Instead-I have now SIDE EFFECTS from the medication I took, which NO ONE WARNED me about and could possible PREVENT me from getting pregnant again on MY OWN. I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS TO HAPPEN. I DID NOT CHOOSE TO BE A CHILDLESS MOTHER. I DID NOT CHOOSE TO HAVE TO SPEND THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS OUT OF POCKET FOR A BIOLOGICAL OR ADOPTED CHILD.
No one here is saying cancer isn't a HORRIBLE disease...it is horrible. I couldn't imagine. I'm not going to pretend to imagine. BUT infertility IS A DISEASE TOO. Thats the whole freaking point of this point. Not to piss people off and say what im going through is any worse or any better than someone else. Have a disease that sucks so much energy out of you, sucks so much life out of you, sucks so much joy out of you, sucks so much money out of you-is not a CHOICE.
Thank you for sharing your emotions with me. Even though I lost my daughter at 24 weeks to stillbirth-she was my first experience of being pregnant and losing a child. We buried her. I've lost three more precious babies in the first trimester. I have days where my mind is flooded with overwhelming fear that even if we get pregnant with a baby who is genetically normal-so many other things can go wrong. There could be a heart defect, their could be anacephaly, there could be a blood clot, there could be another cord accident, there could be pre-term labor, there could be absolutely nothing wrong and one day the heart just stops beating.. Some days this fear is debilitating and all I do is cry and worry and want to not even take those risks and adopt a child instead. My mind just constantly goes back and forth between what I want, what I can handle, and what I fear.
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