Just what I needed

"God gives his hardest battles to his strongest Warriors."

"God has a plan, trust in the Lord."

"God has a reason for everything."

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard these phrases I could quite possibly be a millionaire. And let me tell you, when someone loses a baby or a child-they don't want to hear these things. They are in a state of anger towards God. They don't understand how a God who is so great and powerful and miraculous could cause so much pain by taking away the one person is who made from their very own flesh and blood.

I honestly don't think that I have had so much anger towards anyone in my entire 27 years of life than I have had towards God. Take my first child, that was enough to feel like someone stabbed me in the heart. Take my second child, that was enough to feel like the knife was turned 10 times inside my heart. Take my third child, that was enough to feel like my heart was ripped right out of my chest and stomped on a million times. Take my fourth child, that was enough to make me feel like someone had pushed me from a high rise building and splattered my guts all over the concrete. And after all of that, I'm still supposed to trust God's plan for my life? The Enemy tells me I shouldn't...that all those great things about God are a lie. He's even told me God isn't real.

I don't know how I've done it. Sometimes I'm amazed at myself. The resilience that this life has taken to merely survive is exhausting. And to think, I'm more than surviving. I put my feet on the group every day and I know there will be at least one person every day that I will either have a positive impact on or I will help by showing compassion and concern for their situation.

As much as I've been angry at God-I know that he has been carrying me through this stormy life. I know that he has a purpose for all of this heartache. I know that he has been leading me my whole life, and has put me on this Earth for a distinct purpose. I know that God lives inside me, that he gives me the strength every day to do what I do.

I wrote last week about the church services I went to hoping to get a prophecy and being disappointed I did not get one. I was hoping to get a prophecy to not only let me know that God knows about the storms I've been through and to figure out if this next step we are taking is part of his plan or just part of OUR plan, but I wanted to know if I've been following his lead on the purpose of all of this mess. I wanted to know if he knows about the support group that I lead and if the support group was part of his plan. I wanted to know if he knows about how open I am with sharing our story and if that is a part of his plan. I wanted to know if he knows about the Baby Quest Foundation fundraiser that I am organizing to help other couples where I live with financial assistance for their infertility treatments and wondered if this was a part of his plan too. I wanted to know if he created me to be a social worker. I wanted to know if he made me exactly the way I am, because I couldn't imagine being anyone else. I couldn't imagine my life without the desire to help other people or without being an inspiration to other people. I wanted to know that he knows who I am and I wanted to hear that, yes, he was the one leading me to do all these things.

I decided throughout last week that I wanted to go to the Sunday service because I needed to get myself back in church. Maybe it would help? What could it hurt? So, I went to church on Sunday and I am so glad that I did! It was just what I needed. The service was about listening to God and understanding his purpose for our life. I felt like it was the answer to all those questions I had the weekend before. I don't need a prophet to tell me my purpose in life....I've been listening to God every step of the way since I was a little girl. When I've felt called to do something-I've always done it. I don't make excuses about why I can't do things or don't want to do things. It is God that gives me the resources I've needed to complete the tasks he has called me for.

This song was played at the end of the service and I was in tears the whole song. It was perfect for my journey.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6d4Nenj13sA&list=PL6F11032E22935F4E

Following the service my friend asked if she could have her pastor and his wife pray over me. Absolutely. I've never had anyone pray over me like that. Never. Even when I've gone to church in the past, I've always been too scared to ask a pastor to pray over me. I can guarantee that was the Enemy telling me it wouldn't help or making me feel uncomfortable with people praying over me. I was able to share with the pastor and his wife my deepest fear-that my body won't be able to carry even a healthy baby and that we will lose another baby. They prayed over me for a healthy pregnancy and healing within my body. It was helpful for me for many reasons, but most importantly it was a giant leap in building a stronger relationship with God.

I am going to continue to go to church and hope that eventually my husband will be willing to come with me. He has verbalized his anger towards God many times, especially within the past year. I know he needs this as much as I do. For right now, I will continue to remember that God is working on me and he's not done yet. I will remember that whatever the ending to our story, it's going to be beautiful and full of light!