I was invited to church by two of my college friends this past weekend. Their church was having a world famous prophet come to deliver prophecies to their congregation and my friends immediately thought I needed to be there. They told me the prophet has a reputation of healing women with infertility issues. I thought, what do I have to lose, so I decided to go.
I walked into the church on Saturday and sat down as I waited for my two friends to arrive. While I was sitting there staring at the cross in front of me I began crying. I felt such a heavy burden on my chest that I try so hard to mask in my every day life by being a support for other people. I forgot what it felt like to go to church. I hadn't been to church, other than our wedding or baptisms and Christmas, for years. I listen to my christian radio stations in my car to and from work and that's about the extent of my relationship with God lately. I've been so angry at him that we didn't even get out of bed to go to church on Easter this year. Then there are other times I'm so numb that I forget how angry I still am.
As I was sitting there in that church, I experienced so many emotions. Disappointment, in myself for putting up a wall between me and God thinking it would protect me from thinking he would ever answer my prayers. Fear, about what the prophet might tell me about my past and my future. Worry, that I might not get a prophecy at all. Hopefulness, that the prophet will tell me exactly what God's Divine plan is so we can stop chasing paths that lead us to more storms. Deep heartache, a longing for my babies that I know will never go away.
When my friends joined me in my row and the row behind me, and when the worship music began, I found myself feeling at home. It felt like maybe this has been the missing piece in my life. I remembered how good I felt when I was going to church a couple years ago, except I felt more at ease because these were two of my closest friends in college that had invited me to this church-a church they have been going to for years. My friend's daughter remembered me from the pregnancy and infancy loss remembrance ceremony that I organized and they came to back in October to remember my friend's two babies she had miscarried. Her daughter was excited to see a visitor in their church and sat next to me most of the service.
Throughout the service with the prophet I kept praying he was going to be drawn to me. I kept praying he was going to give me hope in a brighter future and peace over the stormy past. I kept begging God in my mind, "give me a sign, please, just give me a sign that this is all going to be okay, that my babies are okay and that me and Alex are going to be okay." Many people got prophecies from the man that night, including someone that I knew had two miscarriages and is struggling to have her second child. He was spot on with her, it was quite amazing. I thought for sure after she had her prophecy given to her that I would get one to. But I never did. I was left feeling like God doesn't even know I exist.
After the service was over I was invited to dinner with my friends and some of their church friends. I tucked away my disappointment so I could enjoy the fellowship. It amazes me how children are always so drawn to me, yet I haven't received the one and only blessing I've been praying for the past couple years. My friend's daughter wanted me to sit right next to her during dinner. We played tic-tac-toe and colored a clown together. She talked my ear off and was just so dang cute. She's 4 years old...the same age that Braylen would be had he been born alive. The other kids at the table were very curious about me and asked all kinds of questions that were cute and innocent.
While I was disappointed in not getting a prophetic reading on Saturday night, I went to the service on Sunday morning hopeful that he would be drawn to me this time. There were no prophecies given on Sunday, just a 2 hour service about healing the heart and spirit. I related a lot to what the man was talking about, yet I felt it difficult to pray to God for healing when he asked the congregation to do so. I always have trouble praying, like that wall is blocking my prayers from getting to God. The most healing part about church on Sunday for me was one of my friend's taking me up to get communion for the first time in my life and praying over me as we took it.
Looking back over the weekend, I was surrounded by babies and children, and I loved every minute of it. On Saturday afternoon I stopped at a high school classmates house to pick up something and I held her 6 week old baby (about the age Audrey should be if she were born) for 40 minutes and enjoyed every second. On Sunday morning in church my other friend had her two children with her and I held and danced with her 9 month old baby (about the age Logan would be if he were born) during the worship service and felt so much peace during that time. On Sunday evening I went to my best friend's sister's house to pick up my bridesmaid dress and spent an hour playing with her twin boys. Being around children brings me the most joy to my heart.
I know that there will be a day when all this pain will be no more. I know there will be a day when I will be blessed with my own children (biological or adopted). I know there will be a day when I will embrace my babies in Heaven and will never have to let them go again. I don't know when any of these days are going to come, but there WILL be a day when they do. And when these days come, I won't remember the tears I've shed waiting for them. This song is a perfect reminder of how life can beat you down but there is a glorious reward waiting at the end.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAJTdfULsr4
For now, as I wait for the storm to pass over and the rainbow to appear, I will continue to adjust my sails to keep me balanced on this ocean that I am traveling on.
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