Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Blessing in Disguise

Do I believe everything happens for a reason? The answer is sometimes. Do I believe my babies died for a reason? Never in a Million Years. Let me give you one example of a bad situation that happened in my life that I do believe happened for a reason.

In September 2012 I started a new job as a case manager at an agency in Auglaize Co. I left my job of 4 years in Columbus with coworkers and clients I absolutely loved working with, along with ones I can say "not so much" as well. When I started my new job I really loved it. I took a pay cut to be able to move back to where Alex and I grew up and wanted to raise our family, but that was okay. I really liked my new coworkers and loved that I got to work in school doing suicide prevention screening. I even met new client families that I can so I grew very close with, and of course there were those that I can say "not so much."

At the end of October 2012 I was devastated that I had to have another emergency eye surgery. I was worried about not being out of my probationary period and not having any PTO time yet. However, the HR person was absolutely supportive of me and assured me I could take the time off that I needed without pay. This was a relief, and after 2 weeks of recovery, I went back to work without being completely healed because I couldn't stand sitting around at home.

Just a few weeks later we found out we were expecting a baby. I told my supervisor right away so she knew in case anything went wrong. She seemed happy for us. I scheduled most of my doctors appointments on my day off or I would switch my day off to a different day of the week to be able to make it to appointments if I couldn't get them scheduled on the day I was already scheduled off work. I was work 4 10hr shifts instead of 5 8hr shifts. The 10hr days were sometimes hard to get through between how tired I always felt and the nausea all day long.

The day we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat I sent my supervisor a text message telling her what happened. By her response I felt like I had no choice but to be at work the next day since the d&c wasn't scheduled yet. It was horrible-driving alone for 2 hours that night to go from our home in Columbus, where my husband had to stay for work, to my parents house where I stayed during the week for work. That next day at work was agonizing-my coworkers all knew I was pregnant for one, and for two I couldn't focus on anything besides the fact that my baby was dead inside me. I was more than annoyed by the parents I worked with who talked about how their teenage kids wouldn't listen to them or follow rules. I honestly wanted to walk out of my appointments, but I didn't-I tried to be as professional and sympathetic as I could even though I was not sympathetic at all. I would give anything to be able to give my babies back and for them to grow up to be mouthy teenagers.

I worked three days before my d&c was scheduled. I went back to work 3 days after my d&c, only taking the weekend and my normal day off to recover emotionally. I was so embarrassed to be at work. My coworkers knew I had a miscarriage but no one said a word to me to even express sympathy. When I had supervision and I tried to express how I felt, it just made me more angry because of the unhelpful advise my supervisor gave me..like "you're still young-you will have more kids" just to give one example. For anyone reading this-just so you know, that is NOT good or comforting to say to anyone who has lost a baby. I remember times when my whole body would start shaking uncontrollably while I was talking to her just trying to fight back my tears.

Two weeks after my miscarriage I got asked to take another position in the agency-a position with increased productivity requirements and increased therapeutic interventions. I was afraid to take the position because I knew emotionally I was not stable enough for it, but I said I would consider it. I asked if the position would come with any increase in pay since the responsibilities were increased and was told "no." I knew I ultimately wanted to be an outpatient counselor, and I had done home-based counseling in the past so I knew I could do it-but I wasn't willing to put more responsibilities on myself without any benefit to do so.

The following week I returned to work on February 12th only to be brought into a meeting with my supervisor and the director. I was informed that I was being "let go" from the agency. It blew my mind...how I could be asked to take a position with more responsibilities one week and let go the next. I felt like their explanations were BS really. Following my meeting I walked into another room with the HR lady to complete paperwork. She couldn't say anything to me but she had tears in her eyes and gave me many hugs as she helped me back my belongings in my car.

I sat in my car crying for about 30 minutes before I called my husband to tell him. He was beyond supportive and much more calm then I thought he was going to be. He helped me realize that we would be okay-that I needed time away from work to grieve and that there would be something out there better for me.

I was unemployed for three weeks before I started working at Miami Valley Hospital part-time and then a month later I was hired at Grandview Medical Center part-time also. Both jobs required a master's degree and compensated me for my level of education and experience. Instead of making $13 an hr, I was now making almost $20. Plus, many weeks I picked up hours and ended up working overtime which I never would have gotten at my previous job even if I worked more than 40 hrs because I was salaried.

When I interviewed at both jobs I was completely honest and told them upfront about our troubles with trying to start a family and that we were considering doing IVF. They STILL hired me. Literally, the day we found out we were pregnant again in September I told my supervisors at Grandview and they were over the moon with excitement for me. I emailed them with every update after each of my blood tests and doctors appointments. They were really rooting for us and our baby. The day we found out we miscarried again I was scheduled to work a 12 hr shift and was scheduled to work every day that week. I was not at all scared to call my supervisors and tell them I was not going to come in that day or the next so I could process what was going on. They were 100% supportive and told me "you are more important than this job-we will figure it out." What a relief to hear. It made me want to go back to work even though I knew there was a very good possibility I would miscarry while I was working.

Because I was trying to avoid a d&c, this last miscarriage drug on for several weeks. I would have days with very heavy bleeding while I was working 12 hr shifts. My supervisors would call me to check on me and see if I was okay. They would tell me that if I ever needed to leave in the middle of my shift that I could without question and they would figure out coverage for me. It was amazing, the difference that I felt at this job during such a hard time. When I was forced to have a d&c and couldn't find someone available to work my shift-my supervisors pulled someone from the psych unit to cover the ED patients for me. In the midst of all of this going on with me-when I found out they were adding a full time position at Grandview I knew I wanted the position and was granted it without hesitation from my supervisors. Just 3 days after my d&c I started my full time position at Grandview and I quit my job at Miami Valley since I no longer had time for it.

Getting fired from my job a year ago really happened for a reason-it was a blessing in disguise. I've never been happier to work anywhere than I am to be working at Grandview Medical Center. My supervisors are supportive, my coworkers are easy to talk to about personal matters, and I love what I do. Going through my last miscarriage for 3 weeks, I never once was annoyed by a patient I was talking to. I actually felt more sympathy for me. Life can be so harsh sometimes and it's completely normal to at times feel like you wish you were dead. I can empathize with those feelings. It breaks my heart that some people can't find a way to get their mind off those thoughts and actually try to kill themselves. I know this is the job that I am meant to have at this time in my life, because I am very good at it. I have patients thank me, I have patients grab my hand and tell me how much I've helped them, and I have patients who tell me they feel much better just after talking through their feelings with me.

Going through IVF now is the right time for us. I'm working in the right place, with the right benefits, and the right people by myself to help me through!

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