I am a Mother, Not yet a Parent

For years I have felt like I have had to defend myself, that I am a Mother despite not having my children walk this Earth with me. Every Mother's Day felt like I was the one over-looked, because my children are not visible to others. I have literally felt invisible to my family and friends on the day that Mothers are to be celebrated and appreciated for what they have done for their children.

Many people do not know that Mother's Day was created by a woman to honor her own mother who had lost 7 babies. It was created to recognize the struggles that this woman went through to have her daughter and to acknowledge the emotional pain of being a mother to children who are carried in a woman's heart rather her arms. Corporate companies turned this day into a nationally recognized day for Mother's, but failed to keep the integrity of this day as it was intended to me. There became such a hype to celebrate Mother's who are able to raise their children, while forgetting about the thousands of women who are hurting because one or more of their children live in Heaven.

A friend of mine shared this powerful poem yesterday and I thought it was worthy of sharing.

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven,
and though it must appear

A rather strange idea,
I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit,
your stores to find a card

A card of love for my mother,
as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,
every card you could imagine

Except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside

I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know

That though I live in heaven now,
I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,

Memories our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.

She writes poems to honor me,
sometimes far into the night

She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells

She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth

I must find a way,
to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored,
and remembered too

Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you'll do your best

I have done all I can do;
to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me

Until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity.

Happy Mother's Day From Heaven

I have thought about sending a letter to Hallmark or big card maker companies myself, because I have been upset that there is a clear lack of acknowledgement about the loss of a baby or child. Just the other week I was looking at cards and saw in the Sympathy section cards that were labeled "Loss of Parent," "Loss of Grandparent," and even "Loss of Pet," but none for "Loss of Child." It made me feel discriminated again, in a way. It also made me sad that I cannot be blind to the fact that babies and children die all the time but angry that these big companies are still walking around blindly to this fact. It just would be nice if there were cards specific to the loss of a child, or like this poem above talks about-acknowledging the wonderful and beautiful mother's who do not have the privilege of spending Mother's Day with their deceased children but who continue to love them unconditionally and more abundantly every day just as they would if their children were here.

While I was dreading Mother's Day this year, knowing that I should be giving birth to our daughter, Audrey, the day before, and knowing I have three other angels that I cannot spend the day with, this Mother's Day was different for me. It still carried the same amount of sadness as the six Mother's Days before this one, but there was one thing that made a difference for me. On Saturday my amazing sister asked my husband to take me to the cemetery where our first daughter is buried and told him that she had something waiting out there for me. My husband didn't know what it was and wouldn't tell me what my sister was trying to coordinate with him. When we got to the cemetery there was a bouquet of flowers and a card waiting on me on Riley's tombstone.

The card reads:

Mom,

Be happy today, because you've made others happy so often. Be happy, because you're the kind of women people love and respect and because your family adores you. Be happy, because Mother's Day was meant for moms like you.

Whereever today takes you, Mom...hope it finds you happy and content in knowing how very much you're loved by your lucky, grateful family.

Happy Mother's Day

From All of Us

Love,
Your Angel Babies

My sister wrote the following message inside: I never want you to forget that Mother's Day is your special day as well. I'm sure it doesn't feel the same, or like it should, but you're one of the most special mommies out there! I know your precious babies are looking down on you every day, thinking Wow! I have the best mommy ever! I only hope that soon enough you will reach the light at the end of the tunnel. You're truly one of the strongest and determined woman I know. Happy Mother's Day! Love-Ashley

Needless to say, I cried when I read the card. Needless to say, I have the best sister I could ever ask for. I thank God for her every day and would be totally lost without her.

Another friend sent me a card, and to my surprise, a donation to our "Rainbow Baby Fund."

I even had several people send me messages saying they were thinking about me and wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. I really cannot thank you all enough for making this past weekend gentle on me. Knowing that I was thought about and recognized as a Mother was the greatest gift I could have been given.

This year I have been able to accept that I am a Mother, but not YET a Parent. It is a parent that I WANT to be, not a Mother-because I already am one. So when I hear people tell me I will make a wonderful Mother "one day," I will kindly remind them that I have been a wonderful Mother for 6 years, but I know I will be a wonderful Parent one day too.