The Best, yet Worst, part of Pregnancy

Ever since losing Riley at 24 weeks, my biggest fear has been that my body just isn't capable of carrying a baby to term.  After having three miscarriages following Riley's death, it just exacerbated those fears even more.  But doctors were convinced it was just my poor egg quality that was to blame for our recurrent loss.  We thought for sure since all my ultrasounds showed tons of eggs inside my two ovaries that IVF with pre-implantation genetic screening would surely work for us if egg quality was the case and all we had to do was find one normal egg.  But it didn't work and sucked all the confidence that I had in my reproductive system right out of me.  Every last egg they got was tainted with some form of abnormality. 

So when we were contemplating our next steps for building our family after our failed IVF cycle, it was hard to imagine that anything would actually work for us.  I had a friend who was pregnant and kept telling me she would gladly carry our baby for us-but that meant we would have to wait so many months past her due date and come up with several more thousands of dollars, and we obviously couldn't use my eggs because they down right suck.  My sister offered us her eggs but definitely did not want to carry for us so that meant I had to try to carry again myself or take my friend up on her offer of being our surrogate.  After finding Dr. Braverman and coming up with a game plan for treating the issues that we thought were impacting my ability to carry our babies all along and deciding to use donor eggs from my healthy 23 year old sister who already had a healthy 4 year old child and was in no rush to have more children of her own and who did not carry the chromosome issue that my eggs carry, we felt like we were on the right path and regained some confidence in my uterus to do the job it was intended to do when God made me a female instead of a male like my parents were told I would be until the day I was born. 

This pregnancy has been full of anxiety from the very beginning.  At first I was terrified that I would miscarry every time I saw a drop of blood on the toilet paper when I wiped and every time I would be doubled over in pain from cramping.  But this little nugget proved to be a fighter just like it's momma and has hung on for dear life.  I started feeling more and more confident with every ultrasound where we heard glowing reviews on how Baby M was doing in there.  And then we hit 20 weeks and found out the cord is not attached in the proper place of the placenta.  Anxiety began taking over again and filling my head with thoughts of having to bury another baby.  Dr. Google only made my anxiety worse after reading how rare umbilical cord insertions really are and the risks associated with them.  Yet stories from other mom's whose babies had cord insertions brought me some hope and made me feel like it's going to be alright.

But you know what, we never know that things will be alright.  We can never be too certain or confident that things will just work out for us.  All my adult life I have been plagued with horrible luck.  Things have not worked out for me...for us.  I always seem to have something "rare" going on with me.  I'm kinda sick of being rare.  I'd really love to just be normal for once.  I'm absolutely terrified that our bad luck streak is going to continue.

 The only reassurance that I have right now are the moments when I can feel Baby M kicking.  Most mom's would say this is the best part of being pregnant...and they are probably right.  It's amazing to think that there is a little human growing inside of me, and it brings me such happiness when I can feel that the baby is actually there.  But the moments of stillness paralyze me with fear.  Logically I know that the baby isn't going to kick all the time, yet when I can't feel any kicking my mind instantly remembers the day that Riley stopped kicking and I ignored my gut feeling that something was wrong.  All I can say is thank God for the fetal doppler to calm my worries during these moments when Baby M is just trying to relax, or sleep, or whatever he or she is doing in there.  I used to use the doppler once a week just for the fun of it because I love hearing the sound of our baby's heart beating.  Now it's getting used every two days for reassurance when I need it.  And I'm sure it's going to be this way for the remainder of this pregnancy.  As long as I can feel kicking or hear the heart beating, I will know all is well in there. 

 

We are approaching 22 weeks and are just one week away from our next ultrasound.  I got to speak to my OB on the phone on Friday and she changed my ultrasound to Tuesday morning so I could see her instead of the nurse practitioner since she knows how anxious I've been these last two weeks.  She also discussed the cord issue with me to help me understand it a bit more.  Now I know that it's called a Marginal Cord Insertion which is rare but not as rare as the other form of insertion, Velamentous.  She also informed me the cord is underneath the placenta right over the cervix so if my water happens to break we need to get to the hospital ASAP because it is too dangerous to deliver vaginally.  I told her at this point I'm 100% okay with having a c-section because I just want the baby out safely and she told me that I have the right attitude about everything that is going on.   She will be sending me to a high risk specialist for an ultrasound and a second opinion on the cord/placenta issues and just to make sure all our ducks are in a row.  We will continue ultrasounds every 3 weeks until 32 weeks. Once we hit 32 weeks we will be doing non-stress tests twice a week and an ultrasound every week to monitor the baby's movement, growth, and my fluid levels.  If need be, the baby will be coming out early which I am so glad to hear! I think we have a great game plan moving forward and I have all the confidence in the world in my medical team to make sure our baby is born alive and healthy.  But like my doctor told me, we are all going to hold our breaths and keep praying until that day happens.  The anxiety is just going to be there and I'm just going to have to keep working through it like I always have.