You Make Me Brave

It 3:52am on Sunday morning in Ohio as I start typing today's post.  I am at work and struggling to keep myself awake for another 5 hours before I get to lay my head on my pillow.  Its been a long time since I picked up overtime let alone a third shift.  I try not to work Saturday nights anymore because it prevents me from going to church on Sundays which I've enjoyed doing since I started going back to church last summer. 

Since I will miss out on worship service today, I decided to do a little bit of my own worship service in my office. I started thinking about a song that I recently started hearing on the radio and that has quickly become one of my favorite songs-You Make Me Brave by Bethel. This song has entered my life at such a pivotal time frame.  A time when fear could overtake me. A time when the words of the Devil could flood my mind.  A time when I could easily forget about God and what he has done for us and will continue to do for us. 

I watched a video tonight by the writer of this song about the meaning behind the song.  She explained that she woke up one day with the realization that she did not have to be afraid because God is by her side and is helping her through every storm that she has ever been through and will ever go through.  And that is exactly how I feel about this song.  Looking back at the storms I've been through, as angry as I would get with God, I couldn't have endured the crashing waves without him holding my head above the water. I wouldn't have been able to find a life boat. And I wouldn't have been able to float back to shore.

I think about the fear that I've had the past three and ahalf weeks of this pregnancy.  It's only natural to have fear when your a pregnancy after loss mom, especially when approaching the weeks where your angel babies were taken from you.  And it's even more natural to be afraid when you learn something isn't the way it's supposed to be during what is supposed to be your Rainbow Pregnancy.  So considering my first and furthest loss was 24 weeks due to a cord issue and we found out a little over three weeks ago that we have a cord issue that can cause growth problems and stillbirth, I was very anxious about the possibility of losing another baby.  But this song has reminded me that God is with us every step of the way, and he is making me brave and helping me face my fears.

I sit here and can feel Baby M kicking away as I type.  There has been a peace that has come over me this week even though we have not made it to 24 weeks yet.  We are a few more days away from that milestone.  And even though I had a terrible dream Friday morning about our baby dying, I knew the dream was ridiculous and did not let it put me in a funk...maybe because the baby I delivered in my dream had a bunch of tentacles instead of legs or maybe because my eye doctor was the one who delivered the baby in my dream instead of my OB? Or maybe just because I believe that Baby M is growing perfectly and has God's protection surrounding him or her. 

For anyone going through a storm right now, for anyone buried in fear, and for anyone who is pregnant again after loss-I hope these lyrics resonate with you the way they have with me.  You are one brave soul-and you will get through this too. 

Here is the link to the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGvqcjIZKTA