Yesterday I shared this article by the Huffington Post on how pregnancy after a miscarriage is different on my personal Facebook timeline. I think anyone who has lost a baby during pregnancy can attest to how different being pregnant after loss is. It is a time full of fears and mistrust in your body. It is a time when you want to rejoice but your afraid to get to excited or too hopeful. It is when you struggle between having both positive and negative thoughts about what is going to happen to your baby. You can read the article here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/meredith-hale/pregnancy-after-a-miscarriage-is-different_b_5974856.html
I don't expect people who have had perfect pregnancies or even troubled pregnancies but without loss to comprehend the state of mind of a mother who is pregnant after loss. They couldn't comprehend it. In there world-everything worked out just the way it was supposed to. Those of us who have experienced the death of our children-we don't live in that world and we never will to be quite honest. I personally have never experienced anything good come out of any of my pregnancies. I personally have experienced the stillbirth of our daughter and three first trimester miscarriages after that. With every loss the situation was different. It never happened the same way so I personally can never predict when I can let my guard down. And that sucks. It really really sucks.
I feel like my emotions have been everywhere. I want to be happy. Last week I was ecstatic. My HCG rose from 136 on Wednesday to 389 on Friday...almost tripling when it only needed to double. I had no real worries over the weekend, even with some cramping that I had on Saturday. I assumed it was still my body dealing with the stomach bug, which I fully believe now is the reason I vomited on Wednesday morning last week. Monday was still a good day...I took a generic pregnancy test in the morning, one that I used last week and could barely see a second line, and was thrilled to see the test line a bright blue color that was far brighter than the control line. Then Tuesday I decided to take a Clear Blue Digital Weeks Estimator test and since then I've been worried and feeling like something isn't going the way it should. According to some information on the Internet, the weeks estimator should read 3+ when HCG is 2,000 or higher. If my HCG continued to rise the way it was last week, it would have been over 2,000 yesterday. So I took the test, hoping to see 3+ weeks but it still read 2-3 weeks. I was a little bummed...but still thought okay...if my level is doubling then it would only be around 1600 and that's still good. But when I got home from work last night and went to the bathroom and saw some red blood, I got worried. Really worried. It wasn't a lot of blood, but it was red, and I know red blood is not good to have. So to try to relax my mind I went to the couch and watched The Voice results show and the Pretty Little Liars Christmas special. When that was over I took another weeks estimator test to make sure it didn't say 1-2 weeks which would have indicated my levels were dropping and I was going to miscarry. It didn't. It still said 2-3 weeks. So with that I got ready for bed, put my rainbow socks on, and did some more research on those silly weeks estimator tests.
Why did I put my rainbow socks on? Well because they have brought us good luck so far. I wore them to my sister's egg retrieval, to our embryo transfer, and both of my blood draws to have my HCG checked. I thought if I wore them to bed and to my blood draw today that they would bring us good luck with our HCG results today. Sounds silly...but I guess I'm kinda superstitious. Plus they are really comfy to wear.
My research on the weeks estimators gave me a little more comfort too. People were saying that their test was showing 2-3 weeks but their blood HCG came back over 4,000. So that made me feel better. And with that I fell asleep praying our HCG today would be at least 3,000 and that I would not have any more red blood in the morning. When I woke up this morning I had no more red blood! It turned brown (gross, I know)...but brown is okay. That just means it's old blood and a little spotting is okay in early pregnancy too. Shewww!
As far as my HCG today, the nurse called about 3 hours ago to tell me it came back at 2035. The number was disappointing to me to be honest. That means since Friday, the level has not quite doubled every day and that makes me super scared that we could miscarry. The nurse said it was still an appropriate level for being 5 weeks pregnant, and with my progesterone at 51.6 today they were confident that things were okay right now. A few minutes later the nurse called me back to reassure me that my level is perfectly normal today and that she realized she did not tell me that it really just needs to double every 2 days based upon the initial level, which was 136, so today as long as my level was at least 1642 they would have considered it to be normal. She got me teary eyed when I told her thank you for calling me back and telling me that because I'm really struggling right now to trust in my body and she responded by saying "I know it's hard when all it's done is fail you." She gets it. She definitely gets it. And that makes me feel better to have such a supportive nurse who doesn't look at me as being annoying because I worry too much.
Friday at 9:30am is my first ultrasound. I will be going at it alone because my husband has to work and I have to go to work right afterwards. This initial ultrasound is just to make sure the sac is in the uterus and not my tubes and to count how many sacs there are. The one thing I am confident about is that the sac will be in my uterus. I have no doubt about that at all. I fully believe there will be just one sac and that we are not pregnant with twins. I am okay with that though. I need to see my body succeed at carrying one baby before I can be confident that my body will be able to carry twins. But if there are twins...I will be happy with that too and will know how truly blessed we are this Christmas.
Praying everyone who is pregnant after losing a baby will find their inner strength and peace to be able to trust in their bodies to bring them their healthy rainbow baby. I am going to recite this affirmation over and over until I feel the peace that I need.
3 comments:
I too struggle to know everything is okay and that my body will carry a baby to term. I am 3 times more pregnant than I have ever been with my other losses, but it doesn't reassure me. I'm so glad you have a great nurse that understands. My last dr appointment I went alone because Craigory was sick. I wasn't expecting that. I was 11 wks and the dr couldn't hear the baby on the doppler. I knew it was probably because I was just fat around the middle, but since it was the day before Thanksgiving the ultrasound tech was on vacation. He then said how many miscarriages have you had? I said 3 and he said I can't let you go this holiday weekend without knowing everything is okay with baby so I'm arranging for you to go to a place that can do one for you today. I cried when I saw my baby. My baby was moving all around and heartbeat was normal and everything was fine. I finally felt like my dr gets it. I knew he was the right choice, but with my history I doubt every choice I make. I cried and cried and cried on the way to my car with 6 pics of baby in my hand. I cried on the way home. I cried all day long. I hope your first scan goes well. Always in my thoughts. Keep growing little baby/babies.
So happy for you... but you should stop taking pregnancy tests! I had positive pregnancy tests during and after all 3 of my miscarriages . The tests were positive for 2 months after it was all over. I'm not trying to scare you but you could save yourself some money!
So, so sorry for the spotting, but so happy that it stopped at that. And that your hcg numbers are doing great.
As for how this all relates to a rainbow pregnancy, you're right. There are fears and worries throughout the entire pregnancy, and beyond. The key is to figure out how to balance the fear and joy.
Post a Comment