Facing my Fears

On February 27th, 2008 I went to the emergency room after not feeling Riley kicking me for the past 2-3 days.  I honestly thought I would go in, have an ultrasound, and would be told she was fine and would get sent on my way so I could go to school and take a test I needed to take that day.  The ER sent me to the Maternity Unit because I was 24 weeks pregnant and after 20 weeks the ER does not handle pregnancy complications.  So I went to the Maternity Unit and the nurse used the doppler first to try to find Riley's heartbeat.  She picked up a heartbeat, but she was sure it was mine.  She wanted to do an ultrasound next, but I knew what was going to happen so I made her wait until Alex could get to the hospital to be with me.  I didn't want to be alone when they told me our daughter's heart had stopped beating.

From that moment on, ultrasounds have terrified me.  I've never had to be alone during either of the times I've been told our babies hearts have stopped beating or the time I was told they could not see a baby in the sac.  I've never had to be alone during the birth of our daughter or my two D&C's.  I was only ever alone when I miscarried my second baby while going to the bathroom at church...and that was the most lonely feeling in the world. I am so fortunate to have my husband, who has been there throughout all of this with me. Who has held my hand and cried with me after each time the doctors have said "there is no heartbeat," "you have two choices-miscarry naturally or a D&C," "we should be able to see the baby by now." My biggest fear is hearing those words while I am all alone with no hand to hold and no one to cry with. 

So today was a big task for the both of us.  Today I went to my ultrasound alone because Alex had to work and wasn't able to get off for my appointment.  Today I had to gain courage from a place where I was afraid.  I had to face my fears today.

As I waited on my doctor to come in to the room, I sat with my lucky rainbow socks on my feet and paper drape over my bottom half, and I prayed that the Lord would continue to bless us and show us his faithfulness and would continue to protect both me and the baby growing in me. 

And the Lord answered my prayers.  Our baby is growing beautifully.  Still measuring on the small side at 7 weeks 2 days, three days behind still....but has grown as expected from last week. The great news from today is that Baby Monnier's heart rate was 156 beats per minute! Thank you Jesus:) Here is a picture of our growing Baby M:

I will post the heartbeat video to our personal page again:

https://www.facebook.com/#!/alexandlindsaysbabyquest

I sent Alex, my mom, and my sister (our egg donor) an update as soon as the doctor left the room.  My husband said his heart was probably beating faster than the baby's as he waited for the update.  He also told me he hates not being able to be at these type of appointments with me.  I know today he faced one of his fears too....sending me to the ultrasound alone because he worries about me having to drive myself if I were to get the heartbreaking news we've heard so many times before. 

My doctor said we could continue weekly ultrasounds.  But she also told me these are just to "make me feel better."  And since Alex wouldn't be able to come next week either if I had another ultrasound next week, I asked if we could make the next one 2 weeks from today.  So January 12th will be the next time we get to see our baby again. 

Everything else continues as is.  Daily Lovenox injections, 2 Progesterone injections in the morning, Prednisone twice a day, Intralipid Infusions every other week, and all my daily dose of vitamins, Metformin, and Synthroid.  The only thing that will change is starting January 3rd I will start titrating off of the Estrace (estrogen pills) and a week later won't be taking them at all.  I will most likely be released from my fertility doctor after the next ultrasound and finally get to meet with my regular OB on January 20th.  I will be glad to get rid of these 2 hour drives and will be happy to transition to regular prenatal care, although my OB will be treating me like a high risk patient due to my other medical issues. 

As we make our way out of 2014 and into 2015, I am hopeful that our Rainbow Baby is on his or her way into our arms.  2014 has been a stressful year to say that least with 2 IVF cycles and $40,000+ spent on trying to get pregnant with a healthy baby that has as better chance at survival than the babies we have conceived naturally.  2014 has also brought me new friendships that I would have never made had we not been on this specific journey to parenthood, and has brought me back to church where I have regained my faith in God and trust in the promises he made for our lives.  So with every bad experience comes something positive too.  However....I am looking forward to the blessings that 2015 has in the works for us!

For everyone struggling to believe that 2015 will be their year, I understand. However, with the faith of a mustard seed...nothing is impossible!