Over the weekend I woke up Friday night and Saturday night with some severe cramping in the middle of the night. Both nights it was only during the first bathroom break and never again during my other middle-of-the-night bathroom breaks. It was strange but didn't think much of it. Saturday night my brain must have been on severe overload. I remember having the strangest dreams. One dream particularly stood out because it was about our baby. During this dream my husband and I were at our fertility clinic and the nurse was telling us that they retrieved 83 eggs from my sister but only 3 of them fertilized. I started questioning my husband and the nurses why we did another egg retrieval with my sister and was told that our baby had no heartbeat when we had our ultrasound so I had to have a D&C and then we transferred the three frozen embryos we had and none of them implanted so my husband had to force my sister into donating her eggs to us again and now she is no longer talking to us. I started screaming and yelling at my husband and the nurse in my dream, about how I couldn't remember any of that happening, and how my husband knew that I never wanted to try to carry a baby ever again if we lost this one, and how we should have tried to use a surrogate for the three frozen embryos we had left, and how I never wanted to do any more fertility treatments and wanted to adopt if the surrogate didn't work out, and how he ruined my relationship with my sister. The dream ended when my husband told the nurse to cancel the cycle and forget about the three newly fertilized eggs we had in the lab. The dream was bizarre, but what I got out of the whole thing was that we lost this baby that I'm carrying now, and it scared me because I've had dreams in the past about having miscarriages and even dreamt we found out our baby had Down Syndrome when I was 6 weeks pregnant and those dreams always ended up becoming our reality. Do I have a 6th sense? I'm not sure. But it's pretty strange that I knew our baby had Down Syndrome before ever knowing I had the translocated chromosome and before genetic testing came back on our baby that he did have Down Syndrome. And it's pretty strange that I've had dreams about miscarrying our babies and they die inside me around the same time of my dreams or shortly after. So yeah....I was worried I was going to cause our baby to die inside me before our next ultrasound because I had a dream about miscarrying again. But then again, I also had dreams after that about being in a motorcycle gang and having a massive shoot out between my gang and another gang, and after that I had a dream about taking my niece dress shopping for her school dance. It was a very weird night inside my head.
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Sunday morning I went to church and felt some peace come over me...that it was just a silly dream and everything is going to be fine this time. I took my last pregnancy test when I got home from church just to make sure the weeks estimator said 3+ weeks (since it still said 2-3 weeks on Thursday) and it did, which really made me jump for joy. I spent the rest of the day cleaning our bathroom and putting up our new Christmas tree. Throughout the evening I had some more cramping but it quickly came and went. So no big deal. Monday morning at 4:30am I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom after I could feel myself bleeding. It was dripping out of me. Bright red blood that was flowing like the start of a menstrual cycle. As I was wiping the blood kept coming out and I sat alone in the bathroom saying "Oh my God, Please no. Please no." I was terrified that I was losing our baby. I was terrified that the dream I had the night before did this. I was terrified that I caused this to happen because I dyed my hair Saturday afternoon and was using strong cleaning supplies to clean our bathroom on Sunday. When I went back to the bedroom my husband woke up and asked me what was wrong. I told him and for the first time he looked worried too. I immediately emailed the nurses at our fertility clinic and asked if they would call me as soon as they came in to the office and asked if the doctor would let me get my HCG checked that morning to see what was going on. After sending the email I text my mom who thankfully works third shift and she finally convinced me to go back to sleep. Before falling asleep I began profusely praying to God that he would stop the bleeding and allow us to keep this baby and would help me protect this baby and guide us as we raise this baby. I fell asleep with my legs crossed, hoping that would keep the blood in or make it stop or something. When I got back up at 7:30am to get my Progesterone injections from my husband, the bleeding had decreased and was starting to turn from red to brown-that was a good sign. I went back to sleep and woke up at 9:30am to a voicemail from our fertility nurse asking me to be at the office by 10:30am for an emergency ultrasound. There was no way I was going to be able to make a 2 hour drive into an hour drive. I called her and I suggested that I have a physician in the ER that I work at do the ultrasound for me that day instead and she insisted that I didn't do that and scheduled me for an ultrasound with my doctor today at 9am. After getting off the phone with her I went to the bathroom and the bleeding had completely stopped! PRAISE YOU LORD!!!
The remaining of the day yesterday I was still anxious, but hopeful that everything was going to be okay after all. The bleeding stopped...and that's the good thing. But why is the bleeding getting more red and heavier each time I seem to be "spotting"? That was a question I was hoping I could get answered today. And I'm glad we decided not to have anyone at my job do the ultrasound because, to be honest, I wouldn't have wanted people that I work with putting a big probe up my vagina. That's a bit too personal for me!
Thankfully the dream and the bleeding were just false alarms. We got to see our baby snuggled into my uterus again. This time with a tiny flickering heartbeat!! We couldn't hear the heartbeat yet, but it was definitely reassuring to know the baby is doing just fine in there. The other small sac that the doctor saw on Friday is no longer there. It's possible that's what was causing my cramping and bleeding...my body trying to rid of it. Or, the nurse said the baby could still be burrowing itself deeper into my uterine lining causing some capillaries to burst and my uterus to bleed. I apologized for being a hypochondriac and the nurse reassured me that I have every reason in the world to be as anxious as I am and that I am not being a nuisance to her! It's also been recommended that I stop taking Aspirin for the time being to see if that helps keep the bleeding to a minimum.
Hopefully this next week will be uneventful and I won't have any updates until our next ultrasound a week from today. For all those who like to follow my blog but miss some of my updates because their newsfeed doesn't always show them, you can subscribe to my blog by going to the home page and submitting your email address in the email bar at the top of the page. You'll get an email every time I submit a new post. My thoughts and prayers are with all of your who are riding this crazy emotional roller coaster of pregnancy after loss and/or infertility too!
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