Facing my Fears

On February 27th, 2008 I went to the emergency room after not feeling Riley kicking me for the past 2-3 days.  I honestly thought I would go in, have an ultrasound, and would be told she was fine and would get sent on my way so I could go to school and take a test I needed to take that day.  The ER sent me to the Maternity Unit because I was 24 weeks pregnant and after 20 weeks the ER does not handle pregnancy complications.  So I went to the Maternity Unit and the nurse used the doppler first to try to find Riley's heartbeat.  She picked up a heartbeat, but she was sure it was mine.  She wanted to do an ultrasound next, but I knew what was going to happen so I made her wait until Alex could get to the hospital to be with me.  I didn't want to be alone when they told me our daughter's heart had stopped beating.

From that moment on, ultrasounds have terrified me.  I've never had to be alone during either of the times I've been told our babies hearts have stopped beating or the time I was told they could not see a baby in the sac.  I've never had to be alone during the birth of our daughter or my two D&C's.  I was only ever alone when I miscarried my second baby while going to the bathroom at church...and that was the most lonely feeling in the world. I am so fortunate to have my husband, who has been there throughout all of this with me. Who has held my hand and cried with me after each time the doctors have said "there is no heartbeat," "you have two choices-miscarry naturally or a D&C," "we should be able to see the baby by now." My biggest fear is hearing those words while I am all alone with no hand to hold and no one to cry with. 

So today was a big task for the both of us.  Today I went to my ultrasound alone because Alex had to work and wasn't able to get off for my appointment.  Today I had to gain courage from a place where I was afraid.  I had to face my fears today.

As I waited on my doctor to come in to the room, I sat with my lucky rainbow socks on my feet and paper drape over my bottom half, and I prayed that the Lord would continue to bless us and show us his faithfulness and would continue to protect both me and the baby growing in me. 

And the Lord answered my prayers.  Our baby is growing beautifully.  Still measuring on the small side at 7 weeks 2 days, three days behind still....but has grown as expected from last week. The great news from today is that Baby Monnier's heart rate was 156 beats per minute! Thank you Jesus:) Here is a picture of our growing Baby M:

I will post the heartbeat video to our personal page again:

https://www.facebook.com/#!/alexandlindsaysbabyquest

I sent Alex, my mom, and my sister (our egg donor) an update as soon as the doctor left the room.  My husband said his heart was probably beating faster than the baby's as he waited for the update.  He also told me he hates not being able to be at these type of appointments with me.  I know today he faced one of his fears too....sending me to the ultrasound alone because he worries about me having to drive myself if I were to get the heartbreaking news we've heard so many times before. 

My doctor said we could continue weekly ultrasounds.  But she also told me these are just to "make me feel better."  And since Alex wouldn't be able to come next week either if I had another ultrasound next week, I asked if we could make the next one 2 weeks from today.  So January 12th will be the next time we get to see our baby again. 

Everything else continues as is.  Daily Lovenox injections, 2 Progesterone injections in the morning, Prednisone twice a day, Intralipid Infusions every other week, and all my daily dose of vitamins, Metformin, and Synthroid.  The only thing that will change is starting January 3rd I will start titrating off of the Estrace (estrogen pills) and a week later won't be taking them at all.  I will most likely be released from my fertility doctor after the next ultrasound and finally get to meet with my regular OB on January 20th.  I will be glad to get rid of these 2 hour drives and will be happy to transition to regular prenatal care, although my OB will be treating me like a high risk patient due to my other medical issues. 

As we make our way out of 2014 and into 2015, I am hopeful that our Rainbow Baby is on his or her way into our arms.  2014 has been a stressful year to say that least with 2 IVF cycles and $40,000+ spent on trying to get pregnant with a healthy baby that has as better chance at survival than the babies we have conceived naturally.  2014 has also brought me new friendships that I would have never made had we not been on this specific journey to parenthood, and has brought me back to church where I have regained my faith in God and trust in the promises he made for our lives.  So with every bad experience comes something positive too.  However....I am looking forward to the blessings that 2015 has in the works for us!

For everyone struggling to believe that 2015 will be their year, I understand. However, with the faith of a mustard seed...nothing is impossible!

Miracle on Frankfort Street

 I said last week that I hoped the next week would be uneventful and I wouldn't have any updates to give until our next ultrasound which was scheduled for today.  Well...it was a very nice and uneventful week! I have had no more bleeding or miscarriage scares so far, so I have been able to relax a bit more as I patiently waited for today's ultrasound.  Baby Monnier finally gave mommy a break.

And today we were able to hear a heartbeat! Baby Monnier's heart is currently beating at 111 beats per minute:) He or She (I say he, my mother-in-law says she) is measuring a bit small right now at 6 weeks 3 days even though today I am 6 weeks 6 days pregnant.  Here is a picture of our little Christmas Miracle, the miracle on Frankfort Street this year!

 

 

Here is another view, with the heart rate shown at the bottom:

 

 

For a sneak peak video of Baby Monnier's Heart Beat, come visit our personal Facebook Page:

https://www.facebook.com/#!/alexandlindsaysbabyquest

 

I can't figure out how to convert the video so that it will upload properly to the blog. Sorry!!

 

 

Today we can say we have crossed another hurdle in this pregnancy.  We got to hear the heart beat.  We are doing better than two of our previous pregnancies so far (our second was a natural miscarriage at 7ish weeks prior to having any ultrasound and our fourth was a blighted ovum meaning we never got to see or hear a baby even during the 8th week of our pregnancy).  So I will take this as a win today.  I am still cautiously optimistic due to the growth being 3 days behind today.  But I am hoping our little miracle baby will have a growth spurt soon and will catch up to what he or she should be by our next ultrasound on Monday. 

 

Our fertility doctor said she normally discharges her patients to their regular OB once a heart beat is detected, but she will continue to monitor me closely until at least 10 weeks before she releases me due to my history of recurrent loss.  I feel like we are in real good hands between all the doctors we have working with us during this pregnancy.  Our next hurdle is to make it into the second trimester.  It's been 7 years since I have experienced the second trimester.  Other than our first daughter who I carried until 24 weeks before her heart stopped beating, the closest that I have come to the second trimester was baby # 3 whose heart stopped beating at 10 weeks 6 days...that was the last heartbeat we have heard until today, and that was 2 years ago. Please continue to pray for Baby Monnier's health and growth as we make our way through the first trimester!  

 

Pregnancy symptom wise, I've just had an increased need for sleep.  I'm tired...all the time! This is my normal pregnancy symptom that I've experienced with all 5 pregnancies. I've had slight nausea but nothing that eating or sniffing some peppermint essential oil doesn't cure:)  I've had to delete myself from one of the pregnancy Facebooks groups I was in because it seemed like constant complaining about pregnancy symptoms. Yes, pregnancy causes many uncomfortable symptoms but with those symptoms comes a huge blessing that should never be complained about.  I've been kinda (okay maybe really) moody towards my Husband this week and it is probably due to my hormones, but I won't ever use that as an excuse or complain that that's why I'm moody.  You take the good with the bad and be grateful for what you have because so many people struggle to become pregnancy and maintain being pregnant. My stomach is bruised from Lovenox shots and my hips are bruised from Progesterone shots-but every shot and ever bruise is worth it. 

 

 

We hope that all who are reading and following our journey to parenthood will have a very Merry Christmas enjoyed with family and friends!

 

God Bless,

 

The Monniers (Alex, Lindsay, Baby M, and our Angels in Heaven-Riley Grace, Braylen Jeremiah, Logan Kale, & Audrey Rayne). 

Another False Alarm

Have I mentioned that being pregnant after losing a baby, or four, is rough on the emotions?  It's like I'm riding this roller coaster that is fun and exciting one day and the next I feel like I am plummeting to my death with no lap bar on me to keep me inside the ride.  My body keeps giving me these false alarms and I feel like I may have a heart attack before this pregnancy is over if things keep up this way. 

Over the weekend I woke up Friday night and Saturday night with some severe cramping in the middle of the night.  Both nights it was only during the first bathroom break and never again during my other middle-of-the-night bathroom breaks. It was strange but didn't think much of it.  Saturday night my brain must have been on severe overload.  I remember having the strangest dreams.  One dream particularly stood out because it was about our baby.  During this dream my husband and I were at our fertility clinic and the nurse was telling us that they retrieved 83 eggs from my sister but only 3 of them fertilized.  I started questioning my husband and the nurses why we did another egg retrieval with my sister and was told that our baby had no heartbeat when we had our ultrasound so I had to have a D&C and then we transferred the three frozen embryos we had and none of them implanted so my husband had to force my sister into donating her eggs to us again and now she is no longer talking to us.  I started screaming and yelling at my husband and the nurse in my dream, about how I couldn't remember any of that happening, and how my husband knew that I never wanted to try to carry a baby ever again if we lost this one, and how we should have tried to use a surrogate for the three frozen embryos we had left, and how I never wanted to do any more fertility treatments and wanted to adopt if the surrogate didn't work out, and how he ruined my relationship with my sister.  The dream ended when my husband told the nurse to cancel the cycle and forget about the three newly fertilized eggs we had in the lab.  The dream was bizarre, but what I got out of the whole thing was that we lost this baby that I'm carrying now, and it scared me because I've had dreams in the past about having miscarriages and even dreamt we found out our baby had Down Syndrome when I was 6 weeks pregnant and those dreams always ended up becoming our reality.  Do I have a 6th sense? I'm not sure. But it's pretty strange that I knew our baby had Down Syndrome before ever knowing I had the translocated chromosome and before genetic testing came back on our baby that he did have Down Syndrome.  And it's pretty strange that I've had dreams about miscarrying our babies and they die inside me around the same time of my dreams or shortly after.  So yeah....I was worried I was going to cause our baby to die inside me before our next ultrasound because I had a dream about miscarrying again.  But then again, I also had dreams after that about being in a motorcycle gang and having a massive shoot out between my gang and another gang, and after that I had a dream about taking my niece dress shopping for her school dance.  It was a very weird night inside my head. 

Sunday morning I went to church and felt some peace come over me...that it was just a silly dream and everything is going to be fine this time.  I took my last pregnancy test when I got home from church just to make sure the weeks estimator said 3+ weeks (since it still said 2-3 weeks on Thursday) and it did, which really made me jump for joy.  I spent the rest of the day cleaning our bathroom and putting up our new Christmas tree.  Throughout the evening I had some more cramping but it quickly came and went.  So no big deal.

Monday morning at 4:30am I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom after I could feel myself bleeding.  It was dripping out of me. Bright red blood that was flowing like the start of a menstrual cycle.  As I was wiping the blood kept coming out and I sat alone in the bathroom saying "Oh my God, Please no. Please no."  I was terrified that I was losing our baby.  I was terrified that the dream I had the night before did this.  I was terrified that I caused this to happen because I dyed my hair Saturday afternoon and was using strong cleaning supplies to clean our bathroom on Sunday. When I went back to the bedroom my husband woke up and asked me what was wrong.  I told him and for the first time he looked worried too. I immediately emailed the nurses at our fertility clinic and asked if they would call me as soon as they came in to the office and asked if the doctor would let me get my HCG checked that morning to see what was going on.  After sending the email I text my mom who thankfully works third shift and she finally convinced me to go back to sleep.  Before falling asleep I began profusely praying to God that he would stop the bleeding and allow us to keep this baby and would help me protect this baby and guide us as we raise this baby.  I fell asleep with my legs crossed, hoping that would keep the blood in or make it stop or something.  When I got back up at 7:30am to get my Progesterone injections from my husband, the bleeding had decreased and was starting to turn from red to brown-that was a good sign.  I went back to sleep and woke up at 9:30am to a voicemail from our fertility nurse asking me to be at the office by 10:30am for an emergency ultrasound.  There was no way I was going to be able to make a 2 hour drive into an hour drive.  I called her and I suggested that I have a physician in the ER that I work at do the ultrasound for me that day instead and she insisted that I didn't do that and scheduled me for an ultrasound with my doctor today at 9am.  After getting off the phone with her I went to the bathroom and the bleeding had completely stopped! PRAISE YOU LORD!!!

The remaining of the day yesterday I was still anxious, but hopeful that everything was going to be okay after all.  The bleeding stopped...and that's the good thing.  But why is the bleeding getting more red and heavier each time I seem to be "spotting"? That was a question I was hoping I could get answered today.  And I'm glad we decided not to have anyone at my job do the ultrasound because, to be honest, I wouldn't have wanted people that I work with putting a big probe up my vagina. That's a bit too personal for me!

Thankfully the dream and the bleeding were just false alarms.  We got to see our baby snuggled into my uterus again.  This time with a tiny flickering heartbeat!! We couldn't hear the heartbeat yet, but it was definitely reassuring to know the baby is doing just fine in there.  The other small sac that the doctor saw on Friday is no longer there.  It's possible that's what was causing my cramping and bleeding...my body trying to rid of it.  Or, the nurse said the baby could still be burrowing itself deeper into my uterine lining causing some capillaries to burst and my uterus to bleed.  I apologized for being a hypochondriac and the nurse reassured me that I have every reason in the world to be as anxious as I am and that I am not being a nuisance to her! It's also been recommended that I stop taking Aspirin for the time being to see if that helps keep the bleeding to a minimum.

 

Tomorrow I will be 6 weeks pregnant!! We will continue to celebrate each week as another milestone in this pregnancy and continue to embrace our emotions on a day by day basis. I bought some "Anxiety Free" essential oil today and hope this is something that will calm me down quickly when my mind starts racing negative thoughts and images.   Our next ultrasound got moved from next Monday to next Tuesday.  We should be able to hear the heart beating at that ultrasound.  It will be the most magical Christmas gift we could ever receive, and all thanks to my sister!

Hopefully this next week will be uneventful and I won't have any updates until our next ultrasound a week from today.  For all those who like to follow my blog but miss some of my updates because their newsfeed doesn't always show them, you can subscribe to my blog by going to the home page and submitting your email address in the email bar at the top of the page.  You'll get an email every time I submit a new post.  My thoughts and prayers are with all of your who are riding this crazy emotional roller coaster of pregnancy after loss and/or infertility too!

Baby Monnier in the Making

Well, today was the day we found out if there would be 1 or 2 Baby Monnier's in the making.  I had my first ultrasound with my fertility doctor at 5 weeks 2 days. And of course I wore my rainbow socks.  Here is what we saw:

We have one Baby Monnier in the making.  Today we saw the gestational sac with the yolk sac inside it and possibly the fetal pole.  It feels good to finally see what has been going on inside my uterus.  I hope Baby Monnier is making him/herself comfortable in there and will continue to grow into the healthy, happy baby we've been waiting for. 

There was possibly a second sac that the doctor said she would keep an eye on.  It was pretty small though and honestly, I don't think it will become anything.  I do think that maybe it was the second baby we had transferred but that it stopped growing over the weekend.  I think maybe that could explain why I've just had this terrible feeling that something started to go wrong and maybe why my hormones stopped progressing as fast.  But maybe not.  I over-analyze everything.  But I also have very very strong intuition about these things too and always seem to know something is wrong before the doctor has to tell me something is wrong.  I actually hope that this is what was causing that feeling and hope our one little one will impress us with a strong heartbeat at our next ultrasound. 

Our next ultrasound will be December 22nd.  Please pray that our Christmas Miracle has a heartbeat! I won't have any more blood tests to check my hormone levels before then, unless I freak out next week and ask them to check my levels to make sure things are still progressing.  I'm hoping now that I have seen that we have a very healthy looking sac and can see there is something in there developing that I can try to keep my anxiety to a minimum.  It's easier said than done.  I told the nurse today my Cortisol levels are probably through the roof...and of course my blood pressure was higher than normal today before she took me in for the ultrasound.  I have a few Christmas Parties this weekend and next weekend to keep my mind busy, or at least I hope they will!

Thank you for the continued prayers as we make our way through the first trimester.  This is only the beginning and we have many more hurdles to get through.  We sure hope our Rainbow Baby will be here by August 2015!

Pregnancy After Loss

Yesterday I shared this article by the Huffington Post on how pregnancy after a miscarriage is different on my personal Facebook timeline.  I think anyone who has lost a baby during pregnancy can attest to how different being pregnant after loss is.  It is a time full of fears and mistrust in your body.  It is a time when you want to rejoice but your afraid to get to excited or too hopeful.  It is when you struggle between having both positive and negative thoughts about what is going to happen to your baby.  You can read the article here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/meredith-hale/pregnancy-after-a-miscarriage-is-different_b_5974856.html

I don't expect people who have had perfect pregnancies or even troubled pregnancies but without loss to comprehend the state of mind of a mother who is pregnant after loss. They couldn't comprehend it.  In there world-everything worked out just the way it was supposed to.  Those of us who have experienced the death of our children-we don't live in that world and we never will to be quite honest. I personally have never experienced anything good come out of any of my pregnancies.  I personally have experienced the stillbirth of our daughter and three first trimester miscarriages after that.  With every loss the situation was different. It never happened the same way so I personally can never predict when I can let my guard down. And that sucks. It really really sucks. 

I feel like my emotions have been everywhere.  I want to be happy.  Last week I was ecstatic.  My HCG rose from 136 on Wednesday to 389 on Friday...almost tripling when it only needed to double.  I had no real worries over the weekend, even with some cramping that I had on Saturday.  I assumed it was still my body dealing with the stomach bug, which I fully believe now is the reason I vomited on Wednesday morning last week.  Monday was still a good day...I took a generic pregnancy test in the morning, one that I used last week and could barely see a second line, and was thrilled to see the test line a bright blue color that was far brighter than the control line.  Then Tuesday I decided to take a Clear Blue Digital Weeks Estimator test and since then I've been worried and feeling like something isn't going the way it should.  According to some information on the Internet, the weeks estimator should read 3+ when HCG is 2,000 or higher.  If my HCG continued to rise the way it was last week, it would have been over 2,000 yesterday.  So I took the test, hoping to see 3+ weeks but it still read 2-3 weeks.  I was a little bummed...but still thought okay...if my level is doubling then it would only be around 1600 and that's still good.  But when I got home from work last night and went to the bathroom and saw some red blood, I got worried. Really worried.  It wasn't a lot of blood, but it was red, and I know red blood is not good to have.  So to try to relax my mind I went to the couch and watched The Voice results show and the Pretty Little Liars Christmas special.  When that was over I took another weeks estimator test to make sure it didn't say 1-2 weeks which would have indicated my levels were dropping and I was going to miscarry.  It didn't. It still said 2-3 weeks. So with that I got ready for bed, put my rainbow socks on, and did some more research on those silly weeks estimator tests. 

Why did I put my rainbow socks on?  Well because they have brought us good luck so far.  I wore them to my sister's egg retrieval, to our embryo transfer, and both of my blood draws to have my HCG checked.  I thought if I wore them to bed and to my blood draw today that they would bring us good luck with our HCG results today.  Sounds silly...but I guess I'm kinda superstitious. Plus they are really comfy to wear. 

My research on the weeks estimators gave me a little more comfort too.  People were saying that their test was showing 2-3 weeks but their blood HCG came back over 4,000.  So that made me feel better. And with that I fell asleep praying our HCG today would be at least 3,000 and that I would not have any more red blood in the morning.  When I woke up this morning I had no more red blood! It turned brown (gross, I know)...but brown is okay. That just means it's old blood and a little spotting is okay in early pregnancy too. Shewww!

As far as my HCG today, the nurse called about 3 hours ago to tell me it came back at 2035.  The number was disappointing to me to be honest.  That means since Friday, the level has not quite doubled every day and that makes me super scared that we could miscarry.  The nurse said it was still an appropriate level for being 5 weeks pregnant, and with my progesterone at 51.6 today they were confident that things were okay right now.  A few minutes later the nurse called me back to reassure me that my level is perfectly normal today and that she realized she did not tell me that it really just needs to double every 2 days based upon the initial level, which was 136, so today as long as my level was at least 1642 they would have considered it to be normal.  She got me teary eyed when I told her thank you for calling me back and telling me that because I'm really struggling right now to trust in my body and she responded by saying "I know it's hard when all it's done is fail you."  She gets it.  She definitely gets it.  And that makes me feel better to have such a supportive nurse who doesn't look at me as being annoying because I worry too much. 

Friday at 9:30am is my first ultrasound.  I will be going at it alone because my husband has to work and I have to go to work right afterwards.  This initial ultrasound is just to make sure the sac is in the uterus and not my tubes and to count how many sacs there are.  The one thing I am confident about is that the sac will be in my uterus.  I have no doubt about that at all.  I fully believe there will be just one sac and that we are not pregnant with twins.  I am okay with that though.  I need to see my body succeed at carrying one baby before I can be confident that my body will be able to carry twins.  But if there are twins...I will be happy with that too and will know how truly blessed we are this Christmas. 

Praying everyone who is pregnant after losing a baby will find their inner strength and peace to be able to trust in their bodies to bring them their healthy rainbow baby.  I am going to recite this affirmation over and over until I feel the peace that I need. 

Beta on the Rise

I'm going to keep today's post short and sweet. At least I think I am. 

I woke up today and took another pregnancy test even though I knew I was going to be getting my blood drawn a couple hours later.  I took a digital one because I wanted to see if the weeks estimator would change from 1-2 weeks (past ovulation) meaning I was 3-4 weeks pregnant, to 2-3 weeks (past ovulation) meaning I was 4-5 weeks pregnant based on the level of HCG the stick could detect in my stream of urine.  It was so comforting to see this test result:

This afternoon I got a call from our fertility center's nurse with my Beta HCG and Progesterone results.  The results were fantastic and made me ecstatic! A normal rise is HCG would mean that the numbers would double every 48-72 hours.  Ideally...every 48 hours.  So today I was expecting my HCG to be around 272.  Instead, my HCG nearly tripled in 48 hours! It came back at 389!! This makes me over the moon with happiness!

Looking back to my last pregnancy, my HCG struggled to double in the beginning.  I'm not sure if during the entire 8 weeks that I was considered pregnant if it ever actually doubled.  It wasn't until the 6th week of my pregnancy that my HCG reached 330.  I'm only 4 weeks and 2 days today it my level has already surpassed that number and my level nearly tripled! These are very good signs of a healthy baby growing inside of me already.  Of course there is always this little voice in our heads that say don't get too excited too fast.  Even people with healthy rising HCG numbers have miscarriages.  Even babies that survive the first trimester have organ abnormalities.  Even completely healthy full term babies can die during birth.  I hate that we think this way....but we are naive anymore.  We know too much about what can go wrong.  We've seen it happen to ourselves and to our friends and even complete strangers.  But despite what we know can go wrong....I will continue to try to focus on everything that can go right from this point forward! We are really on a good start for this pregnancy and that's what is important in this very moment. 

In other news, my progesterone took a dip from 36.6 last week to 28 today.  It is still within the range they like to see it at so they are not worried about it.  I continue to get two shots of Progesterone every morning, one in each hip.  My hips are nice and bruised but it is all worth it.  And I have not puked my guts out since Wednesday morning.  So far I'm keeping the little bit of food that I am eating down and it's only creating some nausea for the time being.  My doctor immediately called me in a prescription for Zofran when she heard I was vomiting the other day.  I refused to pick it up from the pharmacy for several reasons.  1.) Zofran has been found to be linked to Congenital Heart Defects and I'll be damned if I will take something that could harm our child(ren).  And 2.) I'm not going to take something at the first sign of morning sickness...if that's even what that was. For all I know I could have a virus because I heard on the news that it doesn't matter if you got the flu vaccine this year or not because it does not protect from all the new strains of the flu that are floating around...and I work in a hospital around sick people daily.  Even if this is morning sickness...I'll deal with it.  I've never had it before...and for once I want to experience an actually normal pregnancy! And apparently morning sickness is a normal part of pregnancy...so I'll manage. Right now I'm managing by working on my third pack of saltine crackers in the past three days.  It's about the only think that tastes decent, but that's okay. 

My next HCG and Progesterone check will not be until Wednesday since things are progressing beautifully right now.  So I won't have any more updates on the baby front until then.  Tuesday I get my forth intralipid infusion and next week I will also get my updated immunological blood work completed to make sure my body is not going into an autoimmune attack mode this time around.

Other than me and the growing baby or babies inside of me doing well so far, I have felt sorrowful for my friends who have not had any good news over the past month.  I would like to ask my prayer warrior to say a special prayer for my friends Emily and Mandie who both have had multiple failed IUI's and recently developed ovarian cysts due to medications they had to take for their last IUI cycles, forcing them to take this month off and now causing them to consider doing IVF.  I would also like to ask for prayers for my friends Stephanie and Amber who both transferred two beautifully healthy day 5 blastocyst embryos right before me and whose HCG levels came back extremely low but present, yet never started rising properly so they are now considered to be miscarrying which is just heartbreaking to me to see my friends going through this.  And prayers please for my friend who we will call "R" who has recently had her second miscarriage from her second pregnancy.  I wish no one had to go through these types of heartache and financial burdens that failed infertility treatments and pregnancy loss causes...and especially wish my friends did not have to endure these trials of life.  It makes me feel slightly guilty for being happy for myself because I have been on the other end of the stick and know how hard it is to be happy for friends and family when your hurting inside for yourself.  I pray that we all find peace, happiness, and success along this long, winding journey to become parents. 

So much for short and sweet.  I'm a wordy person and my thoughts ramble out of my head when I start typing...but thanks for reading and praying as always! Have a blessed weekend:)

BFN or BFP?

I've been laying low since our embryo transfer 8 days ago.  I haven't written any updates because I've been trying not to over analyze everything.  How is that possible though?!? It's all I've been thinking about. Wondering if this worked for us or not.  Thinking about what could be happening or not happening inside my uterus.  I wish that I could just stick my head down there and peak inside my uterus to see what's going on! It has felt like nothings been going on.  I've been feeling pretty normal overall.  I didn't let that freak me out though because during our last cycle I was having just about every pregnancy symptom except morning sickness and I ended up not pregnant.  So this time I told myself it will be what it's supposed to be and had a good feeling that at least one of our embryos was going to stick around for us.
IVF

Today is a very special day for us for two reasons.  Today is the 15th anniversary of my father-in-laws death.  He has been gone half of my husbands life.  I never had the opportunity to meet him but I've heard so many good things about the man he was,  I know it has been hard for my husband to go through life without his father being there for his high school and college graduations, to give him relationship advise, to watch football games together, and to have him missing on the day of our wedding.  Today his dad showed us he is rooting for us too! Today we were blessed with a positive pregnancy test!!!

I will let you all in on a secret.  I've known since Monday morning that we were pregnant:)  I started taking tests every morning after my husband would leave for work and then would throw them away in our outside trash cans so I could surprise him today by taking a test this morning and waking him up by telling him we are pregnant.  My first test on Monday was a Dollar Store brand test and the line was incredibly faint so I broke out a Clear Blue Digital and broke out with a fist pump when it said the words "Pregnant!" Then I started spotting a few hours later and it kinda freaked me out, although I know it can be completely normal.  I've just never spotted before and I expected implantation spotting to occur last week.  The spotting stopped though and on Tuesday the lines on the pregnancy test were a little darker which was comforting.  And although my plan was to surprise my husband by waking him up to a positive test today, he was woken up instead to me running to the bathroom at 5am and vomiting my guts out in our bathroom sink for 10 minutes! His response?  "I hope this is morning sickness."  Holy cow,,,,morning sickness? I've been pregnant 4 times and I've never had morning sickness!! After he went back to bed I peed on a stick, took it too him, and said "I think it's safe to say it's morning sickness."

This morning was super rough.  I struggled to even find the energy to get in my car and drive to the lab to get my blood work done.  I had been up all night long just not feeling well and having trouble sleeping because of how nauseous I was.  And even though I felt better after ralphing up everything I had eaten the day before, I still couldn't get myself to fall back to sleep.  At 7:15am I was back at it again vomiting pure liquid because I had nothing else left to vomit.  I felt weak and my body was freezing and bones were achy....it felt like the flu to be honest.  Is that what morning sickness feels like?? This is completely new to me! I'm taking it as a good sign though and hoping for once we have a normal pregnancy:)

After back home from getting my blood drawn today, I've been napping on the couch with a heating pad and eating saltine crackers.  We got the call around 3:45 with our beta HCG results.  The nurse was very pleased to inform us that my HCG was 136 today at 8 days past 6 day embryo transfer! She said they expect the range to be between 50-100 by today so we are doing well so far.  We are definitely pregnant!  And this is definitely a healthier number than we started with during our last pregnancy which was over a year ago and ended in a blighted ovum/miscarriage. So we are super happy!

My next blood test will be on Friday.  We will recheck my HCG to make sure it is rising correctly and will also check my progesterone.  By the way....I did get my progesterone checked last Wednesday, the day after our transfer, and my level was 36.6 which was higher than it needed to be and instilled some confidence in me that this really was going to work.  If my level looks good on Friday they will schedule me for our initial ultrasound which is to check if there's one or two gestational sacs and to make sure they are in my uterus and not my tubes.  The ultrasound where we get to hear the heartbeat(s) will be around Christmas time:)

It's been almost two years since the last time we heard a heartbeat on an ultrasound.  It seems like it's been forever ago.  We know that getting to see the heartbeat(s) is the next hurdle along this journey.  We've conquered 1/4th of the tasks we set to conquer....we got pregnant.  Now we have the first, second, and third trimester to get through! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we know all too well that anything can happen.  I'm going to work on keeping myself positive and telling myself this time is going to be different! We certainly appreciate everyone who is following our journey to parenthood and everyone who has reached out to me to ask for an update today!