Why Not Adoption?

Being that I have been pregnant 4 times and all 4 times I've lost the baby, there are always well meaning people that ask if we have thought about adopting. Family members don't like seeing us going through what we have, the heartache of losing baby after baby. They worry that we will continue to feel that heart ache if we continue to try on our own to have kids. My grandmother has said it to me many times...that she thinks we should "just adopt." My primary care doctor does not believe we should be doing IVF with Preimplantation Genetic Screening (PGS) because of the risks that it could not work, or we could still have a miscarriage or stillborn baby, or that the baby could have a congenital defect from removing one of its cells for testing before we transfer. All logical concerns that we have thought very deeply about before we made our decision to move forward with this route.

So let me answer the famous questions...why not adoption? First-adoption is not off the table of options for us. In fact, ever since I was a teenager I wanted to adopt children-even older children who "just need a loving home." The day we were told we had miscarried our 4th child in October last year, I was so angry with what we had been through that I told my husband "we either adopt or we don't have kids at all." For the next week as we waited for my body to process that the baby inside me was dead and needed to come out Alex and I didn't talk any more about that statement I had made in the doctor's office. It wasn't until the following week that I had brought up the conversation again to figure out where we both stood on the issue. I had had time to cool down, although I was still angry and depressed that physically and emotionally I was going through hell and had been for several years, but more so that year. When we discussed my comment, it was the first time that Alex told me he was truly considering it as a viable option. Several years ago whenever I mentioned adoption he wanted nothing to do with it, and when we became foster parents he really struggled with bringing a child into our home that was not his own flesh and blood. He had always said he wanted his first child to be biological-a boy was his ideal child-someone who could genetically carry on the Monnier name. Even though he was considering it, I knew where his heart was-I knew he wanted to try the IVF with PGS route....and the more I thought about that the more I knew I would kick myself if we didn't try it. The plan at that time was to apply for the Baby Quest Foundation grant again, as we had done back in May, and if we got the grant we would definitely try the IVF with PGS one time and one time only. If we didn't get the grant, we would revisit the conversation about adoption.

Had we not gotten the grant, I don't know if we would have still tried an IVF cycle or not. There is so much to consider about adoption.

First, the fact that a private adoption costs anywhere between $13,000-$20,000. That is the same cost of an IVF cycle.

Second, the thought that an adoption is guaranteed that there would be a child at the end of paying all that money and a child is not guaranteed with IVF. But the reality is birth parents change their mind all the time-they could have chosen you for their child one month and the next changed their mind about you or change their mind about adoption all together. If that happened to us, it would be absolutely devastating-getting our hopes up and feeling yet again another loss.

Third, the thought of "taking" someone else's child from them is emotionally exhausting to me. Every time I have thought about adoption since losing two more babies last year-I think about the birth mother and what she would feel like watching someone else walking out of the hospital with her baby she just gave birth to. I remember what it felt like when I gave birth to Riley, what it felt like when the nurses took her out of my arms to take her to the mortuary, and what it felt like leaving the hospital with empty arms. I cry. I cry over what that felt like, and I cry when I think that is how a birth mother would feel too-she would feel so empty, regardless if she chose adoption for her baby, she would feel empty and I would feel like I caused her to feel that way.

Forth, the fact that the only "cheap" way to adopt is through Children Services or a private foster care agency. Either agency would require us to take all the classes to become licensed for "foster to adopt" again. We did this once already in our lifetime. Plus-when a child is placed with you through Children Services or the foster care agency you are licensed with-they are placed as foster children. They must live with you for 6 months before you can adopt them. If their parent's rights have already been severed and they are being placed with you FOR ADOPTION-they had been in other foster homes previously and in foster care for at least 1-2 years, if not much much longer. These children will likely have been older, been abused and neglected, and have acting out behaviors. They will not INSTANTLY trust you or bond with you. They need much much more than "just a loving home." All the love in the world from you can not and will not erase their memories of their past, and despite how abused or neglected they were-you honestly will never be their "mom" and "dad" because they have one that they've known their whole life and will always be loyal to. It is unrealistic to expect anything different. It is unrealistic to expect that after living with you for 6 months they will be thrilled you are adopting them because "all they want is love." In addition to ALL OF THAT-if that child's biological parent's rights have not yet been terminated, guess what?! The child could be placed with you for 2 years before they are terminated. A baby could have been placed with you at birth, and the birth parents have the right to complete a case plan to get their baby back. That baby could have lived with you for 2 years...and just before the county files for permanent custody, the parents could have finally gotten themselves clean-or the unknown father could have been found and refused to relinquish his rights, or a mysterious family member could have crawled out of the woodwork....and legally-the child would have to be taken out of your home and placed back with the parents, the father, or a family member if any of these scenarios occur. I worked in a private foster care agency for 4 years as my first career-I've seen it happen, and trust me-it is absolutely heart breaking for both the foster parents who raised that baby into a toddler, and that baby who knew no other bond besides with their foster parents.

Fifth, the fact that we've been foster parent's before and I know what it feels like to open our home to a child who needs more than "just a loving home" and what it feels like when a child leaves your home. Our foster daughter was 15 when we she was placed with us and turned 16 while she was with us. We had days where she called me "mom" and days where she called me every curse word in the book. She tried my patience and wore it thin...trust me. In the beginning we got along great. She came to us with practically nothing-all her clothes were too small for her and she needed decent clothes to wear to school in 2 weeks. We easily spent $1000 off the bat just to get her nice stuff that she could feel comfortable wearing. We bought her a cell phone from Walmart and she got $20 a week in allowance for doing minimal chores around the house which she did willingly...for the first 2 months. She had a boyfriend and we allowed her to go to church with his family on Wednesdays and Sundays and constantly had her boyfriend over at our house for dinners and movie nights. In fact, we became so close to her boyfriend that HE began calling us "mom and dad" and to this day still does. We held a Sweet 16 birthday party for her, bought her a dress and decorations for it, and opened our home to her friends and family. We took her an hour away to meet up with her siblings and their adoptive parents several times and invited them over to our house for get togethers as well. We had one of her sisters spend the night while I had to work and Alex entertained them by playing board games with them. She and I joined Curves together and motivated one another to get in better shape and to work out even on days we didn't feel like it. We introduced her to both of our families, took her to family get-togethers and holidays, and even to weddings with us. My twin nieces especially loved her...and they don't love too many people!

None of this is to brag about how good we were to her. We had plenty of arguments. We didn't always handle her behaviors with grace. I thought we made a turning point in our relationship when she ran away for the first time (only going down the street since she didn't know where else to run to) and after about an hour I called her and asked her if she was cooled down and ready to come home-she replied "yes-it's cold out here but I don't know how to get back." I was so glad she decided to come home...I was really hoping that she was going to be with us until she graduated high school (and she was only a freshman). Around Thanksgiving I located her grandmother and made arrangements for us to go to dinner with her-she hadn't seen her grandmother in years and I thought this would give her some sense of belonging since her mother hadn't come to one visit in the 3 months that we had her and decided to leave the state without telling anyone. She was very excited about seeing her grandmother...but it was during the dinner when I realized that she was behaviorally inappropriate with her grandmother. I left it go though and supported her having family contact. However, this is when things began going down hill. I do believe it was partly because of feeling overwhelmed with her grandmother being back in the picture, being angry her mom was out of state and didn't contact her, and being taken off of her anti-depressant medication (which I supported initially). I think once she was taken off her medication she could no longer handle all the emotions she was having and began lashing out at us more frequently, stopped caring about school, became preoccupied with being on the phone all day and night with her boyfriend, and refused to do any chores. We had to constantly confront her about not completing her homework and lying to us about it. We had to one day lock up all the phones in our house because she was sleeping with our house phone after she made us shut off her cell phone because she no longer wanted to pay for it. The day we locked up our phones I came home to our house in disarray-every cabinet door in the kitchen wide open (she knew I hated that) and papers thrown all over her bedroom. I knew she was upset with us but did not want to show her I was upset with her because that is what she wanted at the time. I left to workout at Curves and when I came home she had dumped every one of her dresser draws out and pulled all of her clothes out of her closet and threw them all over her bedroom floor. She also had thrown papers all over our living room. Alex was not happy when he came home and saw the mess she purposefully made all over our house and informed her if she did not like our rules she did not have to stay in our house which resulted in her running away for the second time. This time though, she did not come back. She had our neighbor's mom take her to the teenage runaway shelter and the on-call case manager for our foster care agency had to pick her up and take her to a respite home. I attempted to meet with her, our foster care case manager, and her therapist the next day to discuss a way we could get things back on track-I was willing to go to counseling with her to show her she was not the sole problem...that we needed to learn better ways to deal with her behaviors. Locking up the phones without telling her why was a big mistake on our end. However, the moment she saw me she threatened to kill me and wouldn't even sit in a room with me without causing a huge scene. She ended up being placed in a respite home and within 2 days was asking to come home after realizing she was not happy being with strangers. She remained in the respite home though because Alex did not want her to return to us after her last episode, but she and I spoke every night and I picked her up several times a week to do things with her. I was able to convince Alex to allow her to return to our home for Christmas so she did not have to spend Christmas with complete strangers and because we, along with our parents, had all gotten her Christmas presents we did not want to return. The deal was she could come back for the holidays and she would be placed somewhere else after New Years. I was so angry when we had our treatment team meeting and the county decided to place her in residential treatment. I knew it was not going to benefit her-that it would only make her feel worse about herself and develop more aggressive behaviors by being around the kids placed in the treatment facility. My opinion didn't matter though-her case manager felt it was the best place for her.

The day we dropped her off at the residential treatment facility I fell apart-completely apart. I locked myself in our bathroom at house and had a mental break down. I felt like a failure. I felt like I failed her...that we really were exactly what she told us we were hundreds of times-just another set of people who she couldn't trust and would get rid of her. I felt like a horrible mother. I questioned why we brought a child into our home if we couldn't stick it out through the good and the bad. I honestly felt like I had lost another one of my children that day and for the weeks that followed that day. I was angry at myself, angry at Alex, and angry with how the "system" works. Alex tried to convince me we were not giving up on her since we had asked to remain involved in her treatment so we could be "mentors" for her and could do respite for her in the future. He also did not want her to feel we were completely giving up on her. In order for us to remain involved with her we had to go through the volunteer program at Children Services which required us to complete more training. It always seemed like whenever the training classes were scheduled Alex and I had to work. We were able to visit her and call her for awhile until one day I called and they said we had been taken off her list. Confused-I tried to call her children services case manager who never returned my phone call. Finally-I got a hold of the volunteer program coordinator and attempted to schedule the training we needed on a date we were actually available and the coordinator told me our foster daughter no longer wanted us to be involved or to become volunteers. I was absolutely crushed. I felt like she had completely shut us out of her life because she felt she couldn't trust us. I found out months later when she contacted me on Facebook that her children services case manager told her we didn't have time for her which made her angry and she told them to take us off her list.

I still have contact with Mariza-she will occasionally say Hi to me on Facebook or ask how me and Alex are doing...and she still tags us in quotes about family and love. Her ex-boyfriend still asks how "mom and dad" are doing-so if you ever see a black kid posting stuff on my wall or in my comments calling me "mom"-that's him! Mariza went from residential treatment to group homes and foster homes to independent living. She is now living with her birth mother and 2 youngest siblings in Tennessee and did not graduate high school. It seems like her and her mom still don't get along the greatest. When she was about to turn 18 my heart wanted to allow her to come live with us to finish high school, yet my mind remembered that she most likely would not have liked that she would have still had rules and I knew Alex would never go for it. We really have had way too much on our plates over the last 2 years-between multiple eye surgeries, both of us being in school, planning a wedding and getting married, house projects in Columbus, new jobs, moving to Minster, now house projects on our new home, and trying to start our family with having multiple miscarriages and medical bills. It just wouldn't work.

So after consideration of all of these factors-this is the plan we have decided for ourselves.

1. One attempt at a full IVF cycle with PGS.
2. Transfer 2 "good" embryo's without chromosome issues.
3. Freeze any remaining "good" embryos we have.
4. Pray that at least 1 of the 2 we transfer takes and stays with us all 9 months...we hope both do but 1 will be a success.
5. If one or both stick and are born alive-we know my body is capable of carrying a baby to term so IF we have any frozen embryos we will later on attempt to transfer 1 or 2 of the frozen embryos. We would not have to do stimulation meds again-we would just have to take progesterone shots and short term oral medication after the transfer.
6. IF neither that we transfer stick, OR if we miscarry again AND if we have any frozen embryos-attempt using a surrogate next time. We would not have to do stimulation meds again-the surrogate would just have to take progesterone shots and short term oral medication after the transfer.
7. IF neither that we transfer stick, OR if we miscarry again AND if we DO NOT have any frozen embryos to use a surrogate for, we will focus on getting our house in a condition that will pass a homestudy (we need to finish the projects we started) and then we will meet with a PRIVATE adoption agency to pursue adoption of an infant from birth.
8. We want 3-4 children-so whatever we have to go to get them we will do. If we have 2 children through IVF whether through my carrying them or a surrogate-and do not have any embryos left to use for a 3rd child...we would most likely adopt our 3rd child through a private agency.

We really have not discounted any option. We are taking things one step at a time and will see within the next month where our current journey will take us. I do know foster care is just not for us right now and neither is adopting through children services. That is not to say that as we get older things won't change or our perspective won't change. Right now we are learning to just roll with life.