Never Lose HOPE

As I was driving to work today thinking about the future possibilities, it made me reflect on the past and brought tears to my eyes. Some days I can't believe I have survived so much emotional pain, and other days I can't believe there were times I wanted to give up on life. I thought about how my journey has shaped me into the person I am now, how many people have reached out to me to share their struggles with me all because I was open enough to share mine, and how many people are reading my blog and praying for us. For a long time I was so guarded and felt angry at the world-especially anyone who had a living baby. I felt like they could never understand how I felt or what I was going through-that they would always think my babies were never real because they were never born alive and that I was not a true mother because I don't have living children. I've never felt so wrong about my perception of other people. Sharing my story, my struggle, and my life with the world without being afraid of what other people think has been the most healing thing I could have ever done for myself. I've seen that people do care and don't judge. I've seen more and more women being brave and sharing their story publicly too, talking about their babies who were miscarried and stillborn. I've had many women who have never experienced these things send me messages telling me how much I inspire them. I've never been more comfortable in my own skin as I do now. So thank you to everyone who is reading and praying-YOU are helping me heal and helping me remain hopeful:)

As I was driving and thinking about all of this, I thought about the innocence that children have. I thought about the pictures that my nieces drew for me after Riley was stillborn. I thought about the time my nieces came to Columbus to spend the weekend with me and named their Build-A-Bear I bought for them "Riley," wrapping the bear with Riley's hospital blanket, and having me rock the bear to sleep like I would have been doing with Riley had see be born alive. I thought about the time we were on a family vacation in Hocking Hills and while I was giving my twin nieces a bath my oldest niece told the rest of the family that she knew I was going to be a great mommy. I thought about how many times my youngest niece would touch my belly when I was pregnant with Logan and ask about the baby inside, and then after I had miscarried Logan how many times she would still touch my belly and ask about the baby who was once inside-but couldn't understand that he died. I thought about the time at Christmas when I was holding my cousin's baby and that same niece said "I wish we could have one" bringing me to tears because so did I. And then I thought about that same day while holding the same baby my oldest niece once again said to me "You're going to be such a good mom."

Sometimes it feels like motherhood is so far away that I will never be able to reach it, like it will never come true for me. Then I remind myself that as long as I never lose hope-it's going to happen one day, one way or another. It may not be exactly how I planned or wanted it to be-but it WILL happen. I will never say that I "CAN'T" have children, even if my body proves it's not capable of carrying a baby to term. I won't say those words because I know I CAN have children-one way or another. There are too many options out there for me to accept the word "CAN'T." I'm not going to lose hope-not now, not ever. I already am a mother-just not the kind of mother I wanted to be. But one day-I will be the mother I want to be, because I never lost hope.