Inside the Heart of a Mother

Today is the 5th day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Today's Capture Your Grief's prompt is "Journal." Since I was a teenager, writing has always been my way of coping with heartache and the stresses of life. I've written poems, I've kept diaries, I've scrapbooked my entire life practically. My blog is now my journal. This is how I am coping. I am miles from the person I was before I started blogging. There is less anger, less resentment and jealousy towards other people, and less over-reacting to what people say to me. It's freed me in a lot of ways.

Today I want to share the feelings that I had the very last time I was pregnant. I had started a scrapbook and wrote my feelings down and glued them into the scrapbook for that corresponding week. My husband is the only other people who has seen this scrapbook and has read the things that I wrote. I am ready now to share these feelings with the world, or anyone who feels like reading. These are the words straight from a Mother's Heart.

Positive pregnancy test: September 6, 2013

"After trying to conceive for the last four months, our fertility doctor, Dr. Mark Bidwell, agreed to retest my progesterone level on Tuesday September 3rd to determine if I would need progesterone supplements to conceive a baby. When the results came back on Thursday September 5th at 16.8 the doctor was pleased with my level. I thought 'hmmm....maybe I should take a pregnancy test tomorrow because this was higher than it had been a few months ago.' On Friday September 6th while I was getting ready for work, I anxiously waited my pregnancy test results. It seemed like it took hours to process, and then finally....PREGNANT! I couldn't believe my eyes and took several double takes! You, my sweet baby, were already busy at work growing in mommy's belly:) I was so excited to surprise daddy so I sent him a picture of the positive test but he didn't respond so I had to call him. He was as shocked and as happy as I was! We talked about you being our Rainbow Baby, about how God sent me signs on Mother's Day this year that you, our Rainbow Baby, would be here by next Mother's Day....and here you are! You will be due to arrive in May:) I knew if you were truly our Rainbow Baby I would need to inform the doctors immediately and start any medication I would need to help you continue to grow. Dr. Bidwell  retested my progesterone and HCG the day we found out you existed. HCG was 30!"

Week 5:

"We have progressed to 5 weeks my sweet baby! This week has been full of so many emotions. Your daddy and I have continued to be excited and over the moon about your pure existence:) On Monday September 9th Dr. Bidwell's office called to inform me my progesterone went from 16.8 last Tuesday to 17.6 on Friday, three days later. The nurse said they are 'cautiously optimistic' and wanted me to retest on Tuesday morning, By Tuesday afternoon I got the call saying my progesterone was 17.5 and HCG was 55. The nurse seemed concerned that my levels weren't rising as fast as they should. Dr. Bidwell decided to put me on progesterone supplements and wanted me to retest my levels on Thursday. So on Thursday morning I had my blood re-drawn and prayed so much for my levels to be increasing. Your daddy and I also had our first ultrasound to make sure you are not growing in mommy's tube. Thank God you're not! To both our surprise, Dr. Kovac should us mommy ovulated TWO eggs this month meaning there could be not just one, but TWO of you! How wonderful! I think Daddy is nervous about that though! Dr. Bidwell's nurse called Thursday afternoon stating my progesterone went up to 20.5 and HCG up to 82. Still not good enough. Dr. Bidwell bumped me up to progesterone twice a day now. I pray this helps you!"

Week 6:

"What a relief this week has been! After 7 straight nights last week of having nightmares that I was having a miscarriage with you, it has been a much better week. On Monday I had my hormone levels re-drawn and Tuesday Dr. Bidwell called with fantastic news! Mommy's HCG was now 330 and progesterone was now 30! The nurse finally said they are 'hopeful' rather than 'cautiously optimistic.' This certainly calmed my anxiety! We get blood drawn again tomorrow. Fingers crossed all is well:)"

September 24th, 2013-6 weeks + 2 days

"Today we had our second ultrasound. Although I am disappointed we didn't get to see you or hear your little heart beat, I am happy the doctor's tell us everything is still progressing as it should. We even got this picture to show you certainly are working hard at growing in mommy's belly! Yesterday Dr. Bidwell's office called to tell my my HCG was now 1840 and progesterone is 80. You are getting plenty of progesterone now so I hope next week my HCG has continued to rise:) Love you tons!"

Week 7:

"Dear Baby Monnier, You are now 7 weeks old in mommy's belly! This past week was quite uneventful after we had our ultrasound. Although we can't see you yet, we know you are there and you are so very loved already! Mommy and Daddy cannot wait until next Monday to get to see you and hear your beautiful heart beating. I pray for you every day and every night that God provides you and us with the opportunity to one day cuddle with each other, give you kisses, rock you to sleep, and watch you grow into a healthy child."

Week 8:

 "Sweet Baby Monnier, What a week it has been. On Monday Dr. Bidwell's office called to tell me my HCG has increased to 7718 but my progesterone decreased to 59. The doctor isn't worried but it's so hard for me not to worry about you. Mommy's emotions have been in full force this week. I've been thinking a lot about your siblings. I wish more than anything for you to meet them, but only when God sends them down from Heaven to play with you as you are growing up. I can't bare to send you to Heaven to play with them. Tomorrow is our 8 week ultrasound and I am so anxious. I continue to pray we will see progress with your growth and that we will hear your heart beating. I want you to always know, no matter what, we love you!"

October 7th, 2013-8 weeks + 1 day

"Today we got the news I've been so fearful of. Once again our hearts are broken with the pain of losing another baby. My womb is empty...Baby Monnier, you never grew past 5 weeks. We had so much hope that you would be our Rainbow Baby. My thoughts are racing with questions about why this happened to us, to you. Why we weren't given the opportunity to raise you. Why God sent me false hope only to cause my heart to crash again. I told you no matter what that we love you, and that will never change. You will always be my baby angel."

October 17th, 2013-9 weeks + 4 days

"This last week has been hard to accept you're gone. I had to have one more ultrasound to be 100% sure before I let you leave my body. Baby Monnier, you will always be loved unconditionally. You are mommy's 4th little butterfly. On October 19th I took the medication the doctors gave me and I thought for sure I had passed your placenta that. It hurt me seeing pictures of your newborn cousin, Marcus, when you my baby didn't have a fighting chance. On Monday the doctor told me your placenta was still in my womb. Tuesday, I think I passed it again."

I stopped writing what happened next because it just got too hard. I was trying everything I could to miscarry as naturally as possible and every three days when I had an ultrasound the doctors kept telling me there was still placental tissue inside me. I ended up getting a D&C on November 1st, 2013. We had genetic testing done and found out on December 6th that our sweet Baby Monnier was actually sweet baby Audrey Rayne. Audrey had Down Syndrome just like her brother Logan who died in January 2013 between 10 & 11 weeks while pregnant with him. Losing Audrey is what made Alex and I decide to try fertility treatments. We just could not continue to get pregnant on our own knowing that every time there was a very large risk of miscarriage. Unfortunately, our first IVF cycle did not work for us. The last time I was pregnant was with Audrey at this time last year. It has been such a stressful and draining year. I just want to have one pregnancy where everything goes right and where I do not have to live in fear and anxiety. I hate thinking about how much time has passed in between each and every baby we have been pregnant with, and yet, we have never been able to take any one of them home. It's about time we get to take a baby home isn't it?