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Monday, September 15, 2014

Carried by Faith

Yesterday I was sitting in church. I hadn't been in a few Sunday's because life has just been busy between work, my car accident, and the golf outing...and sometimes I just want to sleep in with my husband for once. I found myself doing something I don't normally do yesterday. I love Christian rock worship music, but when it comes to worshiping in public, I tend to me more reserved. In my car I will belt the tune out and cry out of sadness, anger, or even happiness. But in church, I just tap my feet and hands to the beat of the song and sometimes sway a little back and forth. Yesterday though, I felt my arms rising as I closed my eyes and worshipped God with all of my body.

It hit me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. But in a freeing kinda way. Not a weighted down kinda way. For the past 7 years of my life, since I got pregnant with Riley in September 2007 as a senior in college and was terrified about my future, I have been carried by faith. Through the scary, through the joy, through the heartbreak, through the uncertainty, through the anger, through the has carried me the entire time.

People ask me how I have stayed so strong. How I have any hope in the future. How I have managed to make it through the loss of four babies. I've never really known the answer to be honest. But now I do.

My faith is so much stronger than I have ever let myself believe. I've always been more spiritual than the rest of my family, but I don't think I accepted God into my life until I lost Riley on March 1, 2008. The support group I attended had somewhat of a religious component to it. It introduced me the music that I love to listen to no matter the mood I'm in, no matter the situation going on in my life. It is soothing to my ears, my heart, and my soul. I've been listening to it ever since. And just about every song that I hear, I can apply it to my life in some way and it gives meaning to all this crap we've been trenching our way through.

At times I've felt like God is never there for me, especially when I need him. But I realize now he has been with me the entire time. He's been there to pick me up when I'm down, has pulled me from the water when I'm drowning, has been my feet when I felt I couldn't take one more step, has given me shelter when the storm is raging, and has been the voice inside me that says Keep Going, Don't Quit Now.

Along this journey to becoming parents, I don't know what the ultimate plan is for us. Every time when it seems like one option is turning into a dead end, something happens that makes it seem like we are still moving in the right direction. After we lost Logan in January 2013, we thought we would try IVF with PGD. When we didn't get chosen for the Baby Quest Foundation grant in May 2013, we thought we would try to get pregnant again on our own. When we got pregnant again in August 2013 we thought that was the answer to our prayers. When we miscarried in October 2013 for the 4th time, and we re-applied for the Baby Quest Foundation grant...we told ourselves if we weren't selected then IVF was not meant to be and we would adopt. When we got selected for the grant in November 2013, we thought once again it was the answer to our prayers....we were still going to be able to have a biological child. When our IVF cycle went smooth the entire time, we thought it was a sure thing-that we would get a biological child out of the embryos we were about to create, and then the doctors became concerned about my estrogen rising too quickly and possibly having ovarian hyperstimulation....but I didn't and we went on as scheduled. Once we had the egg retrieval and everyday got a phone call with decreasing numbers, I thought it wasn't going to work for us and we were supposed to adopt instead. When one out of four embryos came back with an incomplete genetic result and the other three had confirmed genetic issues, I was sceptical but thought God just didn't want to spoil the gender surprise so early. When our pregnancy test came back negative, I was crushed and thought about adoption again. But within a few days me and my sister talked and she offered us her eggs....which was close enough to having a biological child. When there were doubts of my sister going through with the egg donation, I thought this isn't what we are supposed to be doing. Then we talked and she was completely on I had hope again that this would be it. But then there was a chance she wasn't going to be approved....and once again I thought, this isn't meant to be. Then she got approved. Then I was told my doctor wouldn't do the immunological co-management with the doctor in New York, and I felt stuck, but within a week heard from the clinic that another doctor was willing to take over my case so we could get the immunological treatment.

So here we are. Everything that I thought was going to stop us from going forth with this egg donor cycle has been resolved. Yet I'm not 100% sure this is the path God choose for our life, and I won't know until we are at the end of the cycle and have used up every viable embryo that gets created out of this cycle or until we have a baby in our arms 9 months after the cycle is over. It's either going to work for us, or it won't. It's that simple I guess. And all I can do is let my faith carry me through this wave of hope and fear and wait to see where the wave lets me land. If it works, I will be over the moon. If it doesn't work, I will be devastated again. But either way-my faith will continue to carry me to the child that was created just for us. I have faith that there will be a child at the end of all this. Someway, Somehow.

I will leave you with this song that has become a favorite of mine. Enjoy!

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