The Woman Sitting Next to You

For the past seven years I have been a childless mother.  I have given birth to our stillborn daughter and buried my first child.  I have had bled out my second child.  And I have had two D&C's to have my third and forth children removed from me after they stopped developing.  I remember clearly what it was like giving birth on a maternity unit where I could hear other babies crying but our daughter was born ever so silently.  I remember the inappropriate comments from both nurses during my two surgeries at two separate hospitals-one asking me why I was crying while she was prepping me for surgery and the other asking me if I was excited when she came in the room to start my IV.  I remember the uncomfortableness of sitting in the waiting room of my doctor's offices with my empty womb as I was reminded of my inability to keep my babies alive while I was surrounded by other pregnant women.  I remember the Mother's Days filled with emptiness and depression as I watched our family members and friends celebrate their happiness with their children surrounding them.  I remember feeling angry, forgotten, misunderstood, jealous, and lonely over the past 7 years. 

Having these experiences made me wonder why there was never a separate labor and delivery wing just for the mothers who would not be able to bring their babies home with them.  It's made me wonder why nurses have not been better educated on how to provide proper support to the grieving mother.  It's made me wonder why there is not a separate waiting room in the doctor's office for the women who just found out their baby no longer has a heart beat or the women who just had their baby taken from their womb.  It's made me wonder why there are not cards that are easily found for the mother who is missing their child on Mother's Day.  Why have I had to be subjected to even more pain by seeing the happiness of the woman sitting next to me still pregnant or with her beautiful children surrounding her? That woman pisses me off. Does she know how lucky she is?  Is she grateful for what she has?  How would she feel if she were in my shoes? 

Being pregnant after loss and infertility treatments has made me stop and think about that woman that I was angry at sitting next to me in the doctor's office who was still happily pregnant while I was miserable with my empty womb.  It's made me realize that I am now that woman, and I may be triggering feelings of anger and jealousy for another woman who could be sitting in the waiting room with me now after just loosing her baby.  That woman doesn't know me or my story.  She doesn't know that I was in her shoes not just once but four times.  She doesn't know that it took two rounds of IVF to get pregnant with a baby that would not be affected by my genetic issue.  And she doesn't know that I had to sacrifice my own genetics and the baby that I am carrying was made with my sister's egg and husbands sperm.  She doesn't know the measures we have gone to treat my other underlying medical issues that could have affected my ability to carry even a genetically normal baby and the money we have invested into this pregnancy.  She doesn't know that even after all we've done different this time around, there is still a chance something could go horribly wrong because of the cord insertion that we could not have prevented and did nothing to cause.  Maybe if she knew these things about me and our growing baby she would not feel as angry, and she would know that I understand the way she feels.  So that woman that I was angry at-maybe she had been in my shoes before too.  Maybe she had lost a baby, or multiple babies, and maybe she was pregnant with her rainbow baby.  Maybe she had struggled to get pregnant for years and one day received the miracle she had been waiting and praying for.  Maybe she had spent thousands of dollars on fertility treatments and finally had success.  Maybe she was carrying a baby who would not be genetically related to her because she had to give up her genetics in order to conceive a baby at all. 

Would it really matter if we knew the story of the woman sitting next to us?  Would it make us have more empathy towards them?  Maybe.  But does anyone really deserve to know what it's like to lose a baby, or to struggle with infertility, or to figure out how to balance the emotions that come with being pregnant again after loss or infertility?  Even if the woman sitting next to you had never lost a baby or had never struggled to conceive the baby she is carrying, doesn't she deserve to feel happy and naive? Isn't that what we all wanted for ourselves too?

Other than reflecting on my thoughts lately and spewing them out in this post today, I just want everyone to consider the woman sitting next to them the next time they are in the doctor's office.  Remember we don't know their story or how they are feeling as they sit in the waiting room with us.  But regardless of their situation, no one deserves pain and we all deserve to feel a bit of happiness.  Anger and jealously are not good emotions to have, although they are a normal part of processing grief.  We just have to learn not to misplace our emotions on the stranger who may or may not have been in our shoes once too. 

Now on to Baby M updates-We passed our gestational diabetes test with flying colors! I have gained a total of 5 pounds now throughout the past 26 weeks.  My belly is still growing and changing shapes every week. I've determined Baby M is either going to be a gymnist or a kick boxer, but daddy still hasn't felt the baby kick.  I have developed some anemia now and will be starting on some Iron supplements as soon as I stop at the store to pick them up.  Next Thursday we will officially be in the THIRD TRIMESTER!  I'm getting super excited for my baby shower coming up next weekend and of course can't wait for the big gender reveal that day too! And our next appointments will be on Tuesday, May 19th-we will have the fetal echocardiogram done along with an ultrasound with our regular OB.  Life has been good....and every day we grow deeper in love with this little one we will soon get to meet!