Where is my One Year Old?

When I found out at the end of November in 2012 that I was pregnant I was so ecstatic. I started planning our child's life right away. I knew what matching pak-n-play, highchair, swing, and convertible stroller w/carseat set that I wanted. I had so many cute bedding sets picked out that I was tossing between-wanting something neutral so we could reuse it for our future babies too. I started buying little things here and there and any free moment that I had you were sure to find me in the baby section of any department store.

In early January I met two of my college friends for lunch and I pulled out my ultrasound picture to share my exciting news with them. After lunch, me and one of my friends went to Babies R Us and started my Baby Registry. I remember the lady asking when I was due-"August 10th." "You sure are excited aren't you!" That was her polite way of saying-"this is really early to be making a baby registry." I didn't care though. I loved my baby so much and I was over the moon that my husband and I were going to be parents.

Maybe I should have known better. Maybe I should have been more cautious and realized one week everything can be great and progressing as it's supposed to, and the next, well-things can go wrong quickly. Maybe I should have remembered what it was like the last time I created a registry, when I was 22 weeks pregnant, and less than 2 weeks later my beautiful daughter was dead and the registry was no longer needed. Maybe I shouldn't have been so happy for myself. Maybe I shouldn't have envisioned a happily ever after.

Over the past year I have had many reminders from Babies R Us that I should have a bouncing baby in my arms. Last August I got a card-"Congratulations on your new baby!" with a 20% coupon and a discount on items left on my registry if purchased by September. Throughout the year I've gotten monthly Babies R Us catalogs with discount coupons. I've gotten Similac formula couples and recently actual infant to toddler formula sample packs. Towards the end of July I got a card from Babies R Us-"Happy First Birthday!" with of course another 20% coupon. Every month I throw these reminders right into the trash. Is it Babies R Us' fault? No. But maybe they should look to see if anything was purchased off my registry before sending me congratulations and birthday cards for my child who never made it more than 3 weeks after I created my registry. Or maybe I just should have listened to the woman at the store who politely told me I was too excited too early in the game.

Today was my due date one year ago. It's 4:18am as I am typing right now. I'm at work. I've been here since 8pm and I don't get off until 8am. That gives me a lot of time to think. As much as I try to accept the life I have and the cards I've been dealt-I wish life were different. I wish I wasn't working overtime every weekend to make some extra money to pay for our outrageous medical bills related to trying to have a healthy baby. I wish I was at home cuddled in bed with my husband listening to the static on our baby monitor and jumping instantly the moment our son cries. I wish I could just hold our son in my arms and not just in my heart. I wish I wasn't sitting at this computer screen blogging about my feelings and wiping tears from my eyes. I wish I had a birthday party to plan and wish more than anything that our families knew our son too and could celebrate his precious life with us. The only thing I have of Logan to share with other people is this video I made last year on his due date: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2hzo2rc9pE

Our son would have been born with Down Syndrome. Today I wear this necklace just for him. For Logan. Love Doesn't count Chromosomes. No-it doesn't. In fact-I've said it many times, but when the doctor told me the genetic testing came back that we had a boy and he had Down Syndrome-I loved him so much more. It really does hurt me tremendously that I can't pour my love into my child like I should be able to. I know that had he been born, there wouldn't have been one second that I would have regreted his life or been angry that God gave me a child with special needs. Not one single millisecond.

This necklace brings up a lot of emotions for me. If Love Doesn't Count Chromosomes why did we do IVF with pre-implantation genetic screening? Why are we now pursuing Egg Donation? Why don't we continue to try to have a child naturally since we can get pregnant just fine? If a doctor said to me "Lindsay, I can guarantee two things for you. Your baby will definitely have Down Syndrome and you will definitely carry the baby full term and give birth to your living child," I would say "Sign me up doc!" In fact, Dr. Braverman in New York thinks once we treat the issues he discovered I will definitely be able to carry full term and won't have any more miscarriages, even if we used my own eggs. The problem is, according to every doctor I've spoken to, the large majority of babies with Down Syndrome die before birth. Worse yet, there is even a good possibility of getting pregnant with a child who has Trisomy 13 which is absolutely lethal. I would love my child regardless of chromosomes-Down Syndrome, Trisomy 13, 46 normal chromosomes-but I don't want to continuously fall in love with a child that I have to say good-bye to before we ever get to say hello. Dr. Braverman even recommended IVF with pre-implantation genetic screening because he knows as well-even if every other issue with me is treated, we cannot change my translocated chromosome or the lucky egg that gets ovulated and fertilized during a natural cycle, and we cannot guarantee that a baby with an "abnormal" chromosome make-up will make it through 9 months of development during pregnancy. Right now, I just want a baby with a smooth pregnancy. I just want to do everything in our power to make sure we are eliminating the issues that could be resulting in my miscarriages, including the chromosome issues. With the route we are taking, I know the only thing that would happen that would cause another loss would be things we can't control like abnormal organ development like a heart defect or a cord accident.

I wish that all it took to have a baby was love because then we wouldn't be going through all of this. Logan would still be here. He would be turning one. And we would be talking about when to start trying for the next one. Unfortunately, love just isn't enough.