I first feel like I should share that yesterday I was in a car accident and I feel incredibly grateful that I am still here to see another day. I know at times throughout this emotionally painful journey I get so depressed that I just wish God would take me to Heaven, some how in his own way, so I could be with my babies. I would never try to kill myself, ever. For numerous reasons but especially because I could not cause that kind of pain to my family. But I admit, I miss my own babies so so badly and I just want to be able to hold them in my arms for once.
Yesterday I woke up in a bad space. I felt off. I had woken up from a dream where I was being chased through New York City by a black man in a beat up black Cadillac and he was shooting at me with a black gun. At the end of my dream I was running through an ally and found a door which I opened to try to get away from this man. Inside the building was one empty white room after another. I just kept opening the doors and running through one room to another while the man chased me. I woke up right after I locked two doors behind me and was trying to figure out how I was going to actually get away from this man. When I woke up my heart was pounding like I was really running from this man. It felt like I was running from the grim reaper or the devil.
I got ready and headed to my acupuncture appointment. On my way there I was following behind a big black truck. I looked into the mirror and was applying my eye liner. I do my eye make-up a lot while I'm driving. I kinda thought I was a professional at it. But when I looked up to see the road ahead of me it was too late, I was slamming right into the back of the black Chevy duramax diesel truck. It happened so fast that I couldn't slam on my breaks fast enough. All I remember is the squealing of my tires, my windshield busting, and my airbag hitting me. When it was over my car was smoking so I jumped out of my car and didn't even turn it off. I ran to the side of the road and was crying hysterically while having a panic attack fearing the phone call I needed to make to my husband. I was so scared that he was going to want to kill me because I had just gotten a speeding ticket two days earlier and he wasn't talking to me (that wasn't the first speeding ticket I've had in the past year). 
My husband didn't kill me. He was just happy that I was able to walk away with a few burns from the air bag and a couple bruises. I felt okay yesterday, just really shaken up emotionally and feeling like the world was just crashing around me. Today I am very sore in my upper body, especially shoulder area. I will say this is the first time that I am glad that I was not pregnant because I know a baby would not have survived a crash like that.
Yesterday my sister and niece came over to see me. We went to a store to see if they had any fall door wreaths for my sister and when we walked in the first thing I saw was a sign that said this:
How absolutely true is that? This was definitely a wake-up call for me. My purpose on this Earth is not done yet. My angels are not ready for me to come to be with them yet.
A few hours after the accident I got a voicemail from the fertility clinic. They said they were able to approve my sister to be our egg donor! What a relief! There was definitely a chance that she was not going to be approved based on her follicle scan last week and her follicle stimulating hormone being just below the required level. All week I've been racking my brain with the "what ifs" and running all our options through my brain just in case she was denied. I am glad we can focus on this option now and get to see where this will take us.
The only snag yet is to figure out how we are going to get the immunological treatment. I spoke to Dr. Braverman from New York twice last week and he came up with a reasonable treatment plan for me. We discussed options such as seeing if the other fertility doctor at the clinic we are going to would be willing to consult with him OR freezing our embryos and having them sent to him in New York where we could do the embryo transfer so he could prescribe the immunological treatment without having to consult with anyone else. We are fine with either option. I met with my OBGYN on Monday and she is agreeable to continuing the immunological treatment throughout my pregnancy as needed. She said she would also be okay with doing a diagnostic laparoscopy if that's what we want to do. So right now I am waiting for my fertility clinic to email me back to schedule my sister's last appointment with the doctor before she would begin medication and to let me know if the other doctor in the practice is willing to work with Dr. Braverman or if they would rather freeze our embryos and send them to New York for us. But I made it perfectly clear that one way or another we will get the immunological treatment. So now we wait to find out how that will be.
This weekend is our golf outing we are organizing for Baby Quest Foundation who will be donating the money we raise back to me and my husband to help us with the cost of this egg donor cycle and will be donating money to another couple in my community. I am looking forward to meeting new friends and people who follow my blog at this event! Thank you to everyone who has been donating also:) We love all the support!
26 comments:
APPLYING YOUR EYELINER WHILE DRIVING?!!! I have no words.
I'm sorry, it has nothing to do with angels. You were behaving irresponsibly and got extremely lucky nobody was killed.
That is just as bad as texting and driving. Set your alarm 5 minutes earlier. You have things to worry about that are more important than vanity.
That's just irresponsible. It has nothing to do with angels or rainbow babies. That was just pure luck. I certainly hope you were as concerned for the other driver as you seem to have been for yourself. You could have killed them or yourself. Please pay attention to the road in the future for your own sake and everyone else's.
Dear Anonymous,
A. You are right-irresponsible of me.
B. I looked in the mirror for 45 seconds, it happened that quick.
C. I wasn't expecting the truck to stop where it did.
D. I apologized profusely to the men that were in the truck and felt like I was a horrible person because of my irresponible choice.
E. There was minimal if any damage to the truck because of how it was built...and yes I realize this could have been a different vehicle and things could have been much much worse.
F. I still believe there are angels watching over me, my angels, and I believe they will be sending me a rainbow baby one day.
G. Lesson Learned, and I am sorry this is how I learned it.
Driving is a big responsibility. Bigger than parenting I would say because you are putting other people's lives at risk by your choices. If you can't handle this responsibility, think really hard about the maturity it takes to parent.
I think several anonymous people are posting! I posted the first two. I'm super annoyed about the eyeliner, but I think the last anonymous poster went too far and was mean spirited. I'm glad you are OK and it sounds like this will be a learning experience. I hope things pick up for you!
Yes, I think that post was too far. I don't drink and drive, in fact I rarely ever do drink. And I certainly don't drive while high on drugs bc I've never done drugs. I am a 28 year old who makes some pretty selfish choices, like this one, and I learn from my big mistakes such as this one. All I keep thinking about was what if I hit a car that had kids in it and I keep replying the accident over in my mind like a movie and it really does bother me that I was so stupid and have been so stupid to think something like this would never happen. I know having a child on board in my stomach or in my car would change how I drive so I should have been thinking about the people in other cars too. I think everyone is guilty of driving distracted rather it's talking on the phone, texting, turning around to see what their kids are doing or talking to their kids, or looking in the mirror, or simply thinking about the million things they have going on in their life. I'm not the most horrible person because of this but I certainly feel like I am.
Kudos to you for at least being honest about how the accident happened. I'm sure you learned a valuable lesson today...and thankfully not costing any lives or limbs. Please don't EVER do that again!
Just remember you are a wonderful person and everything happens for a reason. You learned from your mistake/decision and now you can move on. Maybe your experience will enlighten someone else about their choices. There are some things you posted in your blog not relating to driving that I have learned from today and never thought about before. I too experience fertility issues and now have one wonderful child in my life. Have a wonderful day!!
Accidents happen, Anonymous. Usually because of an unguarded moment or a foolish choice. Berating someone after the fact in this way is so uncalled-for. Have you always been perfect yourself?
You're not horrible, you're human. And at least you've committed to change after making a mistake. Not everyone does. I'm glad you and the other driver are ok. And good luck on your journey to motherhood. It really does change you.
don't let anyone get under your skin here. mistakes and accidents happen. if they didn't, you wouldn't be human. eyeliner, eh, yeah, bad idea, but you could've gotten in that accident if a fly decided to land in your face, or you got a weird twitch on your eye, or you were looking perfectly safely and the truck stopped short. whose to say you would've avoided the accident if you weren't distracted. you've learned from your experience, and people on the internet to easily put themselves up on thrones and act high and mighty. to those who made you feel even the last bit doubtful of your choices or life: next time you're driving, don't take your eyes of every car around you. don't look in your rear view at the car be hind you... and don't ever EVER get in any accident ever. then you can judge.
continue your journey knowing you lived, you learned and you will teach your child to avoid those mistakes. :-)
you can call me Maura.
Nearly everyone drives distracted at least once in their lives. I have caught myself swerving into the next lane while changing the radio stations.We are all human we all make mistakes. At least you are honest, and can say that you made a mistake. As long as you learned from your mistake.
Is no one commenting about her racist dream?
Lol...racist dream? I can SO control my dreams and who ends up in them and what happens in them. I'm the furthest thing from racist. But keep judging.
For 45 seconds applying make up??? I certainly hope people don't do that as a rule!
45 seconds when behind the wheel is NOT quick.
Right - firstly the person who is anonymous????? You a coward or what? Looks like you constantly say words where you not feeling confident enough my love?) and then run away! SEEN as though YOU WANT TO GET PERSONAL!!!
Right
1. Applying eyeliner - where's your cupboard? I'm sure there isn't even skeletons - but friggen dinosaurs!
2. ANGELS!!!! Why is it that dipweeds always bring in religion????!!! hmmmm - oh because you hate your life and would rather shove it down others throats!
3. set you alarm 5 min earlier - Geez you must be one UGLY MOTHER F@&~cker to find so much ugliness in someone else - its called a mirror - if you go for counselling - they can help you see clearly how you find out what you don't like in yourself! Try it! You might actually like yourself!
4. hmmmm pointing out/criticizing/giving a lesson that she should of been concerned for someone - oh and road saftey lessons?! Geez - are you a teacher? now i'm worried!
5. Driving is a big responsibility more than parenting? Well - this is clearly showing either you don't have children or I feel sorry for them because you've been driving recklessly!
6.OK - AND LASTLY - LETS COMMENT ABOUT THE RACIST DREAM!!! WHAT SKIN COLOUR ARE YOU???!!! Clearly you have been born during the racist era (in your dreams)and throwing this card around - I find the little 'kids' who weren't even a thought in their father's sacks are the ones throwing this card around!!! These little idiots have never grown up working for their money - just complaining! - i know a good school as clearly you not showing much education here)
Well my dear - LETS GIVE YOU A LESSON! When you LOOK at someone and you critisize/belittle/react/act cowardly or try to be a bully - your life is pretty f@%&cked up!
Not only did you have a bad life - but you blame everyone for it.
Not only are you blaming others for it - but you are DOING it yourself! NOT only are you doing it yourself - but you are sad and hate your life! I think you need to call for help! A person who has words and hides away - you can only get away with it so long - I meet people like you who i am grateful to meet as I PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE!You don't have to have muscles to do that! - and what I do like about justice is that it comes back thick and hard - you will be caught one day and that day - you should pray - seen as though you bring religion into it!
On the balance side - I do apologize to the parents of the person who was stupid enough to comment - it was nothing personal and you probably are a nice couple who've had problems - so please don't take this personally!
Lindsey - what a person to take responsibility! That is the hardest lesson and like you said - you'll never do it again - the amount of times i've had 'wake up' calls - id say were the only times i listened! so good for you! and yes!!! oh boy I DO BELIEVE IN ANGELS FAIRIES AND UNICORNS!!!!!! And I believe people are put in your path to teach you a lesson as well as you to teach them - so this twit did you a favor - because they just showed you how much love you have in your life and how much love - sadly isn't in their life. The amount of times i've met people who are screaming and shouting tells me they have got away with it for so long - so when they come across me - boy do they get it back - (not personal i might add) but sometimes you mirror bullies actions to get them to have a taste of their own medicine. I wish you every success x and I wish happiness for the person who is having a rough life
I don't think the negative comments are so much about what you have done although I do think it was irresponsible & I'm sure you know that. You won't be the first & unfortunately you won't be the last.
I think & this is the way I feel, that it's the way you came across in your post. I think you could have worded it a lot different & then again in your post today you accept what you have done but then you go on to say about being so depressed ect. If being depressed is causing you to have accidents you should maybe think about not driving.
Believe me I know what a struggle it is to got through all of this. I have for 8 years but I would never ever use it as an excuse for causing an accident. You need to a accept what you have done & move on accept you made a poor choice & as you have said you have learnt from it.
I hope you understand what I am trying to say & that I am not trying to be hurtful. Like I said we all make poor choices & unfortunately we can't change them.
You all act as if you haven't made bad choices at one time or another. .... I'm sorry, maybe you all aren't human, because all humans I know make mistakes. At least she recognized that she was in the wrong and has made a conscious decision to change. You are any of you to judge? ??
We have all had moments of not paying attention on the road. This does not reflect on her as a person or ability to be a parent. Shame on any of you for trying to suggest otherwise.
This is dreadful. A young woman applies make up while in control of a vehicle and the people who are mad about it are receiving negative comments??? There are lapses in judgement but she openly admits she has been applying make up on her car for long enough that she felt She had perfected it. That is not a momentary lapse in judgement. As a parent I don't feel as forgiving as all the people rushing to her defense. She is clearly not humbled by the experience. Instead she writes a defensive post defending her actions. A truly humble person would accept the criticism and not try and and justify what can't be justified. I lost a dear friend because of negligence like this. This is life and death. Lindsay read back through these posts. See what we see. Don't he defensive, be reflective.
THE point of the matter IS that she realized she did wrong (READ HER POSTS) AND APOLOGIZED!!!! Writing it publicly teaches people! Carrying on to remind her how bad it was IS NOTHING MORE THAN COWARDNESS!
WE GET IT YOU ANGRY WITH HER!!!! NO BACK OFF!!! AS TRULY YOU ARE PERFECT IN ALL WAYS AND NEVER MAKE MISTAKES BUT SEEM RELEVANT TO POINT OUT ANOTHER PERSON'S WRONG DOINGS! OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER! Geez wheres your wings and halo??!!! OH PERFECT ONE! The reason I AM MAD about this person receiving negative comments is because of the WAY YOU DID IT!!! You got personal, completely out of line and damn right rude!!! how do you know she is not humbled???!!! CLEARLY YOU AREN'T HUMBLE! DON'T PASS JUDGEMENT UNLESS YOU'VE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR! When you repeat you are sorry - what do you want her to DO? jump off a building to prove it to you??!!! GROW up! and I WILL keep defending this person because saying sorry and admitting you are wrong publicly is the hardest thing to do! Clearly you never do it from reading your posts!!
Justine I'm not rude and I did read the post. I interpreted differently than you, I am not perfect. I make a ton of mistakes but I have never, and will never apply make up in a car I am driving. It shocked me. I have lost someone. You stay calm in the face of a loss through someone else's negligence, you haven't walked in my shoes.
I think its time to put this debate to rest. I don't want arguing on my blog. I don't write this for a debate. Yes, I admitted to applying make up often and thinking I was a pro at it BC nothing ever happened. Shame on me for thinking I was never going to cause an accident BC of it. I did many other things while driving too that could cause accidents and never did either. Most important though, I admit my mistakes and this gave me a more realistic view of how I drive and how it dies affect other people. It has changed what u do behind the week of a car. I'm afraid to even talk on the phone now or go 5 mikes overvtge speed limit. We are besting a dead horse here. And my post yesterday was simple to the person who felt the need to tell me I should reconsider having children BC that was way out of place. And to bring up the fact that out of 74 posts...the one ppl actually comment on is the one about my bad decision instead of the ones about my babies and journey to parenthood which is what this whole blog is about so its very disappointing when I admit something bad that I did my page gets flooded instead of getting support throughout everything else going on in my life.
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