Breathe In, Breathe Out, Repeat.

Today was my first appointment with our infertility doctor since May when we were just considering IVF with Preimplantation Genetic Screening as a possible option for us. After initially deciding against it, having our second miscarriage this year (4th pregnancy loss all together), and then being selected for a grant from Baby Quest Foundation, it is now something we are moving full force ahead with. There are so many conflicting emotions I am feeling right now-hopeful but doubtful, excited but scared,contentment but guilt-stricken.

On my way to the clinic in Columbus, I started out with so much energy and ready to take on this new journey. Then as I got closer to the clinic my mind began racing and I began to cry. My heart just aches so much for the babies we have lost and I don't ever want to feel like I am replacing them. My heart aches for our rainbow baby and just thinking about the possibility of giving birth to our biological child who is crying at the top of its lungs brings me right to tears! My heart aches even more for the babies who are going to be created but will not make it through the process of development and even more so for the ones we won't be transferring because of their chromosome arrangement.

Once I got to the clinic I had to put these emotions aside and remind myself we are doing this for good reasons. I had my sounding orientation with the doctor and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be-just like a pap test, quick and simple. After this I met with one of the IVF nurse coordinators to go over my projected "protocol." There was so much information, so many unknowns that will get figured out once my next cycle starts and we begin the medication that it made me feel anxious. I hate when things are not in my control, even though clearly I've been through so much in the last two years especially that has been out of my control! The nurse was so thorough and patient with me, and that was so much appreciated. She showed me how to mix the two medications together that I will be having to inject at the end of February and gave me tips on how to inject them.

So whats next?? We meet with the doctor again on January 16th for our final consultation to ask our last minute questions. We will also do Alex's sperm cryopreservation that day since it's required to do a sperm freezing before we start the cycle, and we will have our counseling appointment at the clinic which is required of all couples proceeding with infertility treatments. We will pay off our deposit to the clinic that day and also pay the lab for the embryo biopsies that they will be doing come March. Once I start my next period a few days after that appointment I will start birth control pills and we both will start an antibiotic. The downfall is-my first injectable medication will be started when we are on our cruise:( The good news is-she said I'm still allowed to drink on the cruise while taking that medication! Everything after that is still up in the air as fair as dates go.

For now I will just breathe in, breathe out, and repeat. I will try to remain calm, confident, and courageous. I will continue to be grateful for this opportunity.