It's not necessarily the IVF part that gives me guilt....it's the preimplantation genetic screening. I cannot stop thinking about those babies we won't choose to carry, all because of their genetic makeup. It makes me feel like I am being selfish, but even more it makes me angry. It makes me angry that the only explanation the doctors can come up with for our miscarriages is genetic "abnormalities." It makes me angry that there are thousands of babies BORN with Down Syndrome who do SURVIVE to be well into their 60's, but mine died before they had a chance to be born. It makes me angry that because I was born with a translocated chromosome I not only have a chance of concieving a child naturally who could have Down Syndrome, but I could also concieve a child naturally who could have Trisomy 13 and that child would also most likely die from miscarriage, still birth, or before its first birthday due to the massive amount of medical issues it would have. It makes me angry that their is a chance I could naturally concieve a perfectly healthy baby, and after four pregnancies haven't. It makes me angry that I've prayed and prayed to God to just give us a baby and instead we are given heartache followed by more heartache. Because I have the ability to concieve, because I have concieved, because Down Syndrome babies often do survive, and because there's a chance of concieving a healthy baby and we haven't-it makes me believe we aren't meant to raise our biological children...if we have to go to such extremes to have them.
HOWEVER, after a conversation that I had with my husband and a very wise woman (my 1st grade teacher Mrs. Triplett) on Saturday, I've gained a new perspective. If there was only one path to get to where we should be, why are their so many options available to us? This is not the path that we wanted, but we were lead to amazing and caring doctors who could help us. We would not be able to do this right now without the help of Baby Quest Foundation, and I truely believe that God placed us in the hearts of the board of directors who chose us...out of hundreds of couples. If someone is born with a congential heart condition that could kill them, and that was their destiny, why are their surgeries available to prolong that persons life? If someone is diagnosed with cancer and has been given a small chance of survival, why are their oncologists and procedures that can remove and kill the cancer? If someone has a stroke and could have died within 30 minutes of it, why are their emergency medicine nurses and doctors available to save the person from dying? I could go on and on about all the medical conditions that could limit someones life, or even kill them, but with the medical advancements in our society they end of surviving and thriving.
I guess what I am trying to say is, there might always be obstacles in our lives but that doesn't mean there isn't a way to survive those obstacles. As Miley Cyrus puts it, "its the climb" that matters most. Although I don't always believe that God only gives us what we can handle, I do believe he can show us signs that there is always hope if we just have faith. My goal over the next three months is to let my faith be bigger than my fear. 
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