A BitterSweet Day

Today is a very Bitter-Sweet Day. On 1-21-13 Alex and I went in for our 11 week ultrasound. It was our forth ultrasound and we expected everything was going to be just fine as it had been the previous three. I knew in my heart the weekend before it wasn't going to be fine-that our baby was gone, but I kept that secret to myself and was hoping I was going to be wrong. Hearing your baby no longer has a heart beat are the most crushing words a parent could hear, even at an early stage of pregnancy. Looking back on that day, and where we are at today, I don't know how we have made it through.

On one hand, today is a sad day because it is the "angelversary" of our son Logan. How ironic-on 1-21-13 we found out our son, who we later would find out had Down Syndrome because of 1 additional 21 chromosome that was attached to one 13 chromosome. Coincidence....or God's plan revealed? We don't exactly know when Logan's heart stopped beating, but if I had to guess it would have been just three days before because that is when I started feeling like something was going wrong.

On the other hand, today is a sweet day because it is the very beginning of our IVF cycle. Starting my period today could have sent me into a downward spiral of depression if we did not have something to look forward to, something to give us hope-because it would have been a reminder that we do not have our sweet Logan with us today. But instead, today-I know he is with us. In fact-I know he has been with us the entire time we have been moving through this process. It is not a coincidence that we received a call from Pamela at Baby Quest Foundation on November 30, 2013-one EXACT year later after finding out we were pregnant with Logan. And it is not a coincidence that on Saturday, January 18th, 2014-one EXACT year after feeling like Logan had passed-that my fortune cookie while having lunch with my nieces said "May the warm winds of heaven blow softly upon your spirit." And it certainly is not a coincidence that my period came 4 days early in December so it would arrive on the EXACT day one year later that we found out Logan's heart was not beating. I know Logan is helping God with his plan for our lives...I know he is helping God to create our miracle. And I know Logan knows we are not trying to replace him, because we love him so much.

From this day forward-our IVF journey has officially been kicked off into full gear. I know our angels will be guarding us every step of the way:)