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Friday, April 10, 2015

If only I could Help Her the way She has Helped Me

Since today is National Siblings Day, I am going to dedicate today's post about my sister.  I haven't talked a whole lot about my sister since we found out we are pregnant, other than continuously saying how grateful we are to her for giving us this opportunity.  A lot of people have asked or wondered how she has been doing now that her part in all of this is completed. So here goes.

My sister has been in an off an on again relationship for the past three and half years.  The past two and half have been torture for me to watch.  And it's only gotten worse since last year when we started talking about egg donation.  The hard part is knowing what my sister wants, and knowing I can't do anything to help her get it.  I have an immense amount of guilt that I am sitting here 22 weeks pregnant with a baby that she helped us to conceive and I can't do anything to make her relationship with this guy better or can't just magically produce the perfect man to sweep her off her feet. 

I've tried to take away her pain by telling her over and over, until I'm blue in the face, that she is a wonderful person who deserves a guy who respects her and doesn't toss her back and forth like a duffel bag. 

I've tried to tell her how much of a piece of crap I think this guy is and how she shouldn't invest all her time and energy into him when he doesn't do the same for her. 

We've (my husband and I) have tried to tell her how gorgeous she is and how she could get any man she wanted if she could just allow herself to move on without this jerk. 

I've tried to tell her how good she's doing for herself and how much better she is than this douche bag. 

But nothing has seemed to work.  Nothing makes her feel she is good enough.  Nothing makes her feel she is worthy of love.  Nothing makes her feel strong enough to walk away and stop looking back.  And I don't have a magic wand to wave in front of her to make her realize these things. 

 What do you do when your sister is hurting and you can't take away the pain?  There are few problems in life that we can truly help our siblings with.  My sister watched me in emotional pain for the last 7 years as we lost our babies one by one.  She can never take away the pain that losing them has caused me.  She has been able to lessen it by still recognizing my feelings and doing special gestures like getting me a mother's day gift or taking my niece to the cemetery and talking to her about her cousin Riley.  But she can't bring my babies back.  That's something she can't fix. 

But what she has attempted to fix is my inability to become a parent and to carry a child who I can give birth to.  She is taking away the pain of the thought of being a childless mother and my husbands pain of having no biological children. And for that....there are no words great enough to express the amount of thanks we owe to her.  So being in a situation where I can't repay the gift that she has given me and take away the pain that she has been feeling for so breaks my heart.  I want to see my sister happy just like she has wanted to see me happy. 

I honestly dream of the day that I can stand next to my sister holding her bridal bouquet with tears in my eyes as she says "I do" to the man of her dreams.  I can't wait to be able to give my speech at her wedding reception.  Crap...I'm tearing up now just thinking about it! This girl really has no idea how much she deserves to be happy and to have a completed family.  If only I could help her the way she has helped me.

Please pray that my beautiful, fun, and goofy sister finds the happiness she is so deserving of!


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