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Thursday, December 26, 2013

Christmas without Children

Today is the day after Christmas. This Christmas I found myself drifting off into my own head thinking about what should be, not only for myself, but for all the couples that I have had the privledge to know who have lost a baby or a child and who have not been able to concieve a child. I found myself sitting in church on Christmas Eve looking around at all the new babies with their happy parents and began to shed tears for our babies and the emptiness in my arms.

I saw little girls dressed in their Christmas dresses with their hair in bows and sparkly shoes and couldn't help but to wonder what would Riley look like now. She would 5 years old. What Disney character would be her favorite? Would she like Hello Kitty just like her cousin Raegan? What kind of Christmas traditions would our own family have?

Then there is Braylen, who I know would have never been concieved if Riley would have survived. He should be 3 years old now. What would his personality be like? Would he like monster trucks and race cars?

And oh our sweet sweet Logan, who should be spending his first Christmas with us this year. I cry when I think about how much love he would have brought to both of our families, what he could have taught my husband and his family about life, and about how much my nephew Austin would have loved to have another cousin who he could identify himself with. On Christmas Day I saw my niece Aliyah sitting on Austin's lap giving him a hug and telling him she loved him, and I just know how much she would have spoiled Logan rotten. I know I would have loved dressing him up in preppy Christmas sweaters and he would have been the cutest kid in the whole church. I know we would have been buying him toys to help him learn how to crawl and walk over the next couple months because I would want to make sure he was taught he does not have to be "behind" the other kids his age and can do anything they can do too.

And then there is Audrey, who also would not have been concieved if Logan had survived. But I should have been finding out if Audrey was a boy or girl just before Christmas and planning ways we were going to announce our secret to our families. I should have been excited to show off my baby bump and talk about our pregnancies with Alex's two pregnant cousins. I should have been getting baby items for Christmas; instead of a new comforter for ourselves it should have been a bedding set for Audrey.

I hate that we have gone 5 Christmas's without being able to spoil our babies. I hope and pray next year will be the year we will have a newborn to cuddle with Christmas Eve as we wait for Santa to come, to wake up to Christmas morning with excitement and Christmas spirit, to have a reason to decorate our home with holiday cheer, and to show off for all the world to see. This is my only Christmas wish-that there will be no more Christmas's without children.

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