Showered with Love

Last Sunday we celebrated Baby M by showering HIM (it's kinda crazy to say this now!) with so much love from my family and friends.  I had a perfect baby shower....other than dripping sweat from every crack of my body because it was so hot! I'm so glad I was finally able to celebrate these happy moments of my life with those that I love.  My family and friends have seen us go through a lot of years of pain and heartache, have supported us through our rounds of IVF, and have been our cheerleaders through this pregnancy.  We are so grateful to every one of them.

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the day:

 

Rainbow Themed Cake

Team Pink

Team Blue

Gender Reveal Pinata Breaker

 

My gorgeous niece giving Baby some love!

 

"Dear Auntie, You Rock" onesie from my Sister



 

A special book from a special friend 

                                                                                

Me and my friend Molly with her Rainbow Twins-how precious! 

Me and two of my nieces

Two of my high school besties!

Another best friend from High School

My Mom, Sisters, and Niece<3

My In-Laws<3

Two of my cousins lovin' on the bump!

Baby M and Miss Lydia in their Mommy's bellys!

 

 

We appreciate all the gifts we have received to help us get started on our parenting adventure.  The last couple of nights I've been staying up until 4am, after getting home from work around midnight, going through everything and organizing our gifts into category bags so we know what we have and what we still need.  This is about the best I can do with all my nesting energy since we still don't have a nursery to put anything in at the moment.  I'm really hoping our contractor starts soon so we can put things in their place before Baby M makes his appearance in 8-11 weeks! 

 

Other than being showered with all this love, Baby M is still doing great.  We had our fetal echocardiogram on Tuesday followed by a regular ultrasound.  He received a clean bill of health at both appointments! Our baby boy was weighing 2 pounds, 8 ounces on Tuesday and was measuring 5 days ahead of schedule:) We learned he is already taking after daddy and has a big head that is measuring almost 2 weeks ahead! Oh....and we verified, he's definitely a boy! The umbilical cord continues to lie right over my cervix so my OB continues to let me know a c-section is our only option at this point.  When the cord comes out first it cuts off oxygen supply to the baby and can cause stillbirth so it's not even a risk to consider.  I let my OB know that my genetic doctor, the one who manages and treats me for Homocystinuria, is recommending that I be induced around 36 weeks because it is safer for me to deliver earlier-but unfortunately she is not on board with that just yet.  I'm hoping the genetic doctor will call her like he says he is going to so we have a definite plan of action soon.  Today I am 28 weeks and received the dreaded Rho-Gam injection since I'm RH negative.  We continue to put our faith into God and pray that we will get to become this little man's parents in the very near future!

 

 

He or She....what will Baby M be?!?!

Without any further delay....we are very happy to announce, Baby M is a........................

You saw that right......Baby M is a BOY!!!! 

We are beyond thrilled....but would have been beyond thrilled if Baby M was a girl too! We are just happy that our baby is healthy and active.  We are blessed to be able to celebrate these moments finally, after 7 years, the stillbirth of our daughter, three miscarriages, a failed IVF with PGD cycle, and sacrificing my own DNA so I could carry a baby that we can still call OURS.  We had our gender reveal party with our immediate family members on May 2nd.  We had made it to 25 weeks which was the furthest we had ever been with any of our 5 pregnancies, plus it was my husband's birthday weekend.  It was so much fun to find out our baby's gender with our family and to have these moments captured in pictures:)  

Now the hard part for us is going to be to agree on a name for this little BOY! We know the middle name will be Francis after my husbands late father who died 15 years ago.  It is all kinda fitting.....we found out we were pregnant on the anniversary of my husband's father's death.  We had our 12 week ultrasound on my husband's father's birthday....which was the second big milestone for us since all our miscarriages were by 11 weeks.  We found out we are having a boy on my husband's birthday weekend. And the baby will always get to carry on the Monnier name, which is huge for my husband, plus will be named after his father who he loves and misses everyday.  The first name will have to have a meaning that symbolizes our journey to parenthood...but like I said, that's still to be decided.  

Thank you to everyone who is sharing in these special moments with us! We love having the support of all our family, friends, and followers! I had a wonderful rainbow themed baby shower today and will share those pictures with the next blog post in a few days:) 

Blue or Pink, What do you Think?!

First of all:

Can you believe it?! 27 weeks today! It's an unbelievable feeling for me....I've never known what it's like to reach the third trimester before.  My body is making me so proud this pregnancy, and this little baby is such a big miracle.  Baby M is constantly active.  The other night I couldn't sleep at all because every time I would find a comfortable spot the baby would kick the crap out of me as if I were I were laying on him or her no matter which side I layed on.  But hey....it's reassuring to know that our little love is growing and playing and doing well!

Besides finally making it to the third trimester, we are just a few days away from the big gender reveal! Sunday is my baby shower and all our friends and family who attend the shower will get to partake in the revealing of Baby M's gender.  It's going to be so much fun! After the shower I will be making a blog post to let the rest of our followers know if we are team blue or team pink:) But before we do that...I am really interested in finding out what everyone thinks!

For a little fun, I will help you out with some gender wives tales.

1.) Baby's Heart Rate: Above 140 or Below 140 - Above 140

2.) Belly Height: Carrying High or Carry Low- Carrying High

3.) Acne during Pregnancy: Yes or No- Yes

4.) Cravings: Sweet or Salty- Mostly Sweet

5.) Momma's Mood: Moody or Pleasant- Not gonna lie...Moody

6.) Momma's Beauty: Stolen Beauty or Added Beauty- According to my husband, Added Beauty

7.) Dreams of Baby's Sex: Dreams of a Boy or Dreams of a Girl- Dreams of a Girl

8.) Dad's Weight Gain: Gained Weight or Maintained Weight- Maintained Weight

9.) Morning Sickness: Yes or No- Yes

10.) Baking Soda in Urine Test: No Fizzle or Fizzle-No Fizzle

We had our gender reveal party on May 2nd with our immediate family members and our photographer was there to capture some pictures.  Here's a few of them before we all found out! There will be more to come on Sunday!

 

Let's get those guesses coming now! 

Are you Team Pink or Team Blue?!?! 



A Different Kind of Mother's Day

 

Let me start off by saying I was no more of a mother yesterday as I was seven years ago. But yesterday felt different.  There was something magical about being a few days away from the third trimester, hearing people actually telling me Happy Mother's Day, and feeling our baby kicking away from the inside of my belly.  There were no special gifts received yesterday, just a card from my husband and mother-in-law.  But that's okay...because I had the only gift that I had ever wanted growing right inside of me. 

Yesterday started off at church where I received a rose from a "mystery person" who wanted to make sure I was recognized as a mother that day.  It was such a kind and thoughtful gesture and makes me appreciate my church family so much more.  Everyone at my church is praying for this little miracle, even people that I don't know on a personal level. 

After church I stopped at my sister's house to give her a mother's day card and gift card to Buffalo Wild Wings.  I felt it was only appropriate to tell her how much she means to me.  Without her, Baby M wouldn't be with us today.  She has given me the greatest gift this Mother's Day and there is no way to thank her enough for this gift.

Once I left my sister's house, I stopped at the cemetery to pay Riley a visit.  She was my first daughter, and there is nothing in the world that can change that.  She made me a mother.  She changed my life and has taught me things about myself no one else ever could.  I left her with the rose I was given in church, because she is the reason I can celebrate Mother's Day. 

The rest of the day was spent with family; a cook-out at my sister-in-laws in the afternoon and an evening visit at my parents house.  It was a nice change to be talking about our plans for Baby M rather than sitting around feeling jealous of our family members and feeling like an outcast because my children are in Heaven and not on Earth playing on the swing set while all the adults sit around and talk.  I finished the day with a cotton candy blizzard from Dairy Queen and began my day today by ordering Baby M's crib bedding set and accessories.  I'd say that's a successful Mother's Day.

The only sour part of my day was when I told someone Happy Mother's Day and the response was "I can almost say that to you too."  It just reminds me how much I hate the term "mom-to-be."  I find it to be such a disrespectful term to pregnant woman because it insinuates that you are not a mom or mother until your baby is born alive and well.  You don't become a mother when your baby is born alive-you become a parent.  You become a mother the moment you become pregnant and there is life growing inside of you.  Everything you do changes from that moment because you have another life to think about and to protect.  Every day you grow deeper in love with that tiny baby who rapidly starts taking over your insides and changing your lifestyle.  And if or when that baby stops growing, your love doesn't stop growing.  Being a mother is about love.  It's not about how many diapers you change, or bedtime stories you read, or boogers you wipe, or bruises you heal, or hugs you receive, or homework assignments you help with, or activities you shuttle to.  Those things are what being a parent is about. 

I was a mother seven years ago and I am still a mother today. These are my babies, and they will always be my babies.

 

Riley Grace

Logan Kale

 

Audrey Rayne

 

 

Baby M

 If you've ever been pregnant, please know you are already a mother too.  And I pray someday soon you will be a parent.  If you have living children but also have children in Heaven, please know your angels are just as meaningful as your living children.  If you are still waiting, wishing, and hoping for your first positive pregnancy test, please know I pray that you will someday soon know the miracle of life growing within you and a love so deep between you and your baby.  I hope someday everyone who hurts on Mother's Day will be able to have a different kind of Mother's Day too.

The Woman Sitting Next to You

For the past seven years I have been a childless mother.  I have given birth to our stillborn daughter and buried my first child.  I have had bled out my second child.  And I have had two D&C's to have my third and forth children removed from me after they stopped developing.  I remember clearly what it was like giving birth on a maternity unit where I could hear other babies crying but our daughter was born ever so silently.  I remember the inappropriate comments from both nurses during my two surgeries at two separate hospitals-one asking me why I was crying while she was prepping me for surgery and the other asking me if I was excited when she came in the room to start my IV.  I remember the uncomfortableness of sitting in the waiting room of my doctor's offices with my empty womb as I was reminded of my inability to keep my babies alive while I was surrounded by other pregnant women.  I remember the Mother's Days filled with emptiness and depression as I watched our family members and friends celebrate their happiness with their children surrounding them.  I remember feeling angry, forgotten, misunderstood, jealous, and lonely over the past 7 years. 

Having these experiences made me wonder why there was never a separate labor and delivery wing just for the mothers who would not be able to bring their babies home with them.  It's made me wonder why nurses have not been better educated on how to provide proper support to the grieving mother.  It's made me wonder why there is not a separate waiting room in the doctor's office for the women who just found out their baby no longer has a heart beat or the women who just had their baby taken from their womb.  It's made me wonder why there are not cards that are easily found for the mother who is missing their child on Mother's Day.  Why have I had to be subjected to even more pain by seeing the happiness of the woman sitting next to me still pregnant or with her beautiful children surrounding her? That woman pisses me off. Does she know how lucky she is?  Is she grateful for what she has?  How would she feel if she were in my shoes? 

Being pregnant after loss and infertility treatments has made me stop and think about that woman that I was angry at sitting next to me in the doctor's office who was still happily pregnant while I was miserable with my empty womb.  It's made me realize that I am now that woman, and I may be triggering feelings of anger and jealousy for another woman who could be sitting in the waiting room with me now after just loosing her baby.  That woman doesn't know me or my story.  She doesn't know that I was in her shoes not just once but four times.  She doesn't know that it took two rounds of IVF to get pregnant with a baby that would not be affected by my genetic issue.  And she doesn't know that I had to sacrifice my own genetics and the baby that I am carrying was made with my sister's egg and husbands sperm.  She doesn't know the measures we have gone to treat my other underlying medical issues that could have affected my ability to carry even a genetically normal baby and the money we have invested into this pregnancy.  She doesn't know that even after all we've done different this time around, there is still a chance something could go horribly wrong because of the cord insertion that we could not have prevented and did nothing to cause.  Maybe if she knew these things about me and our growing baby she would not feel as angry, and she would know that I understand the way she feels.  So that woman that I was angry at-maybe she had been in my shoes before too.  Maybe she had lost a baby, or multiple babies, and maybe she was pregnant with her rainbow baby.  Maybe she had struggled to get pregnant for years and one day received the miracle she had been waiting and praying for.  Maybe she had spent thousands of dollars on fertility treatments and finally had success.  Maybe she was carrying a baby who would not be genetically related to her because she had to give up her genetics in order to conceive a baby at all. 

Would it really matter if we knew the story of the woman sitting next to us?  Would it make us have more empathy towards them?  Maybe.  But does anyone really deserve to know what it's like to lose a baby, or to struggle with infertility, or to figure out how to balance the emotions that come with being pregnant again after loss or infertility?  Even if the woman sitting next to you had never lost a baby or had never struggled to conceive the baby she is carrying, doesn't she deserve to feel happy and naive? Isn't that what we all wanted for ourselves too?

Other than reflecting on my thoughts lately and spewing them out in this post today, I just want everyone to consider the woman sitting next to them the next time they are in the doctor's office.  Remember we don't know their story or how they are feeling as they sit in the waiting room with us.  But regardless of their situation, no one deserves pain and we all deserve to feel a bit of happiness.  Anger and jealously are not good emotions to have, although they are a normal part of processing grief.  We just have to learn not to misplace our emotions on the stranger who may or may not have been in our shoes once too. 

Now on to Baby M updates-We passed our gestational diabetes test with flying colors! I have gained a total of 5 pounds now throughout the past 26 weeks.  My belly is still growing and changing shapes every week. I've determined Baby M is either going to be a gymnist or a kick boxer, but daddy still hasn't felt the baby kick.  I have developed some anemia now and will be starting on some Iron supplements as soon as I stop at the store to pick them up.  Next Thursday we will officially be in the THIRD TRIMESTER!  I'm getting super excited for my baby shower coming up next weekend and of course can't wait for the big gender reveal that day too! And our next appointments will be on Tuesday, May 19th-we will have the fetal echocardiogram done along with an ultrasound with our regular OB.  Life has been good....and every day we grow deeper in love with this little one we will soon get to meet!