Spirit, Lead Me

As much as I try to remain consciously positive throughout this pregnancy and as much as I try to keep anxiety and fear from creeping into my heart and mind, I can't control what happens in my sub-conscious.

This is a trigger week for me.  On January 21st, 2013 my husband and I went to our 11 week ultrasound expecting to see and hear our baby's heart beating just as we had done the previous two ultrasounds.  But that's not what happened.  There was no heart beat.  Our baby stopped growing at 10 weeks, 4 days....4 days before the appointment.  We left the appointment in silence, in anger, in confusion, in heartbreak.  I carried my dead baby in me until January 25th, 2013 when we went to the hospital at 5:30am to be prepped for surgery to have our baby removed from my body.  We never got to hold our baby.  We never got to see our baby again.

I was due August 10th, 2013.  I am now due August 14th, 2015.  Because my due dates are so close to each other, there are a lot of dates that are anxiety triggers for me.  On January 20th I was 10 weeks 4 days, according to my due date.  I had my first appointment with my OB.  She wanted to do an ultrasound, but because I was alone at the appointment and because our furthest miscarriage was 10 weeks 4 days, I asked her not to do the ultrasound.  It was too much of an anxiety trigger.  Since the appointment I thought I was doing well at thinking positive and believing that this baby is still growing strong and was going to make it through the first trimester.  But Friday night I had a dream that told me otherwise.  In my dream my OB told me that my HCG was only 389 (when it should be over 100,000) and I started freaking out and demanded an ultrasound.  The ultrasound screen showed our baby without a heartbeat.  I think I woke up after that and went to the bathroom (one of my many middle-of-the-night bathroom trips).  The next dream I remember is walking around a mall and someone stopping to tell me I was bleeding through my white jeans.  The blood was dripping out.  I was running around the mall frantically trying to find a bathroom and when I finally found the bathroom I woke up again for another pee break.  I am thankful that I woke up because I am scared what would have happened next in my dream.

I haven't had a bad pregnancy dream for at least 5 weeks.  I have tried really hard not to let the dreams get to me and to continue that positive thinking.  The reality is, no matter how hard I try not to let the past affect my present and my future, subconsciously it still affects me and most likely always will.

This morning I went to church and on my way there my Timehop app showed an update.  I looked at it and it had the lyrics to Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood.  I had posted those lyrics on our way to the hospital two years ago today when I had my first D&C.  While sitting in church during worship service the band played this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNYnXwkWrnw

It got me to tear up for many reasons.  Particularly because of these words:

Lead me where my trust is without borders.  It is such a profound request of the spirit.  As much as I would like to believe that I trust the Lord with all my mind, all my heart, and without any doubts.....I still have hesitations.  I still fear that if I trust in the Lord too much and something happens during this pregnancy that I will fall harder than I've ever fallen before.  But that fear is the voice of the devil, telling me that God isn't good to everyone, that he isn't good all the time, that God does cause pain, and that God can't take away pain.  

At the end of the worship service, the pastor called up anyone who needed prayer to the alter.  One by one I watched as members of the church stepped forward and waited for prayer over them.  All of the sudden I found myself at the alter too.  I've never been the kind of person that would go in front of an entire congregation and ask for prayer (that might sound strange since I so openly share things on here...but it's behind a computer and it feels safe to me).  So I know it was the spirit that took me by the hand and lead me to that alter.  And as I stood there the tears started flowing from my eyes as I realized how much sadness I still carry inside my heart for the babies that we have lost and how, no matter how much good news this baby brings to us, this baby can never replace the ones we have lost and can never repair my heart completely.  As I stood there I realized how scared I am about our upcoming ultrasound and how I still do not trust that nothing is going to go terribly wrong this time.  But as people came forth and laid their hands on me and prayed over me, they said the most beautiful things that were exactly what I needed to hear and I knew they were giving me messages from the Lord...messages he knew I needed in that very moment. 

I left church with a sense of peace. I feel like God is really trying to help me trust him without borders.  It's a work in progress, but every week I get a little closer.