Let the Dreams Begin

I remember so vividly when I was pregnant with Riley 7 years ago the recurrent dream I had at least once a week, if not more than that.  My teeth were constantly falling out...it was a nightmare! I would wake up in the middle of the night and feel my teeth to make sure they were still there because it seemed so real.  I finally looked up what it meant to dream about your teeth falling out and the interest said it was a sign of feeling like your life is out of your control.  Maybe I did feel like that at the time.  I was 20 years old, a senior in college, and I didn't plan on becoming a mother as soon as I graduated with my bachelors degree at the age of 21.  I had plans of going to grad school immediately after undergrad and having a baby was not going to allow me to do that.  But I eventually got over that and realized with each and every ultrasound and doppler appointment that being a mother would become my greatest accomplishment.  And it certainly didn't mean that I couldn't go to grad school eventually.  The teeth falling out dreams were soon replaced with nightmares of reliving the moments of our daughter's birth. At 4:15am every morning on the dot I would wake up drenched in sweat.  It was the exact time when I started having real contractions and my body was getting ready to delivery our sweet sleeping angel just an hour later. 

I would have taken 4 more months of my teeth falling out if it meant I would have never had to live through the nightmare of losing our daughter not just once, but every night for the next year. 

In all my subsequent pregnancies I've only ever had dreams about my miscarrying the babies. And every time those dreams turned into realty too. 

But this one has me dreaming all kinds of dreams.  Within the past week I've had two that have stood out.  In the first dream my husband and I were at the OB office and I was about 14 weeks pregnant. The doctor asked me if we wanted to know the baby's gender and we said not this early.  As we were leaving the office, the doctor made a comment and referred to the baby as a "she" and accidentally gave away the gender, upsetting us both because we didn't want to know yet.  This was the second dream where our baby came our to be a girl....and I am yet to have a dream that this baby will be a boy! It's funny because my mother-in-law, my father, and my 4 year old niece are all convinced we are having a girl. My older sister says we need another boy in the family. And I will be happy with either...but I have thought from the beginning we were going to have a boy just because we found out we were pregnant on the day my father-in-law died 15 years ago and my husband has always wanted to name his first son after his father....I just thought it would only be fitting if we have a boy.  But I will take either and will love spoiling a girl if that's what we are blessed with!

Now my second dream that I have last night...it was a doozy! My husband and I were at a concert. We were both drinking alcohol.  My husband was the pregnant one, not me! He had a cute little pregnant pop belly and all.  He told me the baby was kicking so I put my hands on his belly to feel the baby.  It was the first time I got to feel the baby kick and it was amazing. Then all of the sudden the baby started having a seizure and my husbands belly looked like the baby was trying to claw its way out! Then he started having a seizure too and I ran to a hospital near by to look for a doctor that could help us.  I couldn't find the attending OB doctor on the maternity unit but I found a bunch of resident doctors just hanging out doing nothing.  I asked them if any of them were an OB resident and one female doctor said she was.  I told her my husband was pregnant and our baby was having a seizure inside of him and then he started having a seizure.  She started laughing at me and asked "your husband is pregnant? How is that possible?" I said because he is and our baby needs your help! She kept laughing and wanted to know why my husband was pregnant and not me. So I yelled at her and told her that I can't carry babies and I've already lost 4 and my husband stepped up to the plate to carry our child for us.  When she kept laughing at me I said "And get this....it's my sister's egg and my husbands sperm!" like I was trying to get an even bigger rise out of her.  Finally I said "are you going to help save my baby or what?!" and she agreed to do an emergency ultrasound, rushing into a room to set up the ultrasound machine as I rushed back to my husband to bring him in to the hospital.  Then I woke up and realized why the doctor was laughing at me....men don't have a uterus! And then I wondered why the hell I wasn't angry that my husband was drinking alcohol while pregnant with our child! Ohhhh....if only men could be pregnant! Could you imagine?!?

Other than my crazy dreams....I just continue to be exhausted all the time.  On Saturday I stayed in my pajamas all day, didn't shower or anything.  Went to sleep in the same clothes I wore to bed the night before. On Sunday I slept until 1pm and finally decided I felt dirty enough to get up and shower.  Today I went to Columbus (2 hour drive) for an eye appointment and then drove another 1.5 hours to work....I need my bed...like 5 hours ago! I also feel like my face has gained 5 pounds already...I don't know if its because I look tired all the time of if my face is really gaining weight. And the cashier in the cafeteria today said to me "I didn't know you were pregnant...you're finally showing now. Do you know what your having?!"  Hmmm....how do I respond to that when the baby is the size of a raspberry and I'm 8.5 weeks pregnant?  "No we don't know yet."  Yup. That's all I said, realizing the shirt I'm wearing today does make me look 6 months pregnant and I wish I could say this was all baby! At least I don't have to say "I'm not pregnant...I'm just fat" anymore...that's a plus I guess!

We are still a week away from our next ultrasound...seems like it's already been 5 weeks since our last one! We can't wait to see our baby again and will be sure to post pictures and an update when we do! I hope everyone who is experiencing the first trimester symptoms can find some humor and gratefulness through it all!