What to expect...when waiting to be expecting??

 

I feel like yesterday was such a high for all of us-me, my husband, and my sister. It was so exciting to hear we were starting out with 23 eggs. We had such high hopes that a good majority of them were going to be mature enough for fertilization. We were starting out with almost half as many eggs as what we started out with during our first IVF cycle using my own eggs. Those starting numbers really do change how you feel the cycle is going to turn out in the end.

Realistically I knew a good chunk were going to be immature. But I thought today we would get a phone call saying we had somewhere between 12-15 fertilized eggs that have started divided into 2 cells. I thought that was a realistic number. After going through a failed cycle in March...I thought I knew what to realistically expect. So last night my husband and I cuddled up in bed and were excited about what today's news was going to bring to us.

This morning at 7:00am I woke up to prepare my first Progesterone injections. I prepared one for each side of my bum like the nurse told me too. While I was preparing the injections and my husband was in the shower I told him I had a really good dream last night and that the nurse emailed me a fertilization report saying there were 16 mature eggs and 15 of them fertilized. He responded "that would be awesome news to get today" and then made my bum bleed by giving me my Progesterone injections. I returned to bed and he left for work.

All morning long as I layed in bed trying to sleep I anxiously waited for the phone call from the nurse. Every time the phone rang I jumped up and was disappointed when it wasn't the fertility clinic. I fell back asleep finally and had another dream that put me in a funk. This time the the nurse told us that the majority of eggs we just a smidge too small to be considered mature so they were only able to fertilize 12 eggs. Ugh...15 to now 12. I know for many they would say 12...that's a great number! But I guess if you haven't gone through this process or haven't had a failed IVF you wouldn't understand why the high the number of fertilized eggs the better the success of the cycle will be.

Then I thought...12 is still good. I can deal with 12. It will be okay if they call and say we have 12 today. What I wasn't prepared for was the email stating out of the 23 eggs that they collected yesterday, only 11 were mature and only 8 fertilized. My stomach dropped. That's only 2 more fertilized eggs than we had when we did our last cycle.

The only way I know how to described this feeling is comparing it to a drug addict who is on a great high, and then the high starts wearing off and they become paranoid. That's where I'm at today. Paranoid. Afraid. Scared. Worried. Anxious. Or lets compare it to that ride at the amusement park where you are strapped in to a seat with your feat dangling and it gradually lifts the seats up a tall pole. The ride up is exciting, a little scary but exciting. Then when you least expect it the ride drops and your stomach is suddenly in your throat. I think it's called the Demon Drop or Power Tower at the amusement parks here in Ohio. It just feels like my stomach is sitting in my throat.

This whole IVF thing is the most un-natural experience I've ever had. I felt that way the first time too. I hate the waiting game. I hate knowing that we just created 8 babies who are sitting in an incubator in a lab and they are going to grow outside of me for the first 3-6 days of their development. I hate knowing that some are likely going to stop growing between now and our next update on Saturday. And some might stop growing between Saturday and our embryo transfer. When you are waiting to be expecting, it's like your sitting on pins and needles waiting for your next update and praying that all 8 lives you just created will survive.  You become a momma bear and want to protect your cubs but you can't...it's out of your control.

So I guess that's how I'm going to keep myself sane these next three days. Remind myself-it's out of my control. We've done all we can do. My sister has done amazing. She did her part. She can't control how many of her eggs that my husband's sperm fertilized. My husband did his part. He can't control how many of his sperm fertilized my sister's eggs either. It's in God's hands, and the embryologist's hands I guess. It's either going to work, or it won't. It will be what it's supposed to be. I just pray that this will work, and that it will be, and that it is supposed to be. Not just for the sake of me and my husband's emotions, but also for the sake of my sister. I don't want to feel like we failed her. I don't want her to feel that her efforts weren't good enough or that she went through all this for nothing. I want to give her a God Child, another niece or nephew, an amazing miracle that she helped us create.

 

Please say some extra special prayers for us and our 8 newly created embies. Please pray that they all continue to grow over the next few days and that we have two great ones we can transfer next week and even a few to freeze for our future. Please pray for our sanity and peace. Please pray that our golden egg child(ren) is in this bunch!