Happy Adoption Day!

A year ago my husband and I adopted our first living baby....our fur baby, Miss Farrah! You may wonder, what does this have to do with our journey, but I can tell you it has so much. Last year me and one of my friends from grade school had been becoming pretty close through Facebook because she and I both had miscarriages around the same time as each other. When my husband and I found out we were losing a fourth baby on October 7th, 2013, I told him I wanted a pet. I needed something that I could nurture and feel a motherly connection to on this Earth. The friend that I mentioned had posted a picture of this adorable orange stripped kitten that her mom was fostering until she could be adopted. I saw the picture and fell in love instantly! My husband really wanted a dog, but when I showed him the picture of the kitten he kinda fell in love too:) So on October 12, 2013 I drove to my friend's mom's house to pick up our new daughter! She was 3 months old when we got her. She was a very important part in my recovery process throughout my miscarriage.  As a kitten, she was so loving and was a cuddle bug.

It's been an amazing experience watching our little kitten grow into a cat. It's been fun to watch how her personality is changing. What is even more amazing is knowing all of her likes/dislikes and knowing just how she is going to react to a given situation. I assume this is much like watching a baby grow and meet milestones and become their own individualized person.

Over the past year this what we have learned about our fur baby:

1.) She loves Daddy more than Mommy :( That's right....we have a Daddy's Girl and it makes me sad!

2.) When Daddy leaves for work though she loves to lay in bed with Mommy until I have to get up too. This is about the only time she actually sleeps in our bed.

3.) Farrah loves loves loves attacking feet and even likes to wrap herself around our legs to give us hugs when we get home from work.

4.) She would much rather drink water from the bathroom tub facet than her own water bowl. She spends a lot of time in the bathtub waiting on water to drip.

5.) Sitting in the window seals when the windows are open feeling the breeze from the outside and watching kids and birds play is her favorite past time.


6.) Farrah might have hallucinations. She attacks things that aren't there and wiggles her but when she gets really excited over nothing.

7.) I should know better than to leave my hair tie on the bathroom counter when I get into the shower because when I get out it won't be there anymore-she will have it in the living room playing with it. That never fails. She plays with my hair ties more than her own toys.

8.) Sometimes I think our cat is on crack with the amount of energy she gets from out of no where. She can be as calm as a cucumber and then all of the sudden starts running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.

9.) Orange cat can jump. She is so curious about things that are high up that she will jump 5 feet onto any surface to see what is up there.

10.) She hates to cuddle-definitely not a lap cat. But the cutest site ever is on Sundays when Alex and I are laying on the couch watching t.v. and shes right there next to us or in between us taking a nap and staring at us.

11.) If we shut Farrah out of our room, she will bang on our door all night long until we let her in. If we are outside having a camp fire, she will bang on the screen door because she knows we are out there. She has recently started banging on the shower door while we are taking a shower. I think she loves being around us:)

12.) I took Farrah outside with me twice and held her in my arms on the front porch, now any chance she gets she tries to sneak by us to get outside when we open the door. She got out once and didn't know but found her an hour an a half later sitting next to the car that was parked in front of our house. She didn't even try to run away! We have such a good cat!


I am sure I could go on and on. I just felt like a fun post today since nothing else is going on right now with our Egg Donor Cycle. In a few days we should have some more news for you though. Stay tuned!

Having Mixed Emotions

We got our IVF cycle calendars yesterday. Seeing specific dates down on paper makes me really excited and hopeful, and it makes me really bummed and scared.  If all goes as planned, according to our IVF calendar, my sisters egg retrieval will be on November 19th, our embryo transfer will be on November 24th, and our first beta pregnancy test will be on December 3rd.

December 3, 1999 my husbands father was pronounced dead.  My husband was a 15 year old boy and naturally developed so much anger when he lost his father at such a young age.  This year marks the 15 year anniversary since his father died.  I don't even know how to think or feel about our pregnancy test day falling on this day.  Is it a sign? Is his dad going to pull a favor with God on our behalf? Is my husbands father going to help make my husband a parent finally? Or is this just going to be one more heart breaking day in my husbands life? Is he going to have to feel the pain of his father being gone now for 15 years AND the pain of another failed IVF cycle?  I really hope that this is a good sign and when we get the phone call from the nurse with the results of our blood work that day we can drop to our knees crying tears of gratitude and not tears of despair, anger, and resentment.  For right now, I need to believe in this quote: 

Things are getting very real for me.  I'm already starting to get emotional about what may or may not happen and I've only just begun week 2 of birth control.  I'm still waiting on my sister to start her period this coming weekend so she can start her birth control too.  We have all the meds ordered for both me and my sister and we have my sisters first two appointments during the cycle scheduled. Dr. This talked to Dr. Braverman in New York today so that takes care of the last bit we needed to get arranged for my treatment protocol.  Lord knows I'm going to be an emotional wreck as we get closer and closer to that egg retrieval date.  

Hoping all my friends going through cycles this month and next have success and are blessed with the beautiful babies they deserve:) 

Inside the Heart of a Mother

Today is the 5th day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Today's Capture Your Grief's prompt is "Journal." Since I was a teenager, writing has always been my way of coping with heartache and the stresses of life. I've written poems, I've kept diaries, I've scrapbooked my entire life practically. My blog is now my journal. This is how I am coping. I am miles from the person I was before I started blogging. There is less anger, less resentment and jealousy towards other people, and less over-reacting to what people say to me. It's freed me in a lot of ways.

Today I want to share the feelings that I had the very last time I was pregnant. I had started a scrapbook and wrote my feelings down and glued them into the scrapbook for that corresponding week. My husband is the only other people who has seen this scrapbook and has read the things that I wrote. I am ready now to share these feelings with the world, or anyone who feels like reading. These are the words straight from a Mother's Heart.

Positive pregnancy test: September 6, 2013

"After trying to conceive for the last four months, our fertility doctor, Dr. Mark Bidwell, agreed to retest my progesterone level on Tuesday September 3rd to determine if I would need progesterone supplements to conceive a baby. When the results came back on Thursday September 5th at 16.8 the doctor was pleased with my level. I thought 'hmmm....maybe I should take a pregnancy test tomorrow because this was higher than it had been a few months ago.' On Friday September 6th while I was getting ready for work, I anxiously waited my pregnancy test results. It seemed like it took hours to process, and then finally....PREGNANT! I couldn't believe my eyes and took several double takes! You, my sweet baby, were already busy at work growing in mommy's belly:) I was so excited to surprise daddy so I sent him a picture of the positive test but he didn't respond so I had to call him. He was as shocked and as happy as I was! We talked about you being our Rainbow Baby, about how God sent me signs on Mother's Day this year that you, our Rainbow Baby, would be here by next Mother's Day....and here you are! You will be due to arrive in May:) I knew if you were truly our Rainbow Baby I would need to inform the doctors immediately and start any medication I would need to help you continue to grow. Dr. Bidwell  retested my progesterone and HCG the day we found out you existed. HCG was 30!"

Week 5:

"We have progressed to 5 weeks my sweet baby! This week has been full of so many emotions. Your daddy and I have continued to be excited and over the moon about your pure existence:) On Monday September 9th Dr. Bidwell's office called to inform me my progesterone went from 16.8 last Tuesday to 17.6 on Friday, three days later. The nurse said they are 'cautiously optimistic' and wanted me to retest on Tuesday morning, By Tuesday afternoon I got the call saying my progesterone was 17.5 and HCG was 55. The nurse seemed concerned that my levels weren't rising as fast as they should. Dr. Bidwell decided to put me on progesterone supplements and wanted me to retest my levels on Thursday. So on Thursday morning I had my blood re-drawn and prayed so much for my levels to be increasing. Your daddy and I also had our first ultrasound to make sure you are not growing in mommy's tube. Thank God you're not! To both our surprise, Dr. Kovac should us mommy ovulated TWO eggs this month meaning there could be not just one, but TWO of you! How wonderful! I think Daddy is nervous about that though! Dr. Bidwell's nurse called Thursday afternoon stating my progesterone went up to 20.5 and HCG up to 82. Still not good enough. Dr. Bidwell bumped me up to progesterone twice a day now. I pray this helps you!"

Week 6:

"What a relief this week has been! After 7 straight nights last week of having nightmares that I was having a miscarriage with you, it has been a much better week. On Monday I had my hormone levels re-drawn and Tuesday Dr. Bidwell called with fantastic news! Mommy's HCG was now 330 and progesterone was now 30! The nurse finally said they are 'hopeful' rather than 'cautiously optimistic.' This certainly calmed my anxiety! We get blood drawn again tomorrow. Fingers crossed all is well:)"

September 24th, 2013-6 weeks + 2 days

"Today we had our second ultrasound. Although I am disappointed we didn't get to see you or hear your little heart beat, I am happy the doctor's tell us everything is still progressing as it should. We even got this picture to show you certainly are working hard at growing in mommy's belly! Yesterday Dr. Bidwell's office called to tell my my HCG was now 1840 and progesterone is 80. You are getting plenty of progesterone now so I hope next week my HCG has continued to rise:) Love you tons!"

Week 7:

"Dear Baby Monnier, You are now 7 weeks old in mommy's belly! This past week was quite uneventful after we had our ultrasound. Although we can't see you yet, we know you are there and you are so very loved already! Mommy and Daddy cannot wait until next Monday to get to see you and hear your beautiful heart beating. I pray for you every day and every night that God provides you and us with the opportunity to one day cuddle with each other, give you kisses, rock you to sleep, and watch you grow into a healthy child."

Week 8:

 "Sweet Baby Monnier, What a week it has been. On Monday Dr. Bidwell's office called to tell me my HCG has increased to 7718 but my progesterone decreased to 59. The doctor isn't worried but it's so hard for me not to worry about you. Mommy's emotions have been in full force this week. I've been thinking a lot about your siblings. I wish more than anything for you to meet them, but only when God sends them down from Heaven to play with you as you are growing up. I can't bare to send you to Heaven to play with them. Tomorrow is our 8 week ultrasound and I am so anxious. I continue to pray we will see progress with your growth and that we will hear your heart beating. I want you to always know, no matter what, we love you!"

October 7th, 2013-8 weeks + 1 day

"Today we got the news I've been so fearful of. Once again our hearts are broken with the pain of losing another baby. My womb is empty...Baby Monnier, you never grew past 5 weeks. We had so much hope that you would be our Rainbow Baby. My thoughts are racing with questions about why this happened to us, to you. Why we weren't given the opportunity to raise you. Why God sent me false hope only to cause my heart to crash again. I told you no matter what that we love you, and that will never change. You will always be my baby angel."

October 17th, 2013-9 weeks + 4 days

"This last week has been hard to accept you're gone. I had to have one more ultrasound to be 100% sure before I let you leave my body. Baby Monnier, you will always be loved unconditionally. You are mommy's 4th little butterfly. On October 19th I took the medication the doctors gave me and I thought for sure I had passed your placenta that. It hurt me seeing pictures of your newborn cousin, Marcus, when you my baby didn't have a fighting chance. On Monday the doctor told me your placenta was still in my womb. Tuesday, I think I passed it again."

I stopped writing what happened next because it just got too hard. I was trying everything I could to miscarry as naturally as possible and every three days when I had an ultrasound the doctors kept telling me there was still placental tissue inside me. I ended up getting a D&C on November 1st, 2013. We had genetic testing done and found out on December 6th that our sweet Baby Monnier was actually sweet baby Audrey Rayne. Audrey had Down Syndrome just like her brother Logan who died in January 2013 between 10 & 11 weeks while pregnant with him. Losing Audrey is what made Alex and I decide to try fertility treatments. We just could not continue to get pregnant on our own knowing that every time there was a very large risk of miscarriage. Unfortunately, our first IVF cycle did not work for us. The last time I was pregnant was with Audrey at this time last year. It has been such a stressful and draining year. I just want to have one pregnancy where everything goes right and where I do not have to live in fear and anxiety. I hate thinking about how much time has passed in between each and every baby we have been pregnant with, and yet, we have never been able to take any one of them home. It's about time we get to take a baby home isn't it?

A Different kind of 2WW

A 2WW is the 2 weeks of waiting between the day of ovulation and the day of expected period. It can also be the 2 weeks between the egg retrieval day and pregnancy test day. In the trying to conceive world, these 2 weeks can be torture-especially when trying to conceive for multiple years. All you want is to be able to finally see those two pink lines on a pregnancy test or to hear from your doctor that you are finally expecting your miracle.

I'm in a different kind of 2WW right now. I started my period yesterday which means I get to start my birth control tomorrow for our Egg Donor IVF cycle. I won't know anything more about our treatment plan until my sister starts her period, which is exactly 2 weeks away-hence the 2WW! While there is not as much riding on this 2WW and no pregnancy test to be taken at the end of it, I am a bit nervous to see how this cycle is going to go once my sister starts her period and is expected to start hormone injections and has blood work and ultrasounds every 2-3 days. I don't really know how to feel right now. I am not overly confident that this will work for us like I have been in the past about other pregnancies and fertility treatments. I am not overly scared that this will fail for us either. I think I just have a more realistic sense that this might work or it might not work.

I know what I have control over and what I do not. I have control over myself. I have control over being compliant with my own medications and advocating for medication changes when I feel it's necessary. I have control over what I eat and drink. I have control over what I do to help make the embryo transfer successful. I don't have control over my sister remembering to take her pre-natal vitamins and injections every day. I don't have control over when the egg retrieval will be. I don't have control over how many eggs my sisters ovaries will stimulate or how many eggs the doctor will get for us or how many eggs will be mature enough for fertilization. I don't have control over my husband remembering to take his vitamins before he goes to bed, mostly because I'm not home when he goes to bed or I would be hounding him with reminders. I don't have control over rather or not my husband drinks on bowling league nights since I'm at work and not with him. I don't have control over how many eggs will get fertilized with my husband's sperm or how good of quality the sperm will be. I do have control over rather or not we do ICSI-which reminds me I need to tell the clinic we WILL do ICSI to be on the safe side. I don't have any control over how well the embryos will grow or how many will make it to day 5 and will either be able to be transferred or frozen. And I don't have any control over rather or not I end up pregnant after all this. All I can do is try the things that I have learned help increase the success of implantation-acupuncture, aspirin, lovenox, prednisone, Intralipids,and eat plenty pineapple core...all of which we did not do last time around. Any other suggestions on what to do would be much appreciated. In this situation where I have little control, the more I feel like I have some control the better.

Speaking of control-there are a lot of opinions on what my sister is doing for us by donating her eggs to us. There are people who have tried and are trying to talk her out of it because they think it is "wrong" or "weird." All I really have to say is that if this is not God's plan for us-it won't work for us. If it does work for us, then obviously God has allowed it to work and it's not "wrong" or "weird," its beautiful. This is not an ideal situation for any of us. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would carry a baby who was not made directly from my own DNA. Never in a million years would my husband have thought that he could be creating a baby with another woman just so I could have the chance to carry that child inside me and he could have a chance at having a biological child. Never in a million years would my sister have thought she would have to do something so intimate as donating her eggs for any of her siblings. All three of us have struggled with the uncomfortable feelings surrounding our decision and have thought about the implications on our personal lives, our marriage/relationships, and our children's lives. We have talked to each other openly about how we feel, and understanding how the other person feels has helped us all to think differently and become more considerate of each other. This decision impacts the three of us and our children more than it impacts anyone else, and the three of us are content with our decision to see where this adventure could take us. So those of you who think, believe, and feel differently...I will just pray for you that God opens up your eyes to see this as a beautiful gift of love and sacrifice and not as a sick and twisted way of having children. As long as the three of us always respect each others roles involved in the process and in raising our children-we won't have any problems with one another. We would all appreciate a drama free cycle and drama free life if this does work out for us. I personally believe the world would be a better place and couples would not feel as lonely with their infertility struggles if more people had a sibling like Alex and I have. If you have the ability to donate eggs or sperm to a sibling going through infertility-why not? It's the single most greatest act of kindness and love that you could do.

If you are supportive of us, stay tuned for more updates as we make our way through this first 2WW!

A Toast to The Journey!

So many times throughout this Egg Donor IVF process I've worried that the wheels on the bus that has kept us moving forward were going to some how go flat or fall off. I can't believe we started this process back in May and its almost October now. There have been times along the way that I thought my sister would unscrew the wheels to the bus herself and would run as fast as she could away before I could tackle her to ask for the wheels back. In other words, I didn't know if this was REALLY going to happen for us or not.

But today....my sister completed her LAST screening appointment before we can truly begin our Egg Donor Cycle! She met with the fertility doctor to complete a physical, and I think a family medical history questionnaire-I'm not sure about that part, and some more blood work. And then we met with the IVF nurse coordinator to go over a rough schedule for our cycle. Holy crap-$h!+ just got Real! We are Finally, Finally, Finally...did I say Finally? Done with all the preapproval, precycle testing and paperwork!! And the Angels sang Hallelujah!!!

What do we do now? We wait. We wait for Aunt Flo to pay me a visit so I can start my birth control pills. I expect her to knock on my door next weekend and I will gladly invite her in for a few days. Then we wait some more for Aunt Flo to travel on down to my sisters house...which should occur around October 12th, and then my sister can restart her birth control three days later. We will both be started on Lupron injections to keep our ovaries quiet sometime in October. I have no clue when I will start my Lupron, but my sister should start hers around the last weekend in October. We don't have any more appointments with the fertility doctors until the end of October. That's when my sister has to go back, repeat the physical and blood work she had done today and learn how to give herself injections.

I know she is terrified about the injections. I think everybody is until they do a few of them. Then they realize they aren't terrible, especially if it's only for a short time. Every appointment that she has taken the time our of her busy schedule to accommodate for us and for our cycle, I've given her small gifts to show her how much we appreciate what she is doing for us. I hope that is making this process a little easier for her. Today she got two new scarfs to dress up her outfits with. Her next appointment she will get an extra special gift to let her know she is the best sister a girl could ask for:)

Stay tuned as the wheels on the bus keep turning and moving us forward! For right now, let's make a toast to the journey so far-May the days ahead be brighter and full of sunlight, and may the dark clouds that have been hovering over us the past two years be casted away with an arising Rainbow!

There's Hope in Front of Me

Two day's ago I wrote about how my faith is what gets me through the storms I've been through within the past six years. I had one person comment on Facebook that she's glad that faith "always works out" for me but felt the need to tell me she is an Atheist. My response was that faith doesn't always work everything out for me, because if it did I would not be doing fertility treatments and would not have lost even one baby let alone four. I also simply told her everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. She then felt she should respond by saying "exactly, that's why I don't post anything in this group about Atheism."

I don't know why I always feel like I need to explain myself to people. I shouldn't. But I do. I don't like upsetting anyone honestly, and don't want people to think I'm a know it all or preaching to them. So I want to make it clear that what I write, what I share-it has nothing to do what what I want people to believe and it certainly is not to preach to them. Our experiences in life shape us into the person we are. We get our beliefs from our up-bringing from our parents/family and then we change our beliefs along the way as we grow into adults and experience different situations in life. People who are Christians, or who are spiritual in any way, are not people who have perfect lives where nothing bad has ever happened to them. And they are also not people who have never questioned God's intentions or abilities. I question them...all the time. I am far from the person who goes to church every weekend. I've been angry with God. Sometimes I wanted to believe there was no such thing as a God. Sometimes I've felt like my daughter is just dead in the ground and I would never see her again because there really is no Heaven. These moments of anger and questioning though, for some reason, they don't last long for me and I am always brought back to a position where I can see life for what it has been and what possibilities are in my future. This is my own personal experience, not yours, so I don't expect you to feel the same way as I do.

For those of you that commented with things like "I needed this tonight," I am happy you felt a connection with what I wrote. If any of my posts inspire or help just one person, I feel like I'm doing what I was called to do with this blog.

OK-so now that that's out of the way....I can write about my appointment with my "NEW" Doctor today. I met with Dr. Thie who is the physician that partners with my fertility clinic and who was willing to take over my care and work with Dr. Braverman in New York to ensure that I could get the immunological treatment that Dr. Braverman is recommending. The appointment went rather well I think. We went over my history with recurrent pregnancy loss and failed IVF w/PGD. We discussed the upcoming Egg Donor cycle and how we would manage all of my medical issues that we are aware of at this point.

I feel good after talking with Dr. Thie. She was very nice and seemed to understand how important it is to us to make sure we have done everything possible to make this cycle work for us. She has yet to consult with Dr. Braverman but will be doing so within the next week. She was okay with ordering the medication that I informed her that he told me he wanted me on, but she will check with him regarding the dosing and how often blood work will need to be ordered. Her nurse checked with the hospital where they have sent people for IVIG (intravenous immunoglobulin) therapy to see if they would be able to do the Intralipid infusions that I would be on. They said they have not done those infusions before but believe they would be able to order the supplies and do the infusions for me, which would be more convenient than driving an hour and half out of my way to another part of the state where I thought I would need to go for them. So we will see how that all gets worked out. My first infusion would be in November, two weeks before our embryo transfer.

Dr. Thie does not think I need the laparoscopy completed or does not think it would increase our chances any more of getting pregnant/carrying a baby to term. I am okay with proceeding without it for now. We will re-visit this issue if our first transfer does not result in being pregnant. She does think I have all the signs of PCOS. But did explain that its really a hard thing to diagnosis. She is basing her diagnosis on my Insulin levels, my weight gain, my acne, hair growth (I get to pluck hairs around my belly button, its lovely), and the amount of follicles she saw today on my ultrasound. I had 20 follicles just in my left ovary. I don't think they could tell on my right because I had just ovulated a few days ago so there was a corpus lutium cyst taking up most of that ovary. I find it all very interesting to be honest. All my pain, which I've always thought was ovulation pain, is on my left side. But every time I have an ultrasound after ovulation or while pregnant-I've ovulated from the right side. And then back in March when I attempted to see what a naturalist had to say about my issues and she looked into my eyes (she's also an iridologist, she told me my left ovary was inflamed. And then during my egg retrieval my left ovary was so incredibly painful, since I was unmedicated, that I started yelling that it hurt and the doctor had to stop the retrieval. So there is something up with that left ovary-PCOS or Endometriosis....but something is up. OH well-as far as I'm aware-since we are doing donor eggs, my ovaries won't affect my pregnancy, so I'm not going to let myself worry much about that piece for now.

Other than that-she ordered some blood work to check a few more things out. She told me to decrease my Metformin back to 1000 mg from 1500mg because, well, I have had some not so pleasant side effects that have kept me on the toilet every 10-20 minutes throughout the night several times now. That's not healthy. And it interferes with my sleep. And my husbands. Hopefully going back down to the lower dose will help that issue. I will continue everything else that I currently take. Oh, and I will be starting out on Progesterone injections but will test my level after taking it for 7 days and will supplement with suppositories if the injections aren't getting my level up.

Next week, or the week after, whenever I start my period, I will start my birth control regimen. Then I will wait for my sister to start her next period around October 12th and we will be full force into our Egg Donor cycle! I am sooo ready to get started and see where this is going to take us in our journey to parenthood. After today's appointment with Dr. Thie, I feel like there's hope in front of me. I feel like there is no reason right now to believe this isn't going to work for us. I know the reality is that it might not-but we will cross that bridge if we come to it. I believe we are taking control this time and doing what we can to make this successful on our end, so we just need my sister's ovaries to cooperate and produce healthy, mature eggs for us.

Because I love this song and it came into my life when I needed it the most, I will share it with you. Every last word is perfect for what we have been through. No matter how bad it gets, there is always hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KIhYZQ_ovw

Carried by Faith

Yesterday I was sitting in church. I hadn't been in a few Sunday's because life has just been busy between work, my car accident, and the golf outing...and sometimes I just want to sleep in with my husband for once. I found myself doing something I don't normally do yesterday. I love Christian rock worship music, but when it comes to worshiping in public, I tend to me more reserved. In my car I will belt the tune out and cry out of sadness, anger, or even happiness. But in church, I just tap my feet and hands to the beat of the song and sometimes sway a little back and forth. Yesterday though, I felt my arms rising as I closed my eyes and worshipped God with all of my body.

It hit me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. But in a freeing kinda way. Not a weighted down kinda way. For the past 7 years of my life, since I got pregnant with Riley in September 2007 as a senior in college and was terrified about my future, I have been carried by faith. Through the scary, through the joy, through the heartbreak, through the uncertainty, through the anger, through the challenges....faith has carried me the entire time.

People ask me how I have stayed so strong. How I have any hope in the future. How I have managed to make it through the loss of four babies. I've never really known the answer to be honest. But now I do.

My faith is so much stronger than I have ever let myself believe. I've always been more spiritual than the rest of my family, but I don't think I accepted God into my life until I lost Riley on March 1, 2008. The support group I attended had somewhat of a religious component to it. It introduced me the music that I love to listen to no matter the mood I'm in, no matter the situation going on in my life. It is soothing to my ears, my heart, and my soul. I've been listening to it ever since. And just about every song that I hear, I can apply it to my life in some way and it gives meaning to all this crap we've been trenching our way through.

At times I've felt like God is never there for me, especially when I need him. But I realize now he has been with me the entire time. He's been there to pick me up when I'm down, has pulled me from the water when I'm drowning, has been my feet when I felt I couldn't take one more step, has given me shelter when the storm is raging, and has been the voice inside me that says Keep Going, Don't Quit Now.

Along this journey to becoming parents, I don't know what the ultimate plan is for us. Every time when it seems like one option is turning into a dead end, something happens that makes it seem like we are still moving in the right direction. After we lost Logan in January 2013, we thought we would try IVF with PGD. When we didn't get chosen for the Baby Quest Foundation grant in May 2013, we thought we would try to get pregnant again on our own. When we got pregnant again in August 2013 we thought that was the answer to our prayers. When we miscarried in October 2013 for the 4th time, and we re-applied for the Baby Quest Foundation grant...we told ourselves if we weren't selected then IVF was not meant to be and we would adopt. When we got selected for the grant in November 2013, we thought once again it was the answer to our prayers....we were still going to be able to have a biological child. When our IVF cycle went smooth the entire time, we thought it was a sure thing-that we would get a biological child out of the embryos we were about to create, and then the doctors became concerned about my estrogen rising too quickly and possibly having ovarian hyperstimulation....but I didn't and we went on as scheduled. Once we had the egg retrieval and everyday got a phone call with decreasing numbers, I thought it wasn't going to work for us and we were supposed to adopt instead. When one out of four embryos came back with an incomplete genetic result and the other three had confirmed genetic issues, I was sceptical but thought God just didn't want to spoil the gender surprise so early. When our pregnancy test came back negative, I was crushed and thought about adoption again. But within a few days me and my sister talked and she offered us her eggs....which was close enough to having a biological child. When there were doubts of my sister going through with the egg donation, I thought this isn't what we are supposed to be doing. Then we talked and she was completely on board...so I had hope again that this would be it. But then there was a chance she wasn't going to be approved....and once again I thought, this isn't meant to be. Then she got approved. Then I was told my doctor wouldn't do the immunological co-management with the doctor in New York, and I felt stuck, but within a week heard from the clinic that another doctor was willing to take over my case so we could get the immunological treatment.

So here we are. Everything that I thought was going to stop us from going forth with this egg donor cycle has been resolved. Yet I'm not 100% sure this is the path God choose for our life, and I won't know until we are at the end of the cycle and have used up every viable embryo that gets created out of this cycle or until we have a baby in our arms 9 months after the cycle is over. It's either going to work for us, or it won't. It's that simple I guess. And all I can do is let my faith carry me through this wave of hope and fear and wait to see where the wave lets me land. If it works, I will be over the moon. If it doesn't work, I will be devastated again. But either way-my faith will continue to carry me to the child that was created just for us. I have faith that there will be a child at the end of all this. Someway, Somehow.

I will leave you with this song that has become a favorite of mine. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVEqA1hFmls