Follow your Intuition, Always

A woman knows by intuition, or instinct, what is best for herself.

-Marilyn Monroe

Since January 2013 I have had an overwhelming gut feeling that my doctors are wrong. That my babies did not die because they had Down Syndrome. That something else was the cause to their death. That my own body was a baby killer. That I have an un-diagnosed disease that is to blame. That there HAS TO BE another explanation.

I gave my doctors the benefit of the doubt. All my blood work came back normal. Except my TSH (thyroid-stimulating hormone) was on the high side of normal and my progesterone was on the low side of normal-both things we can correct with some Synthroid and Progesterone supplements. There really was not other explanation-it was the translocated chromosome that continued to cause our babies to have genetic problems and subsequently die before ever being given the opportunity to be born. So we tried to do something about that..we were tired of getting pregnant with babies that were just going to die and cause us continued emotional pain. We followed our doctors recommendations, against all moral values, and attempted IVF with pre-implantation genetic testing. And that failed to even get us pregnant.

What options are we left with? My eggs suck, apparently. They carry genetic disorders. Some that are absolutely deadly-monosomy 13, monosomy 21, and trisomy 13, and some that are "usually" deadly-Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome). Not only do they carry these genetic disorders, but we found out during my IVF that I create many immature eggs that aren't suitable for fertilization. We don't want to waste any more time or money on my eggs-so the solution? Let's use my sisters. She's young and fertile and doesn't carry the translocation and has a healthy child-all great signs that this could be our ticket to having a family.

Yet my inner voice says, that's just a start. That's not my only issue. That could get me pregnant with a beautifully healthy baby, but is my body going to nourish and be able to carry that baby to live birth? Every doctor that I've spoken to tells me yes. But something tells me no. Something tells me this storm is never going to end unless I seek the answers to this voice inside me.

So I did just that. I learned about Dr. Braverman in New York from a fellow recurrent loss mom in one of my online support groups. I did my research on him-he specializes in recurrent pregnancy loss and recurrent failed infertility treatments. He finds answers for women that other doctors don't. We had our testing done in May and we finally got our results yesterday. Every review I read about him was correct-our appointment started an hour and a half late. And he was dressed like a bum with holes in his jeans and a regular Joe off the street shirt. But I am so very glad to have had his testing completed and to have gotten a second opinion from him because now I know my intuition was absolutely correct.

Here are Dr. Braverman's opinions:

#1-My fasting insulin level is too high. Interesting. Kettering Reproductive and Ohio Reproductive had no problem with my level being 17.3 in January before we began our IVF cycle. Yet I found out from a friend who was also going to Kettering Reproductive for IUI treatments that they told her they wanted her insulin level to be below 10. So why wouldn't they want mine before 10 too? That doesn't make any sense. I asked my new doctor about this just 2 weeks ago and he didn't seem concerned either. He did retest me though and my level came back this time at 20. 7. While this is within normal range...this is the very high end of normal, and just like my TSH was at the very high end of normal-this needs to be treated and needs to come down before we attempt another pregnancy. According to Dr. Braverman-he believes I have polycystic ovarian syndrome(PCOS) due to my high Insulin level and the large amount of follicles in my ovaries. He explained that the high insulin levels would cause my ovaries to produce lots of eggs, but lots of very bad quality eggs. He said women with high insulin levels are at risk of hyperstimulation during IVF cycles. Having high Insulin levels and PCOS causes miscarriages too.

The interesting part is two-fold. I've had concerns that maybe, just maybe I have PCOS. It's been a fleeting thought though. One that crossed my mind for a quick second and then I said nah...I can get pregnant too easily and no doctor ever mentioned any cysts on my ovaries or have ever mentioned this as a possibility. But I have a few symptoms-30 lb weight gain in 2 years...but that's just depression and stress and not working out I tell myself. My cycle has been weird the past 2 years...it was ALWAYS every 28 days but since July 2012 it's varied anywhere between 25-38 days and I didn't really have an explanation for this other than-but it's not affecting me from ovulating or getting pregnant. Then my insulin level coming back high normal-and doctors being concerned about this for other women but not me was just strange.

The good news is-we can treat this issue very easily. Dr. Braverman wants me on Metformin to lower my insulin level before and during pregnancy. Easy peasy-just a pill every day. I can do that. He is checking my Anti-mullerian hormone again to see if I do have PCOS or just the metabolism of someone who would have PCOS. I should hear something soon on that.

#2-I have resistant blood flow to my uterus. Wow. I have NEVER had a color flow doppler ultrasound completed before Dr. Braverman did one. He said the blood flow in my ovaries is great...uterus, not so great. Since it is not so great, when I'm pregnant, the babies are not getting an adequate supply of blood from me. This will kill them. Without blood, they cannot survive. Why is my blood not flowing well to my uterus? We don't know. Dr. Braverman suspects endometriosis. He recommends that I have a laproscopy to confirm or deny this suspicion. He also found scaring in my pelvic muscle and he is not sure why that is there because I've never had abdominal surgeries and my D&C's should not have caused scaring into my muscles.

So how do we increase this blood flow? I've already been taking Asprin and that isn't helping. I will be on Lovenox since I have a risk of blood clotting with having Homocystinuria and that will thin my blood out. But this isn't enough. I've done both those medications during my previous two pregnancies too. There are other injections Dr. Braverman would put me on-he just isn't sure which one yet. I will be talking to my OBGYN about getting a laproscopy scheduled now. I brought it up to her back in May and she didn't think it was necessary and didn't think I had any signs of Endometriosis. But I'm going to push the issue now. Why not? We've already met our deductible and everything I do now within the Kettering Health Network is paid at 100% so now is the time to get it done. If I have it, and we clean it out, it could help my blood flow and improve my progesterone level so its a win-win. Yea, it's surgery and I will be off work a day or two-but I'm not messing around this time. If Dr. Braverman thinks its necessary-then I'm doing it.

#3-I have too many T-regulatory cells. Essentially, this means my body naturally feels like it has to constantly fight off infections and invaders. This is only heightened when I am pregnant. These cells believe babies are an outside invader that needs to be rid of. Basically, as I suspected-my body is attacking and killing our babies. With every pregnancy, the t-regulatory cells become more activated and increase in number. According to Dr. Braverman-this will cause earlier losses with each pregnancy. This makes complete sense. Especially within the past year 2 years. With Logan, I miscarried at between 9 & 11 weeks. With Audrey, I miscarried between 4 & 6 weeks. With our IVF embie, it never had a chance to implant.

If we don't treat this issue-there is a VERY high chance I will miscarry again. The treatment is not cheap and requires a couple different injections-some that have to be given by home care nurses. I will do whatever it takes to get my body to the point of accepting a baby as a blessing and allowing me to grow our baby to birth.

#4-I have genes that predispose me to several autoimmune diseases. The most likely disease that I could have is Celiac Disease. The treatment is simple. Or so it seems. I will be attempting a gluten free diet. Hopefully by decreasing or eliminating gluten, I will feel better overall and will not have as many joint pains or abdominal bloating. Hopefully it will also allow my body to stop attacking itself. Recently I started suspecting that maybe I had Celiac Disease-I don't really know why but it's been on my mind. We don't know that I HAVE it-we just know I have a gene that can cause it. And I know if I have a gene that can cause it-somehow I will get it. It never fails.

The biggest thing that really sucks is that I already can't eat much protein. I eat a lot of carbs and a lot of food that has gluten. Which, by the way, I think is what has caused the high insulin level and possible PCOS. The diet for PCOS is low carb, high protein. So I feel like I'm screwed all around. What can I eat? When my diet gets restricted like this I end up giving up and eating whatever I feel like honestly. I haven't been complying very well with my low protein diet or my medication for my Homocystinuria lately because I just get so sick of eating the same things and drinking nasty tasting food supplements. Ugh...I have GOT TO get back on track with all this. I have to do it for our rainbow baby. I will start kicking it in gear on Monday, after my friend's wedding. After all, I can't give up drinking beer before her wedding, right?!?

Whats next? I need to email Dr. Braverman with the contact info for my fertility doctor here in Ohio. They need to talk about my test results and my doctor here in Ohio needs to agree with the treatment plan Dr. Braverman puts together. My doctor in Ohio has to be the one who orders all the medication for me. I need to call my OBGYN and get a laproscopy scheduled. Dr. Braverman has ordered a DNA fragmentation test on my husbands semen which he's going to complete next week. Although our fertility clinic thinks 3% normal sperm morphology is okay, Dr. Braverman is not in agreement with that. He wants to make sure there isn't a lot of fragmentation in the sperm because fragmentation can lead to genetic problems and poor embryo development. My husband may be getting prescribed Clomid to increase his morphology depending on the results of this test. And he is actually willing to take it if he needs to. He finally understands he has a very important part in creating a child for us and we need to do everything we can to make sure we get healthy babies.

Alright-enough of my results. Want to know how our trip to New York went? Here's the down low-China Town is crazy with street vendors EVERYWHERE. It was a little scary the first time we walked down the street. We figured out quickly the other side of the street had way fewer street vendors so we walked on that side the rest of the time. Little Italy has a very cool feel. The streets are blocked off so you can walk in the middle of the streets and there is restaurant after restaurant. Not impressed with the food from De Gennerro though. However, the gelato-A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! I got the salt and carmel flavor and it was to die for:) The Statue of Liberty is pretty neat to see in person, but it looks the same as it does on television. Ellis Island had way too much history that it got boring after awhile. It is very interesting though how our ancestors came to America. The 9-11 memorial is pretty. We only saw the fountain at ground zero and didn't go into the memorial museum. Central Park is huge but you really don't need to rent bikes to see it all. We spent more time walking our bikes then riding them because you can't ride them on the walk-ways to see the monuments or features throughout the park. The Metropolitan Art Museum was a snoozer for me, except the African art section with all the Mayan costumes and totem poles. Times Square is crazy. The amount of people walking around on a Monday evening was unreal. It was packed like sardines. The stores are the same as the ones in the malls around here-H&M, American Eagle, Aeropostale. Except the prices were surprisingly cheap. Alcohol is overpriced everywhere you go throughout New York. A 6 pk of beer at the convenience store next to our hotel was $17. The food was okay-not great. The best thing we had was crab and spinach dip at Langen's Irish Pub in the Times Square area. We got dessert at Cake Boss Cafe which was the longest wait ever but totally worth the delicious carrot cake and strawberry shortcake we got. The subway system is confusing at first, but as long as you carry that subway map with you at all times and aren't afraid to ask people for help-you'll figure it out pretty quickly. The train station was byfar the most challenging. They have dozens of tracks your train could be on and don't post your track number until 5-10 minutes before departure so its a mad rush to get to the train before it leaves. There is construction on every street it seems throughout the city. My absolute favorite thing about New York was the street performers. Those people know how to hustle to get some money, but they are entertaining. OH, and The Stand in Gramercy Park was a cool place to spend and evening between their delicious Moscoto and funny comedians. Would I go back to New York? Honestly, probably not. It was a neat experience but we prefer the mountains or the beach.

Overall moral of today's post: 

When You Love a Child that Has Not been Created Yet

I read an article the other week on Still Standing Magazine about the grief of a mother who has lost their child years ago. The article talked about grieving mothers having good days and bad days, happy memories and unbearable gut wrenching memories, moments of hope and moments of intense fear-no matter how long along the mother's child died. It talked about the stereotype, that if the mother is having a good day others may believe she is over the loss of her child, or if she is having a bad day that she should be over it "by now." It talked about the emotional triggers that come from left field unexpectedly and uninvitingly. Everything this article spoke about, I not only agree with but have lived through myself.

When you lose a baby your world is never the same;it has a hole in it that can never be filled. But when you lose multiple babies, your world is shattered into a million pieces and you are left figuring out how the pieces are supposed to fit back together-yet they never will.

I look at what my husband and I have been through-the death of our stillborn daughter and burying out first child, a miscarriage at 7 weeks, a miscarriage at 11 weeks that resulted in a D&C, and a miscarriage at 5 weeks discovered at 8 weeks that resulted in 4 more weeks of my body trying to release the baby that ended in a second D&C. I consider the fact that I was diagnosed with a rare genetic disease that caused the lenses in my eyes to detach and resulted in 5 major eye surgeries in one year and forced me to change my diet since protein was silently killing my body. I recognize the measures we have taken to try to have a baby after we learned the culprit of our babies deaths was my very own DNA since two of my chromosomes are attached and have caused our babies to have an extra chromosome-an IVF with PGD cycle and now an egg donor IVF cycle. I live everyday with the reminder of amount of financial debt we are drowning in, living off credit cards and merely making it paycheck to paycheck still paying on procedures we had done last year. We have survived all of this, some days I don't know how, but most days I think rather well.

I have my moments though. Moments of gut wrenching memories. Moments of feeling hopeless. Moments of questioning every step we take. Moments of wanting to throw in the towel. Moments of intense fear that I can't shake. Last night I had a moment, and today I had another moment.

Last night I was watching The Foster's which has become one of my favorite television series of all time. I was sitting on the couch in my shorts and bra with my hair drenched in hair dye waiting on the dye to process so I could rinse it out. I knew based on the previews of last nights episode something was going to happen to Lena's baby, I just didn't know what. I knew it was going to be a hard episode for me to watch. I just didn't expect that I would be hyperventilating with huge crocodile tears streaming down my face. I didn't expect to feel the rawness of the pain that I felt 6 years ago when we were told Riley had died inside me and I would have to deliver her at only 24 weeks into my pregnancy. I didn't expect to feel such deep heartache when Lena's own mother walked into the hospital room and wrapped her arms around Lena or to remember what it felt like to have my mother, father, and sisters rush to the hospital after they learned that Riley had died and embrace me with their hugs once they got there. I didn't expect to feel like I was the one on the television show losing my baby. I didn't expect to be overwhelmed with fear that anything could happen that could kill my future baby too.

Maybe for the first time last night I realized I love a child that hasn't even been created yet and won't even be created by me.

Only couples who have been through fertility treatments would understand what that feels like. It's not like when other couples make the decision to start trying to conceive a baby-I've been there too...even after losing 2 babies I can't say that when we were trying for our third or even fourth baby that I loved them before they were ever created. I loved them from the moment that I knew they were there, and I will now love them for the rest of my life on Earth and in Heaven. But never before the positive pregnancy test did I have a love for my children. Maybe that's because I didn't have a timeline in my head of when they were going to be created or come into existence...when it happens, it happens. When we had our first IVF with pre-implantation genetic testing cycle...I can say that I definitely envisioned the cycle working for us and at times felt am immense hope that our forever rainbow baby was going to come as a result of our cycle. I saw myself delivering a healthy screaming baby and my sister in the delivery room with me just as I was with her when she delivered my niece. Once we had our egg retrieval it felt like those dreams started fading with every day that passed. I tried my hardest not to remain attached to our little embies because I didn't want to feel the sting when my face fell flat on the pavement from tripping over my dreams. But I still felt it when the one embie we transferred evaporated into my body and didn't continue to develop into our beautiful rainbow baby.

When we decided our next step along this crazy emotional journey was going to be an egg donor IVF cycle, I was very apprehensive. Could I really love a child that I didn't create? Could I bond with a child that I'm carrying even though I know that this child isn't biologically mine? Will I be resentful towards a child that came to exist because my own children died? How would I handle it if this child grew up and got angry at me and told me I wasn't his or her "real" mother? Is it going to be awkward raising a child that has an aunt as its biological mother? There are times when I thought I couldn't do it, that I couldn't create room in my heart for any child that I didn't create. I prayed on it though, and I began reading a blog by another Baby Quest Foundation grant recipient who has been in these shoes I'm wearing. She's had a failed IVF cycle using her own eggs, then they tried an egg donor IVF cycle using her sisters eggs. When that cycle also failed to work for them, they decided to adopt a frozen embryo that neither her or her husband created with their own genetics. Reading Maya's blog helped me to accept that we very well may be having a baby that was not created from my genetic material but grown inside my womb. It helped to realize that I could love a baby that is created from my husband's and sister's combined DNA. It helped me to be at peace with our decision to try an egg donor cycle.

Watching last night's episode of The Foster's brought my love to life for this baby that has not been created yet. I started fearing all the possible things that could go wrong once I'm carrying that baby. I'm not oblivious to the fact that babies die even when they have all 46 normal chromosomes. They die because organs fail to develop properly. They die because of blood clots. They die because of infections. They die because of cord accidents. They die from pre-term labor. They even die for no reason at all. There are hundreds or reasons babies die before they are ever born, and it scares the shit out of me to be completely honest. I LOVE this baby that will be created in November and I want to give birth to this baby in July. I want to rock this baby to sleep and sing this baby lullaby's. I want to change dirty diapers and wake up a million times a night to breast feed. I want take naps on the couch on Sundays as a family with my husband, our cat, and our baby. I want to take walks on summer afternoons while I'm on maternity leave. I want to have a home filled with baby items and I want to decorate a nursery. I want to take family pictures. I want my husband to be Santa Claus every Christmas until our child figures out the secret. I want my life to revolve around my family and less around my job. I want to teach my baby how to roll over, sit up, crawl, walk, and talk. I want our Saturday nights to consist of Disney Movies. I want this baby just as much as I wanted all the ones that were created before him or her.

After all the fear that came upon me last night, today almost took away the complete possibility of this child even being created...and I lost it. The nurse at the fertility clinic informed me the psychologist me, my husband, and my sister met with last week could not "recommend" my sister to be an egg donor. What?!? You mean to tell me a psychologist gets to decide the fate of our future? According to the nurse the psychologist thought my sister was "pleasant and appropriate." But that stupid 600 question test that my sister had to take before she got to talk to the psychologist apparently thought my sister was not being 100% honest with her answers since they asked the same questions a million different ways and she answered the questions differently each time. Ok...so what? This is my sister we are talking about...I think I know her better than some test that was confusing and annoying to her. Don't we have the right to waive the results? Apparently we don't, but the fertility doctor does. For 2.5 hours I sat at work fearing that the doctor might not waive the results...that our journey to have a child would be over or that we would have to figure out what our next step would be even though we aren't ready to look at any other options right now. I locked myself in the bathroom and let out some disgusting sounding crys and had to gasp for my breath a couple times. I felt myself getting angry again-"why God is this always happening...why are our plans always falling apart...why can't we have a child...why do we have to do through this pain?" Then the phone rang as I'm sitting on the toilet locked inside the stall texting my friend asking for prayers. It was the nurse. She called to say Dr. Hofmann waived the psychological test results and will allow us to keep my sister as a donor because he knows how daunting the test is and how tricky the test can be. The nurse said, "ultimately Dr. Hofmann wants you and your husband kissing baby cheeks." I lost it again. That's all I want too.

So hear we are. Still moving forward with this egg donor cycle-thank you Lord. My husband's semen analysis came back drastically improved from taking his vitamins. We wouldn't even need to do ICSI let alone IMSI if we didn't want to spend the extra $1500. But, we are going to spend the extra money because I want to do everything we can to make sure we get as many fertilized eggs as possible and to prevent freak of nature things from happening like two sperms fertilizing the same egg (yes, it's happened before). We leave for New York on Saturday and meeting with Dr. Braverman on Tuesday morning to go over our immunological testing results. I am praying these results are going to give us continued peace and that nothing too severe was discovered from the testing that could prevent me from ever carrying a baby to term.

Please pray for safe travels as we brave the NY traffic and pray for our continued peace along this journey to parenthood.

Creating Life is Amazing, Any Way You Do It

I got home from work last night at 12:30am. After four hours of sleep my alarm clock began ringing telling me it was time to wake up for a very long day of appointments and then working my eight hour shift in the hospital. My sister had to drop off her very grumpy 4-year old at daycare at 6:30am to join us for the morning spent in Cincinnati. We could have no coffee, or in my case-sugary beverages like a capachino or mocha-and we could have no food before any of our appointments. We had to be fasting for one of our blood tests. At almost 7:00pm, I don't know how I am going to make it another 5 hours before I get to lay my head down on my pillow!

Despite my pure exhaustion, we got a lot accomplished today and I am very happy we are a few steps closer to making some babies.

Our first appointment for the day was with the psychologist to knock our our psychological assessments. While Alex and I met with the psychologist to share where we have been and we are going on our journey, my poor sister had to take a nearly 600 question psychological evaluation. Why? Because apparently this is the federal government's way of ensuring a psychopath does not become an egg donor. I think about a fourth of the way through my sister wanted to shoot herself in the head to be honest! I knew this appointment was going to be annoying for her, so I wanted to show her our appreciation for taking the time out of her day she could have slept in or used to spend more time with her daughter. Before we went into the building I gave her a card with a heartfelt message and a gift certificate to local boutique store hoping she could treat herself to something cute on us. I got a voicemail a few hours ago from her thanking me for it...so I think it helped her to know we aren't taking advantage of her kindness and appreciate more than we can really express.

We knew we would be discussing with the psychologist our plans for raising our children that were created from my sisters eggs. As a social worker there are certain things that I am absolutely positive about from experience working with children in the foster care system and children who have been adopted at birth. I believe EVERY child wants to know where they came from-good, bad, or ugly. I believe in being honest about where children come from because they will find out on their own if their parents do not tell them and that could create a boat load of anger towards the parents they were not prepared to deal with. So long story short...Alex and I agree 100% that if we conceive and give birth to a baby that is created with my sisters eggs, our child(ren) will be told about their very special creation. They will be told that their Aunt Ashley loved us so much that she wanted to help us have a family. They will be told that I am their birth mother, and she is their biological mother, or mother by DNA. They will be told about their siblings in Heaven who were created before them. They will be told that their cousin Raegan is their most special cousin of all, because they are half-siblings. Do we know exactly how or when all of this information will come out? Not at all. Most likely in bits and pieces and whatever is appropriate for their developmental age. The really cool thing is that we found out today there are children's books that we could purchase to explain to our children the very special way they were created with so much love through egg donation. Aunt Ashley will be the coolest Aunt of all...I'm sure of that:)

Following our appointment with the psychologist, we took a hop-skip-and a jump over to the fertility clinic to meet with Dr. Hofmann and his staff. First up on the agenda-Alex's semen analysis. We won't know the results until Friday most likely. Hopefully those vitamins he's been taking has helped. Second item to tackle-signing consent forms that indicate our wishes for our embryos in several different scenarios. The scenarios included: death of one partner, death of both partners, divorce, termination of IVF treatment, and failure to pay embryo storage fees. Our options for each of these included donating the embryos to a specific person, donating the embryos to the clinic for anonymous embryo adoption, and destroying the embryos. These questions really showed us how much we truly value to creation of life, even before a heartbeat ever develops. In none of the scenarios did we choose to destroy the embryos. Why would we waste such a gift? Why would we not offer these tiny miracles to someone else who would love them just as much as we would love them? If we are fortunate enough to have an excessive amount of embryos that we do not need because either our family is complete or because we are both dead, I pray to God that we can provide another couple with the gift of life through our donated embies.

Once our consents were completed, we had our blood drawn (for the 164 thousandth time for me) and gave our urine sample to finish up our medical screening that is required before we start our IVF cycle. Then Alex left and he and Ashley headed back to Minster so he could go to work and she could pick up her daughter from daycare. I stayed and met with the embryologist and financial coordinator to finish up the morning appointments we had scheduled. The embryologist was absolutely AMAZING!! He spent a lot of time showing me videos of how he selects the good sperm from the semen sample and injecting them into the eggs. Then he showed me the latest and greatest technology called IMSI (Intra-cytoplasmic morphologically selected injection). Technology is absolutely amazing...seriously, a computer program that magnifies sperm by 800 and tells the embryologist which sperm are the very best to select based on the size of their heads, shape of their necks, and amount of tails? It was pretty fascinating to see this. This procedure reduces the miscarriage rate by improving the quality of sperm that are selected to fertilize the eggs. I don't know if we are going to have to do this procedure or not-but its good to know that if we need it, it's available at the clinic we have chosen to go to. He also showed me videos of how his lab does the pre-implantation genetic screening biopsies on blastocyst stage embryos and videos of embryos developing by cell division. I am stoked that this clinic and lab takes pictures of their patients embryos before they transfer them-one more thing we can use to show our babies how they were created!

The creation of life is absolutely an amazing process. It is a beautiful symbol of love. No matter how you create your family, remember-any way you do it is beautifully amazing!

A Protocol that Works

My test cycle has officially come to an end...and I am so happy to say, IT WORKED! For the past two months my doctors have had me on the exact same medication that I will be on when we do our actually Egg Donor IVF cycle.

June 1st-June 19th: Birth control pills

June 11th-July 6th: Lupron injections

June 23rd-July 9th: Estrace pills (estrogen) with increasing dose every 4-5 days

Today I had my ultrasound to see how my uterus responded to this medication protocol. The goal was to get my uterine lining about 7 cm because in order for a baby to implant this is what the lining needs to be. Today my uterine lining measured 10 cm which is amazingly awesome! In my doctor's and nurse's words today, my uterus is "beautiful, retroverted or not." Of course with it being retroverted (tilted back like it always is), the resident didn't know where to find it but once it was found, it was all good:)

When we do our actual Egg Donor IVF cycle, I will have an ultrasound to check my lining just like I did today. The ultrasound will be on the day of my sister's egg retrieval, and if I respond the same way to the medication then as I did this time, the changes of an embryo implanting when we transfer on day 3 or 5 will be very high! This is very uplifting to hear.

The only concerns that I have about our Egg Donor IVF cycle not working is my Progesterone level and any other medical condition that may cause a miscarriage or stillbirth, like my Homocystinuria. But I am more than confident in the clinic that I am going to that we are going to get these issues figured out and will have a good treatment plan together before we start the IVF cycle. They listen to my concerns, which shows me right there they care and they are going to do everything they can to make this work. We find out the result of the testing that we had done with Dr. Braverman in New York at the end of this month and Dr. Hofmann at Bethesda Fertility Center where we are going for our treatment is more than willing to work with Dr. Braverman if there are any significant findings that we should treat to increase the potential for a successful pregnancy and happy, healthy baby. The nurse today told me they would be happy to check my progesterone level a few days after the embryo transfer to see if we need to increase my dose or supplement with another form of progesterone, which is very relieving so we aren't waiting until pregnancy test day to find out my progesterone is too low to maintain a baby. I am super pleased with my medical team and very confident that this is the right place for us!

Adding to why I love Bethesda Fertility Clinic so much, while I was sitting in the lobby waiting to be called back for my ultrasound, they had either K-Love or Air-1 radio on with christian rock music, my favorite music of all. It was very calming for me, and has always been my go-to music whenever I need to feel a calm or peace, or need to feel a sign that things are going to be okay. Dr. Hofmann walked out to the lobby to grab something for another patient and cheerfully greeted me and said as he was walking back into the office area, "I think I just saw angels, but I could be wrong." It was just me sitting in the lobby at that time...so either he was be super complimentary of me or my angel babies were there with me today! Either way, it was a peaceful beginning to my appointment today:)

So now I finish up my Estrace prescription, stop the injections, start the Provera, and in a few days will start my new menstrual cycle. I will be hormone free until October, which will be nice. Tomorrow I meet with an attorney to discuss the contract we need to have typed up and signed by me, my husband, and my sister so we should have all the legal stuff out of the way by the end of this month. And next week we go to Cincinnati to complete our psychological testing, my husband's sperm analysis, and will sign all the consents to get this party started! My sister's medical clearance testing should be the end of August, and after that...we are good to go! October will be here before we know it:)

Just what I needed

"God gives his hardest battles to his strongest Warriors."

"God has a plan, trust in the Lord."

"God has a reason for everything."

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard these phrases I could quite possibly be a millionaire. And let me tell you, when someone loses a baby or a child-they don't want to hear these things. They are in a state of anger towards God. They don't understand how a God who is so great and powerful and miraculous could cause so much pain by taking away the one person is who made from their very own flesh and blood.

I honestly don't think that I have had so much anger towards anyone in my entire 27 years of life than I have had towards God. Take my first child, that was enough to feel like someone stabbed me in the heart. Take my second child, that was enough to feel like the knife was turned 10 times inside my heart. Take my third child, that was enough to feel like my heart was ripped right out of my chest and stomped on a million times. Take my fourth child, that was enough to make me feel like someone had pushed me from a high rise building and splattered my guts all over the concrete. And after all of that, I'm still supposed to trust God's plan for my life? The Enemy tells me I shouldn't...that all those great things about God are a lie. He's even told me God isn't real.

I don't know how I've done it. Sometimes I'm amazed at myself. The resilience that this life has taken to merely survive is exhausting. And to think, I'm more than surviving. I put my feet on the group every day and I know there will be at least one person every day that I will either have a positive impact on or I will help by showing compassion and concern for their situation.

As much as I've been angry at God-I know that he has been carrying me through this stormy life. I know that he has a purpose for all of this heartache. I know that he has been leading me my whole life, and has put me on this Earth for a distinct purpose. I know that God lives inside me, that he gives me the strength every day to do what I do.

I wrote last week about the church services I went to hoping to get a prophecy and being disappointed I did not get one. I was hoping to get a prophecy to not only let me know that God knows about the storms I've been through and to figure out if this next step we are taking is part of his plan or just part of OUR plan, but I wanted to know if I've been following his lead on the purpose of all of this mess. I wanted to know if he knows about the support group that I lead and if the support group was part of his plan. I wanted to know if he knows about how open I am with sharing our story and if that is a part of his plan. I wanted to know if he knows about the Baby Quest Foundation fundraiser that I am organizing to help other couples where I live with financial assistance for their infertility treatments and wondered if this was a part of his plan too. I wanted to know if he created me to be a social worker. I wanted to know if he made me exactly the way I am, because I couldn't imagine being anyone else. I couldn't imagine my life without the desire to help other people or without being an inspiration to other people. I wanted to know that he knows who I am and I wanted to hear that, yes, he was the one leading me to do all these things.

I decided throughout last week that I wanted to go to the Sunday service because I needed to get myself back in church. Maybe it would help? What could it hurt? So, I went to church on Sunday and I am so glad that I did! It was just what I needed. The service was about listening to God and understanding his purpose for our life. I felt like it was the answer to all those questions I had the weekend before. I don't need a prophet to tell me my purpose in life....I've been listening to God every step of the way since I was a little girl. When I've felt called to do something-I've always done it. I don't make excuses about why I can't do things or don't want to do things. It is God that gives me the resources I've needed to complete the tasks he has called me for.

This song was played at the end of the service and I was in tears the whole song. It was perfect for my journey.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6d4Nenj13sA&list=PL6F11032E22935F4E

Following the service my friend asked if she could have her pastor and his wife pray over me. Absolutely. I've never had anyone pray over me like that. Never. Even when I've gone to church in the past, I've always been too scared to ask a pastor to pray over me. I can guarantee that was the Enemy telling me it wouldn't help or making me feel uncomfortable with people praying over me. I was able to share with the pastor and his wife my deepest fear-that my body won't be able to carry even a healthy baby and that we will lose another baby. They prayed over me for a healthy pregnancy and healing within my body. It was helpful for me for many reasons, but most importantly it was a giant leap in building a stronger relationship with God.

I am going to continue to go to church and hope that eventually my husband will be willing to come with me. He has verbalized his anger towards God many times, especially within the past year. I know he needs this as much as I do. For right now, I will continue to remember that God is working on me and he's not done yet. I will remember that whatever the ending to our story, it's going to be beautiful and full of light!

There Will Be A Day

Do you ever wonder if God remembers who you are? Do you ever wonder if he hears your prayers? Do you ever wonder if he sees you crying out for shelter during your storm? I wonder these things all the time.

I was invited to church by two of my college friends this past weekend. Their church was having a world famous prophet come to deliver prophecies to their congregation and my friends immediately thought I needed to be there. They told me the prophet has a reputation of healing women with infertility issues. I thought, what do I have to lose, so I decided to go.

I walked into the church on Saturday and sat down as I waited for my two friends to arrive. While I was sitting there staring at the cross in front of me I began crying. I felt such a heavy burden on my chest that I try so hard to mask in my every day life by being a support for other people. I forgot what it felt like to go to church. I hadn't been to church, other than our wedding or baptisms and Christmas, for years. I listen to my christian radio stations in my car to and from work and that's about the extent of my relationship with God lately. I've been so angry at him that we didn't even get out of bed to go to church on Easter this year. Then there are other times I'm so numb that I forget how angry I still am.

As I was sitting there in that church, I experienced so many emotions. Disappointment, in myself for putting up a wall between me and God thinking it would protect me from thinking he would ever answer my prayers. Fear, about what the prophet might tell me about my past and my future. Worry, that I might not get a prophecy at all. Hopefulness, that the prophet will tell me exactly what God's Divine plan is so we can stop chasing paths that lead us to more storms. Deep heartache, a longing for my babies that I know will never go away.

When my friends joined me in my row and the row behind me, and when the worship music began, I found myself feeling at home. It felt like maybe this has been the missing piece in my life. I remembered how good I felt when I was going to church a couple years ago, except I felt more at ease because these were two of my closest friends in college that had invited me to this church-a church they have been going to for years. My friend's daughter remembered me from the pregnancy and infancy loss remembrance ceremony that I organized and they came to back in October to remember my friend's two babies she had miscarried. Her daughter was excited to see a visitor in their church and sat next to me most of the service.

Throughout the service with the prophet I kept praying he was going to be drawn to me. I kept praying he was going to give me hope in a brighter future and peace over the stormy past. I kept begging God in my mind, "give me a sign, please, just give me a sign that this is all going to be okay, that my babies are okay and that me and Alex are going to be okay." Many people got prophecies from the man that night, including someone that I knew had two miscarriages and is struggling to have her second child. He was spot on with her, it was quite amazing. I thought for sure after she had her prophecy given to her that I would get one to. But I never did. I was left feeling like God doesn't even know I exist.

After the service was over I was invited to dinner with my friends and some of their church friends. I tucked away my disappointment so I could enjoy the fellowship. It amazes me how children are always so drawn to me, yet I haven't received the one and only blessing I've been praying for the past couple years. My friend's daughter wanted me to sit right next to her during dinner. We played tic-tac-toe and colored a clown together. She talked my ear off and was just so dang cute. She's 4 years old...the same age that Braylen would be had he been born alive. The other kids at the table were very curious about me and asked all kinds of questions that were cute and innocent.

While I was disappointed in not getting a prophetic reading on Saturday night, I went to the service on Sunday morning hopeful that he would be drawn to me this time. There were no prophecies given on Sunday, just a 2 hour service about healing the heart and spirit. I related a lot to what the man was talking about, yet I felt it difficult to pray to God for healing when he asked the congregation to do so. I always have trouble praying, like that wall is blocking my prayers from getting to God. The most healing part about church on Sunday for me was one of my friend's taking me up to get communion for the first time in my life and praying over me as we took it.

Looking back over the weekend, I was surrounded by babies and children, and I loved every minute of it. On Saturday afternoon I stopped at a high school classmates house to pick up something and I held her 6 week old baby (about the age Audrey should be if she were born) for 40 minutes and enjoyed every second. On Sunday morning in church my other friend had her two children with her and I held and danced with her 9 month old baby (about the age Logan would be if he were born) during the worship service and felt so much peace during that time. On Sunday evening I went to my best friend's sister's house to pick up my bridesmaid dress and spent an hour playing with her twin boys. Being around children brings me the most joy to my heart.

I know that there will be a day when all this pain will be no more. I know there will be a day when I will be blessed with my own children (biological or adopted). I know there will be a day when I will embrace my babies in Heaven and will never have to let them go again. I don't know when any of these days are going to come, but there WILL be a day when they do. And when these days come, I won't remember the tears I've shed waiting for them. This song is a perfect reminder of how life can beat you down but there is a glorious reward waiting at the end.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAJTdfULsr4

For now, as I wait for the storm to pass over and the rainbow to appear, I will continue to adjust my sails to keep me balanced on this ocean that I am traveling on.

A Father's Grief

Several months ago someone in one of my online pregnancy loss support groups posted this poem:

A Father’s Grief
By Eileen Knight Hagemeister

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief.
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test.
And field calls and visitors
So that she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's alright
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, how are you?"

He hears her cry in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
And dries her tears and comforts her
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

I cried the first time I read it and I have cried every subsequent time I've read it. I cry for my husband. I cry for the father of my heavenly children. I cry because it is true, a father's grief is rarely recognized because men rarely are willing to talk about their grief. As a woman in grief, we often feel like our husband's don't share our grief because they can continue to move forward in life with more ease then we can. The truth is, they are just better at hiding their emotions then women.

I remember back to the day I gave birth to Riley. I remember how young we both were and how Alex never once left my side during my pregnancy. He was the one who had to make all the phone calls to our parents to tell them Riley had died and I would be getting induced within the next 24 hours. He was incredibly strong when I needed him to plan her funeral. He questioned God just as much as I did when we lost her.

When I miscarried Braylen and was sitting in the ER crying my eyes out he was right next to me holding my hand the whole time. I remember him telling me he hated seeing me going through this again.

When we found out at our 11 week ultrasound that Logan's heart had stopped beating, he immediately grabbed my hand and sobbed with me. He couldn't believe we were going through this again. When my mom called me after I send her a text that I needed her to call, he took the phone from me when I couldn't speak a word and he delivered the news that we had lost our 3rd baby. He was the one who called the rest of our family for us. He cried with me before and after the D&C. He woke up so many times in the middle of the night to me crying out for our babies. He would hold me and dry my tears when I needed him to.

As scared as my husband was to try again on our own, he did because he knew I needed to know for certain that the reason we have kept losing babies is because of the translocated chromosome that we discovered I have after losing Logan. When we got pregnant again, he shared in my excitement with me and bought me flowers to show me how much he loves me. He took a picture with me each week like I wanted him to and he would read my scrapbook journal when I shared it with him. When we found out we had lost the baby again, my husband sat with me in my car and just held me while we cried together. He wouldn't let me drive home and made me leave my car at the hospital and had me call into work because he knew I couldn't deal with working a 12 hour shift with psychiatric patients while I myself felt like I didn't want to continue living this life. I remember when we got home he immediately went upstairs and worked on our demolition in the bedrooms and after a hour I went upstairs to join him. Taking a sledge hammer to the walls felt so good and I finally understood how men grieve and why they grieve the way they do.

After losing Audrey, Alex was okay with whatever option I wanted to do-adoption or IVF with pre-implantation genetic screening. At first I thought adoption, but when I allowed my emotions to settle I knew my biggest dream in life was to give birth to our child, and especially after all that Alex had gone through with me....all I wanted to do was give him a child. When our IVF with PGS failed, we were once again devastated and felt hopeless. But when my sister offered to donate her eggs to us, we both felt a sense of renewed hope.

This year on father's day I decided to show my husband what an amazing father and husband he has been. I made him a picture frame with pictures from our pregnancies and got him a card that I wrote him a heartfelt message in. At first, he was upset that I got him anything and felt like the picture frame reminded him of what we don't have. He later apologized to me after he read the card I got him while he was alone in the bedroom because he realized I was trying to do something nice. His initial reaction showed me how much all of this really does affect him. It affects him so much more than anyone else could know.

Father's Day has always been rough on my husband. 15 years ago he lost his father when he was 15 years old....so for 15 years he has not been able to enjoy this day at all. Then 6 years ago we lost Riley and within the past year we went through 2 miscarriages. It's a double wamy to the heart for him. Not only does he not have his father, he does not have his children either.

We decided to go to dinner last night instead of cooking and our waitress asked my husband "are you a dad?" He quickly said "no" and she said "well then it's no happy father's day for you." I asked my husband how often people ask him if he has kids (because I get asked all the time) and he said every time he meets someone knew, especially at work (he's a banker). I asked him if he ever gets tired of that question and he responded "It's life....I just get tired of saying no." Wow...if that statement didn't speak volumes about the desire that my husband has to be a parent, I don't know what does.

So this Father's Day, my heart goes out to all the men in this world whose family is incomplete because they have lost a child or because they have not been able to conceive children. My heart also goes out to everyone who has lost a father and was unable to spend the day with their father or by calling their father to wish them a Happy Father's Day. I am so proud of the man I am married to and even more proud to know that he showed our babies nothing but love while they were with us.